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Started By
Message
Parents making uninvited trip to visit , i’m swamped at work this month
Posted on 9/5/24 at 12:07 am
Posted on 9/5/24 at 12:07 am
Somebody tell me how much of an a-hole I am for resenting them for this.
Long story/ short : I moved pretty far from home earlier this year. Across country basically. I’ve always been the black sheep of the family. I just genuinely enjoy being on my own and Independent. I’m starting to establish a Rhythm at the new job. But still am completed swamped at work.
When discussing a visit, I asked them to please hold off until late fall. They book the trip anyway ‘ bc tickets were cheaper’ and are coming this weekend. This trip has been giving me anxiety Because every fiber of my being is devoted to being successful at my new position. I can’t help but feel resentful that instead of being able to get some overtime, or just get drunk and watch football this weekend: I’m stuck playing tour guide. They are retired and I know they miss me. I’m irritated they book the trip anyway.
I’m know I’m lucky to have both parents still alive. I don’t want to be an a-hole this weekend when they visit so..
Can someone tell me how much of an a-hole I am for feeling this way?
I need some help putting this into perspective.
I don’t enjoy watching sports with my folks for a few reasons. I worked on Labor Day, and I would rather just have a low key weekend before going back to another hell of a week next week.
UPDATE: thanks for the responses guys, I genuinely appreciate some of you sharing your perspective. It helped understand how much this probably means to them. Family made it to town. I took them on a nice walk after work and it was a good time.
I think a large part of my anxiety comes from my struggles at work. We are understaffed and i feel obligated to help pick up the slack and I just can’t seem to get ahead. but that shouldn’t come at the expense of missing a nice weekend with my family.
I work in residential construction and we have way too many projects going on at one time to keep everyone happy. Everytime I pick up phone / or glance at email : it’s a developer or client “checking in” about there projects. Life is just a grind right now , and go to bed, dream, and wake up stressing about Clients and deadlines.
Long story/ short : I moved pretty far from home earlier this year. Across country basically. I’ve always been the black sheep of the family. I just genuinely enjoy being on my own and Independent. I’m starting to establish a Rhythm at the new job. But still am completed swamped at work.
When discussing a visit, I asked them to please hold off until late fall. They book the trip anyway ‘ bc tickets were cheaper’ and are coming this weekend. This trip has been giving me anxiety Because every fiber of my being is devoted to being successful at my new position. I can’t help but feel resentful that instead of being able to get some overtime, or just get drunk and watch football this weekend: I’m stuck playing tour guide. They are retired and I know they miss me. I’m irritated they book the trip anyway.
I’m know I’m lucky to have both parents still alive. I don’t want to be an a-hole this weekend when they visit so..
Can someone tell me how much of an a-hole I am for feeling this way?
I need some help putting this into perspective.
I don’t enjoy watching sports with my folks for a few reasons. I worked on Labor Day, and I would rather just have a low key weekend before going back to another hell of a week next week.
UPDATE: thanks for the responses guys, I genuinely appreciate some of you sharing your perspective. It helped understand how much this probably means to them. Family made it to town. I took them on a nice walk after work and it was a good time.
I think a large part of my anxiety comes from my struggles at work. We are understaffed and i feel obligated to help pick up the slack and I just can’t seem to get ahead. but that shouldn’t come at the expense of missing a nice weekend with my family.
I work in residential construction and we have way too many projects going on at one time to keep everyone happy. Everytime I pick up phone / or glance at email : it’s a developer or client “checking in” about there projects. Life is just a grind right now , and go to bed, dream, and wake up stressing about Clients and deadlines.
This post was edited on 9/5/24 at 11:29 pm
122
Posted on 9/5/24 at 12:09 am to Bison
quote:
When discussing a visit, I asked them to please hold off until late fall. They book the trip anyway ‘ bc tickets were cheaper’ and are coming this weekend.
That’s a dick move on their part.
Posted on 9/5/24 at 12:10 am to Bison
Yeah you’re kind of being an a-hole. Whatever you had planned isn’t really that important and you can just do it the next weekend.
