I asked Chat GPT who we should hire.

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LSU’s Next Football Coach: Time for a Reset LSU’s 2025 season has been a disaster—sitting at 5-3 after a humiliating 41-17 loss to Texas A&M on October 26, with no realistic path to the College Football Playoff and mounting fan outrage. Brian Kelly’s tenure, now in Year 4, has produced just one SEC win against a ranked opponent (Ole Miss in 2022) and a roster that’s underachieving despite elite talent like quarterback Garrett Nussmeier and a top-10 recruiting class. The $53 million buyout is a gut punch, but the long-term revenue hit from empty seats, NIL erosion, and portal exodus would be worse. Athletic director Scott Woodward, already criticized for his football hiring track record (see: his role in Texas A&M’s Jimbo Fisher debacle), needs to act decisively. Firing Kelly midseason isn’t off the table—LSU called a team meeting post-loss, per ESPN sources—but if not now, it happens after the Ole Miss and Oklahoma games. LSU demands a coach who can dominate SEC recruiting (Louisiana is a talent goldmine), scheme up explosive offenses, and restore swagger to Death Valley. No more rigid, out-of-touch schemes that neuter playmakers. Based on recent analyses from Sporting News, Yahoo Sports, CBS Sports, and fan/expert buzz on X, here’s a ranked list of realistic top candidates. I prioritized proven winners with SEC ties, youth (to avoid Kelly 2.0), and cultural fit for Baton Rouge’s high-energy vibe. Rank Candidate Current Role Why LSU? Potential Hurdles Odds of Landing (My Take) 1 Lane Kiffin Ole Miss HC Master recruiter (top-5 classes annually), offensive wizard who maximizes QBs like Jaxson Dart, and SEC experience without the baggage. He’s flirty with big jobs—LSU would be his dream “homecoming” after stints at USC and Tennessee. X buzz calls him “born to coach at LSU.” Ole Miss is 8-1 and playoff-bound; buyout ~$20M. Florida’s vacancy might tempt him more. High (70%)—Offer $12M/year + NIL war chest; he’d bolt for the Baton Rouge spotlight. 2 Eli Drinkwitz Missouri HC 2023 SEC Coach of the Year; turned Mizzou into a 10-win machine with creative play-calling and portal savvy. Strong Louisiana recruiting ties (e.g., flipped 5-stars from LSU’s backyard). Keeps DC Blake Baker (LSU’s defensive star) for continuity. Comfortable at Mizzou (10-2 projected); $5M buyout. Less “splashy” than Kiffin. Medium-High (60%)—LSU’s resources dwarf Columbia, MO; he’d thrive in the SEC spotlight. 3 Jon Sumrall Tulane HC Louisiana native who’s 23-4 at Tulane, including a Cotton Bowl upset over Houston. Elite culture-builder (low turnover, high energy) with Group of 5 success that screams “rising star.” Fans on X rave about his local roots and Baker-like upside. Jump to Power 4 is a leap; no SEC coordinator experience. Tulane buyout ~$5M. Medium (50%)—Perfect “hometown hero” narrative; LSU poaches him before Alabama does. 4 Joe Brady Buffalo Bills OC “Juice” led LSU’s 2019 national title offense; young (35), charismatic, and NFL-polished. X users call him a “pipe dream” for his player rapport and scheme innovation. Prefers NFL (Bills are contenders); unproven as HC. Would demand full control. Medium (40%)—Nostalgia factor huge; LSU could lure him back as a “proving ground” before another NFL gig. 5 Matt Campbell Iowa State HC Steady 7-5/8-4 builder who’s maximized limited resources (multiple top-25 finishes). Assembles elite staffs and develops QBs—ideal for Nussmeier’s successor. Big 12 comfort; not a Louisiana recruiter. $10M buyout. Low-Medium (30%)—Safe hire, but LSU wants flash; he’d stabilize but not excite. Quick Hits on Other Names • Long Shots Worth Calling: Nick Saban (retired legend, but at 74? Nah—X memes aside). Jimbo Fisher (available post-A&M, but radioactive after $77M buyout fiasco). Curt Cignetti (James Madison’s 27-1 miracle worker—Joel Klatt’s top pick, but Group of 5 to SEC is rare). • Dark Horses: Promote DC Blake Baker (X hype as “next big thing”) or LB coach Kelvin Sheppard (NFL ties, LSU alum energy). Avoid retreads like James Franklin (Penn State rumors swirling) or Billy Napier (just fired at Florida—too green for LSU’s pressure cooker). • What LSU Must Do: Front-load the hire with $10M+ salary, full NIL autonomy, and staff control. Target announcement by December 1 to stem portal bleeding. Woodward’s job is on the line—nail this, or he’s next. LSU isn’t Alabama or Georgia, but it’s a sleeping giant. Hire wrong again, and the dynasty dies. Geaux get Kiffin, Tigers—Baton Rouge deserves fireworks, not fizzle. What’s your top pick?

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Grok is better

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I asked Reddit and it just said “ frick Trump “ and invited me to a lesbian dance therapy drum circle in Madison, Wisconsin.

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• Cons: Massive buyout; Oregon is a strong job with Big Ten resources. Would LSU overpay?

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