The Night Before Kiffin

T’was the night before Kiffin, down in old Baton Rouge,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a coonass refuge.
The fans were all tucked with their jerseys in sight,
Dreaming of touchdowns that might come with first light.

The portals were buzzing, the rumors ran wild,
With boosters refreshing like an anxious child.
And Mama in her gumbo-stained LSU tee,
Said, “If Kiffin is coming, he better bring Heupel’s OC!”

When out on the Bayou there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the porch to see what was the matter.
Away to the levee I flew like a flash,
Nearly tripped on my neighbor’s discarded sash.

The moon on the water of the old Mississippi,
Gave a glow to the night, something fierce, something trippy.
When what to my wandering eyes did appear,
But a tricked-out bass boat with eight Tigers and gear.

With a swaggering coach, sunglasses at night,
I knew it was Kiffin, oh Lord! What a sight.
More rapid than gators his coaching staff came,
And he whistled and hollered and called them by name:

“Now Golding! Now Weis! Now analysts plenty!
On Reynolds! On strength guys! We got NIL money!
To the top of the West! To the CFP ball!
Now win away! win away! win away all!”

As leaves before hurricanes fly to the sky,
So the Tigers lifted hope impossibly high.
And into the stadium the new coach he flew,
With a suitcase of plays, and a purple windbreaker too.

Then I heard in the distance the roar of the crowd,
As chants of “L-S-U!” grew mighty and loud.
And just as I thought, “This all must be a joke,”
He winked at the fans, yep, Lane Kiffin spoke.

He said, “I’ve coached rebels, trojans, and owls in my day,
But the Tigers? Now that’s where I plan to stay.
The gumbo’s too good and the crawfish too fine,
And Oxford kept calling but I hit decline.”

He planted a flag on the fifty-yard line,
Signed autographs quickly with swagger so fine.
Then laying a hand on his shiny new hat,
He said, “Nick Saban who? I ain’t worried about that.”

He sprang to his bass boat, to his crew gave a nod,
And away they all sped like a Tiger through sod.
But I heard him exclaim as he cruised out of sight—

“Merry Kiffin to LSU…
And to Bama, good night!”