Posted on 9/5/24 at 12:11 am to Bison
quote:
Can someone tell me how much of an a-hole I am for feeling this way?
I need some help putting this into perspective.
What you're feeling is normal, but you need to understand they won't be around forever. One day you'll miss these visits.
Posted on 9/5/24 at 12:14 am to Bison
The visit is just for the weekend? Make the best of it and be a good host. Next time put your foot firmly down and say NO clearly if you indeed don't want visitor's. It's part of being a grown up.
Posted on 9/5/24 at 12:18 am to Bison
If this is the first time it has happened, cut your old folks some slack. After all, they are the reason you are here and obviously did a good job raising you. Tell them you love them and that they are always welcome to visit, but to reiterate your preferences and reasons why. Offer to go visit them as well at certain times. Be thankful that they love you and want to spend time with you. Not everybody is that blessed.
This post was edited on 9/5/24 at 12:19 am
Posted on 9/5/24 at 12:19 am to Bison
It’s a weekend visit and they’re your parents who don’t see you often. You sound young so I know it doesn’t seem like it, but one day you’re going to miss them. If you aren’t welcoming to them when they visit, you’ll regret it one day. Yes they should’ve respected your wishes to not visit yet…but they’re your parents and they miss you.
When you’re a parent, and when you’ve lost your parents, you’ll understand.
When you’re a parent, and when you’ve lost your parents, you’ll understand.
Posted on 9/5/24 at 12:24 am to TCO
quote:
When discussing a visit, I asked them to please hold off until late fall. They book the trip anyway ‘ bc tickets were cheaper’ and are coming this weekend.
That’s a dick move on their part.
Yep, /end thread
If anyone is being A-holes here, it’s them not you.. You were trying to be an adult, keep your priorities straight and set boundaries.. They on the other hand decided to be selfish and say ‘F your priorities, we are gonna do what’s best and cheapest for US’.. I dont care if they are your parents, or who they are- that’s messed up .
Posted on 9/5/24 at 12:27 am to Bison
You’re an a-hole.
Not really I’m just jealous because my parents visited me a total of 3 or 4 times in the last 24 years
Not really I’m just jealous because my parents visited me a total of 3 or 4 times in the last 24 years
Posted on 9/5/24 at 12:34 am to Bison
Maybe your mom has cancer and wants to tell you face to face.
Posted on 9/5/24 at 12:40 am to Bison
Duuude, welcome to the club. My mom has been trying to crash on my couch with almost no notice for 20 years. I drove her arse to a Super 8 in my 20s.
She showed up this weekend (I'm late 40s) and her other two Houston meet ups canceled last minute, and I got stuck with stupid questions like, "Should I come to meet you for the LSU game?" No, woman, I don't have pants on 30 seconds after I walk into my apartment.
When I told her I applied to rent a house, she exclaimed, "this means I can stay with you when I come to visit," LOL. The security guard at La Centerra probably would have separated us if he heard. No, mom, we established 20 years ago you have fricked up boundaries, and those bedrooms are for my kids. If you can't afford $119 a night once a year, don't travel. Then she managed to start a fight about stuff that happened 15 years ago, etc.
Draw your boundaries sir. You will sleep much better if you do.
You shouldn't have to feel like you do, but you could always book them (or send them, so you don't have to pay) Viator tours to give them something to do. The tendency of that kind of parents is crushing (Hey, let me show you everything that's not a strip club near *insert Army base here* is kind of exhausting.)
Plan a lunch every day (not dinner, that shite will drag out for millenia,) where they get to ramble about the local stuffed chicken museum to you, and maybe one pre-lunch outing to something you like. They probably just want to talk and connect. And this is coming from a guy that has about a 20m tolerance for his mom.
She showed up this weekend (I'm late 40s) and her other two Houston meet ups canceled last minute, and I got stuck with stupid questions like, "Should I come to meet you for the LSU game?" No, woman, I don't have pants on 30 seconds after I walk into my apartment.
