re: Marriage over or salvageable?

My friend, it sounds like you’re growing up.

Things aren’t going to be how they were pre-kids. Not anytime soon, at least. She’s got 3 young kids who are likely constantly touching her & needing something. It’s draining. Conversation probably won’t be fun and exciting right now. It doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. This is a phase of life, and it’ll pass if you give it time and try to keep some love and patience in your heart.

The thought of divorcing with 3 young children is really depressing. Do you want to see your kids every other weekend? They’ll have an entire other life and world you know little about. Jumping from this ship so you can get laid more regularly is about as selfish as it comes.

A lot of people in this thread will tell you to man up. This is part of marriage and it ebbs and flows. There are definitely lows and highs in marriages. Kids make a marriage different. That doesn’t mean bad, just different.

I will hit the 20 year mark in a few months. We were married for 6 years before we had kids. The first one changed our marriage, but for the better. It was 5 years later when our next child came and that’s when we became more like partners raising children, than 2 people in love with a family.

It gets less intimate every year. We love each other but she is a parent first and a wife second. If I bring it up, then I’m the bad guy. I love my wife and I’m faithful, but I no longer see us growing old together. She chose to be a perfect mom and I can’t see me just letting that go when the kids leave.

Hopefully, it’s not too late for you and your wife, but you have to be honest now and work on it now. The longer those feelings go, the more resentment will grow.

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Jumping from this ship so you can get laid more regularly is about as selfish as it comes.

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And let’s be honest too. If people in this thread were putting their fair share in the bedroom, I doubt there would be a sex issue. And likely there will be an issue with their next one too.

Look into how to actually go down on your SO. Last longer than 2 minutes down there. Stop being selfish in the bedroom and maybe your partner would be more interested.

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by DeSantis_2024

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I don't need to read any further to tell you that you're an absolute chode and your wife hates you. Marriage is over, if you don't make the move then she will

What you are going through is normal when having life changing young kids.

The good news is that when things settle down and get better, your love for each other will strengthen, remembwring how you both got through a/the bad times.

This is normal in marriage. Relax.

Agree with most that its totally fixable at this point. However, to fix it it will take actual action on both parties part. Good ideas on here so far, but I would strongly suggest some online or in person couples therapy. It takes two for that to work for sure. I would also say that the big risk is lapsing into this type of relationship for another decade. That is what I did twice. I sat in a broken marriage for the kids sake and it never got better only worse, because we never took the steps to fix anything. Like someone said if you love each other at this point fix it. At some point, your love (or hers) will not be enough to sustain a happy marriage. there is nothing dishonorable about divorce and often its best for the kids. That said divorce is awful and if you go that route play nice but be smart. In my opinion you are a long way from that right now. Good luck and Godspeed.

ETA I just saw Bowljackson's post and I have to agree with him or her so just ignore what I posted above.

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by DeSantis_2024


I don't need to read any further to tell you that you're an absolute chode and your wife hates you. Marriage is over, if you don't make the move then she will

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get back to the way it was.

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There’s not a married couple in the history of the world that’s been married for more than 5-6 years that will get back to “what it was.” That dopamine hit is gone. The only way you’re going to find that again is with someone new. And that’s going to wear off. And then when that wears off, the only way you’ll get it again is with someone new. So what do you do? Just stay single and jump from one hit to another?

That’s life when you grow up. You learn to work together. Get tired of each other together but remember what you’re there for and work your way through it. Been married a little over 13 years now. Ebbs and flows. Learn to ride them or you’re going to be 40 and single and your pickings are going to be slim af. On top of that, your kids mental stability as well.

Appreciate all the tough love I got in this thread. Wife and I had a good talk last night and I think if I put in more work on my end things will get better, not some unattainable "perfect" like my brain thinks they were in the "good ole days", but can be much better than they are now.