Hardest day of my life

She went to bed last night and didn't wake up this morning.

I called her my wife on here to simplify things but we weren't married. We were closer than most married couples though. We were together 15 years. We lived in different towns but saw each other on weekends and talked on the phone for hours a day. It didn't make sense for either of us to move, but of course I'm regretting it now.

Girlfriend? She was much more than that. She was the one person who I knew cared bout me and had my back no matter what. She was a true friend in every respect, the only one I've ever known. The only one I needed

We couldn't have been more different. We had a lot of disagreements, sometimes heated ones. But she never wavered in her belief that our relationship was worthwhile, even if I sometimes wondered.

It wasn't easy. She had chronic major depression that was resistant to treatment. And I'm not easy to get along with myself. She never quit, even when not quitting meant mustering enough energy to get out of bed and brush her teeth.

She was a Fulbright Scholarship finalist and went to grad school at Columbia. When the depression let her, she was an amazing artist, musician and writer.

She had a hard life in a lot of respects and many people mistreated her who should have known better. But she was always forgiving. She never held grudges.

She was in a bad car wreck a few months ago and had reconstructive surgery on her ankle. She went through an arduous rehab and two weeks ago they cleared her to put full weight on her ankle.

Over the last few days she had a mild cough and complained of fatigue and weakness, which she attributed to .a respiratory infection or working hard in PT. Last night she mentioned a tightness in her chest, which she though was from coughing. Completely normal conversation otherwise. No premonition, no foreshadowing. Just, "I'll talk to you tomorrow." But tomorrow never came.

I miss her so much already. I'm still in the this can't really be happening phase. I didn't know what the future held for us, but I expected we would grow old together in some capacity, whether we ever made it official or not. She used to say, "you keep me going." Well she kept me going too and I don't know how I'm going to make it.