When I told her I applied to rent a house, she exclaimed, "this means I can stay with you when I come to visit," LOL. The security guard at La Centerra probably would have separated us if he heard. No, mom, we established 20 years ago you have fricked up boundaries, and those bedrooms are for my kids. If you can't afford $119 a night once a year, don't travel. Then she managed to start a fight about stuff that happened 15 years ago, etc.
Draw your boundaries sir. You will sleep much better if you do.
You shouldn't have to feel like you do, but you could always book them (or send them, so you don't have to pay) Viator tours to give them something to do. The tendency of that kind of parents is crushing (Hey, let me show you everything that's not a strip club near *insert Army base here* is kind of exhausting.)
Plan a lunch every day (not dinner, that shite will drag out for millenia,) where they get to ramble about the local stuffed chicken museum to you, and maybe one pre-lunch outing to something you like. They probably just want to talk and connect. And this is coming from a guy that has about a 20m tolerance for his mom.
Posted on 9/5/24 at 12:44 am to Bison
quote:
Bison
Name checks out
Posted on 9/5/24 at 1:58 am to Bison
quote:
I’m lucky to have both parents still alive
Keep focusing on that. You won't know how much it's possible to miss a parent until they're not there any more.
Posted on 9/5/24 at 2:15 am to Bison
We all operate under the firehose of situation after situation at work and our job descriptions are a moving target.
If this is a rare visit, make the effort and push back the work boundaries for the weekend as much as you want to keep on working to make the statement of, “See, I told you I was busy!”.
Be a good host to your parents. They want to see your life and how you are doing in the world.
The best gift you can give them is your attention, before the years roll by and you’re saying goodbye on the 6th floor of a hospital room overlooking the top of the parking garage and HVAC units.
Just like Brian Kelly should have done, take the points when you have the opportunity.
If this is a rare visit, make the effort and push back the work boundaries for the weekend as much as you want to keep on working to make the statement of, “See, I told you I was busy!”.
Be a good host to your parents. They want to see your life and how you are doing in the world.
The best gift you can give them is your attention, before the years roll by and you’re saying goodbye on the 6th floor of a hospital room overlooking the top of the parking garage and HVAC units.
Just like Brian Kelly should have done, take the points when you have the opportunity.
Posted on 9/5/24 at 2:19 am to Bison
Having lost my dad a few weeks ago and my mom 12 years now frick work.
I spent last year so fricking busy I missed my last year traveling and hnging out while homeschooling my oldest who enrolled in high school and a lot of time with Pop.
We even missed making sausage in the spring as we have done since I was 8 years old and said we can just do it in the fall due to an outage I "couldn't get away from".
Well he's gone and he ain't coming back. I'm having a hard time running out of what sausage we have left cause it's the last thing we made together. Something so trivial....
frick work.
Enjoy your parents and be glad they are willing and ABLE to fly. My mom died fighting dementia for years and dad was disabled and couldn't come to my house 15 minutes away...
I spent last year so fricking busy I missed my last year traveling and hnging out while homeschooling my oldest who enrolled in high school and a lot of time with Pop.
We even missed making sausage in the spring as we have done since I was 8 years old and said we can just do it in the fall due to an outage I "couldn't get away from".
Well he's gone and he ain't coming back. I'm having a hard time running out of what sausage we have left cause it's the last thing we made together. Something so trivial....
frick work.
Enjoy your parents and be glad they are willing and ABLE to fly. My mom died fighting dementia for years and dad was disabled and couldn't come to my house 15 minutes away...
Posted on 9/5/24 at 2:22 am to Bison
quote:
Can someone tell me how much of an a-hole I am for feeling this way?
Major league. You may be the biggest a-hole your parents know. Congrats?
Posted on 9/5/24 at 2:36 am to Bison
Bring on the downvotes.
I feel for you OP. I’m in a similar situation. I’ve gotten extremely successful in my career, making more money than I ever thought I would with my shite degree and only looking to climb more. When I’m not working loads of extra hours, I’m trying to be the best dad I can be to my kids. However my mother somehow tries to find ways to make every situation about her and her feelings and what she wants. She made my brother and sister-in-law cry on their wedding weekend, she just made my 6 year old daughter feel bad about her birthday tradition we do every year. It’s frustrating.
I understand a lot of people on here that already posted are saying suck it up. They aren’t wrong that life is short and to get in the moments that you can. But at the same time, you have to live in the moment and not think about potential regrets in the future. Focus on what makes you happy. Sounds like it’s too late for this weekend. Make the best of what you can and once they leave set the boundary hard. Have a honest and blunt conversation with them. If you don’t, it won’t stop. And reassure them that it’s not because you don’t love them, that will never change. But they also need to respect you and what you have chosen as your priorities.
I feel for you OP. I’m in a similar situation. I’ve gotten extremely successful in my career, making more money than I ever thought I would with my shite degree and only looking to climb more. When I’m not working loads of extra hours, I’m trying to be the best dad I can be to my kids. However my mother somehow tries to find ways to make every situation about her and her feelings and what she wants. She made my brother and sister-in-law cry on their wedding weekend, she just made my 6 year old daughter feel bad about her birthday tradition we do every year. It’s frustrating.
I understand a lot of people on here that already posted are saying suck it up. They aren’t wrong that life is short and to get in the moments that you can. But at the same time, you have to live in the moment and not think about potential regrets in the future. Focus on what makes you happy. Sounds like it’s too late for this weekend. Make the best of what you can and once they leave set the boundary hard. Have a honest and blunt conversation with them. If you don’t, it won’t stop. And reassure them that it’s not because you don’t love them, that will never change. But they also need to respect you and what you have chosen as your priorities.
Posted on 9/5/24 at 3:03 am to Bison
Sports and your short term relaxation plans are meaningless.
You will feel horrible about being anything less than a great welcoming host when you look back after they are dead. Conversely you will have a sense of pride and gratitude if you look back on doing the right thing.
You may not be a terrible person but rather fixating on meaningless selfish desires and prioritizing over your loved ones who likely sacrificed so that you could have the life you are pursuing .
You will feel horrible about being anything less than a great welcoming host when you look back after they are dead. Conversely you will have a sense of pride and gratitude if you look back on doing the right thing.
You may not be a terrible person but rather fixating on meaningless selfish desires and prioritizing over your loved ones who likely sacrificed so that you could have the life you are pursuing .
Posted on 9/5/24 at 3:06 am to Bison
My dad died 2 years ago almost to this exact moment.
You’re an idiot and an a-hole. Take some time away from work and spend it with your fricking parents and enjoy it. These moments will become less and less and you will absolutely regret spending time on a job that doesn’t matter instead of on the things that matter, like your mom and dad.
Sometimes it is hard to see the forest through the trees but you really need to take a step back and understand your priorities.
You’re an idiot and an a-hole. Take some time away from work and spend it with your fricking parents and enjoy it. These moments will become less and less and you will absolutely regret spending time on a job that doesn’t matter instead of on the things that matter, like your mom and dad.
Sometimes it is hard to see the forest through the trees but you really need to take a step back and understand your priorities.
Posted on 9/5/24 at 3:16 am to Bison
Sounds like your parents won't be coming back anytime soon as they only travel when its affordable...it's for a fricking weekend and not 2 weeks...get your damn priorities straight.
If they bother you this much, and a visit causes this much anger, you might need to sever your relationship completely and move. Don't tell them where you went.
Extreme..yes, but so is your reaction to their visit.
Reading your post made me so glad I have kids in MA and TX who want to come home to visit me, and don't mind when I show up for the weekend where they are.....I am grateful it's not like this.
When your Mom and Dad are gone you will remember EVERY time you were hard on them or short with them...and you WILL regret it.
Oh, and frick work..
If they bother you this much, and a visit causes this much anger, you might need to sever your relationship completely and move. Don't tell them where you went.
Extreme..yes, but so is your reaction to their visit.
Reading your post made me so glad I have kids in MA and TX who want to come home to visit me, and don't mind when I show up for the weekend where they are.....I am grateful it's not like this.
When your Mom and Dad are gone you will remember EVERY time you were hard on them or short with them...and you WILL regret it.
Oh, and frick work..
This post was edited on 9/5/24 at 3:24 am
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