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Started By
Message
re: We need a joke today.
Posted on 3/10/22 at 8:43 pm to LSUFanHouston
Posted on 3/10/22 at 8:43 pm to LSUFanHouston
What do Italians call their own housing projects?
The Spaghetto.
The Spaghetto.
0
Posted on 3/10/22 at 8:48 pm to tigerbutt
quote:
Look in your pants.
I said we need a joke, not a log
Posted on 3/10/22 at 8:49 pm to LSUFanHouston
quote:
Look in your pants. I Look in your pants.
said we need a joke, not a log
You shite yourself again?
Posted on 3/10/22 at 8:50 pm to OweO
Posted on 3/10/22 at 8:52 pm to 14caratgoldjones
quote:
What do you call a blind Gynecologist?
quote:
A lip reader
how is a blind guy gonna read lips? Yes I know pussy has lips, but he’s blind? Maybe you meant deaf?
This post was edited on 3/10/22 at 8:53 pm
Posted on 3/10/22 at 8:52 pm to LSUFanHouston
A little long, but one of my favorite jokes of all time:
A man was driving through Mississippi in his brand new 1978 Chrysler Cordoba and pulled into a filling station.
The attendant walks up and as he's filling the tank, he notices the man's golf bag in the back seat. Curious, he started asking questions.
"Hey mister, what exactly is that?"
The man replies "that's my driver; I use it to hit the ball far down the fairway"
"Gee, that sure is something! What about that one?"
"Well, that's my putter; I use that to tap the ball into the hole when I'm really close."
"Maaaaan that sure is sharp! And what about those?"
"Well those are called tees, and that's what I put my balls on while I drive"
The attendant slaps his knee and says "Well goddamn, that Lee Iacocca sure thinks of everything!"
A man was driving through Mississippi in his brand new 1978 Chrysler Cordoba and pulled into a filling station.
The attendant walks up and as he's filling the tank, he notices the man's golf bag in the back seat. Curious, he started asking questions.
"Hey mister, what exactly is that?"
The man replies "that's my driver; I use it to hit the ball far down the fairway"
"Gee, that sure is something! What about that one?"
"Well, that's my putter; I use that to tap the ball into the hole when I'm really close."
"Maaaaan that sure is sharp! And what about those?"
"Well those are called tees, and that's what I put my balls on while I drive"
The attendant slaps his knee and says "Well goddamn, that Lee Iacocca sure thinks of everything!"
Posted on 3/10/22 at 8:53 pm to fr33manator
al dente at best
Posted on 3/10/22 at 8:55 pm to LSUFanHouston
A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!
The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!
__________________________________________
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say hello?
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!
The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!
__________________________________________
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say hello?
This post was edited on 3/12/22 at 7:28 am
Posted on 3/10/22 at 8:59 pm to Bullfrog
My wife farts in bed and it stinks
Posted on 3/10/22 at 9:18 pm to CecilShortsHisPants
Q: How do you catch a polar bear with a saw and a can of peas?
A: Well, first you grab your saw and saw a hole in the ice about twice the size of a polar bear. You open the can of peas and place the peas around the hole 1 inch apart…then you hide behind a snow dune.
When you see a polar bear stop to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
A: Well, first you grab your saw and saw a hole in the ice about twice the size of a polar bear. You open the can of peas and place the peas around the hole 1 inch apart…then you hide behind a snow dune.
When you see a polar bear stop to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
Posted on 3/10/22 at 9:36 pm to LSUFanHouston
Kentucky Fried Chicken has a Bernie Sanders combo meal. You get a bunch of left wings.
Posted on 3/10/22 at 9:37 pm to LSUFanHouston
A young Indian boy asks the chief "Chief, how do you come about all of our names in our tribe?"
The chief replies "Well, when every Indian baby is born, I gaze at our beautiful Indian world, and name the baby after the first thing I see."
"That's how your sister got the name Morning Dove, and your brother got the name Lone Wolf."
"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Phucking?"
The chief replies "Well, when every Indian baby is born, I gaze at our beautiful Indian world, and name the baby after the first thing I see."
"That's how your sister got the name Morning Dove, and your brother got the name Lone Wolf."
"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Phucking?"
Posted on 3/12/22 at 8:14 pm to LSUFanHouston
(Kinda long)
As a man is wanting to join the mile high club during his long flight overseas. He notices a very attractive woman 1 seat up and accross the aisle and decides to strike up a convo when the seatbelt light is turned off.
The light goes off and the attractive woman whips out a laptop and appears to start doing some work before he could approach her.
After a couple of hours she puts away the laptop and he leaps at the opportunity to speak to her.
Him: you didnt waist anytime diving in and getting busy with work I see. It's a long flight so you should relax.
Her: yeah I know, but I have a speaking engagement tomorrow and just wanting to be prepared as much as possible.
Him: Speaking engagement? What do you do?
Her: I'm a sex research analyst.
Him: Oh REALLY! You research sex?!
Her: Well kind of. What I do is I record a Subjects 1st & last name, their heritage and then take measurements of the male penis. I record the length, girth and the stamina of male subjects, then cross reference the data to their heritage to see if a pattern can be established.
Him: I'm not sure I follow.
Her: I'll give you an example.
In my research I've established that Native American males have long, skinny penises, Jewish men have thick, but shorter penises and Southern Men have incredible stamina.
Him Fascinating.
Her: it's a long flight you know and I'd be happy to do an analysis on you?
What's your entire name?
Him: Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.
As a man is wanting to join the mile high club during his long flight overseas. He notices a very attractive woman 1 seat up and accross the aisle and decides to strike up a convo when the seatbelt light is turned off.
The light goes off and the attractive woman whips out a laptop and appears to start doing some work before he could approach her.
After a couple of hours she puts away the laptop and he leaps at the opportunity to speak to her.
Him: you didnt waist anytime diving in and getting busy with work I see. It's a long flight so you should relax.
Her: yeah I know, but I have a speaking engagement tomorrow and just wanting to be prepared as much as possible.
Him: Speaking engagement? What do you do?
Her: I'm a sex research analyst.
Him: Oh REALLY! You research sex?!
Her: Well kind of. What I do is I record a Subjects 1st & last name, their heritage and then take measurements of the male penis. I record the length, girth and the stamina of male subjects, then cross reference the data to their heritage to see if a pattern can be established.
Him: I'm not sure I follow.
Her: I'll give you an example.
In my research I've established that Native American males have long, skinny penises, Jewish men have thick, but shorter penises and Southern Men have incredible stamina.
Him Fascinating.
Her: it's a long flight you know and I'd be happy to do an analysis on you?
What's your entire name?
Him: Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.
Posted on 3/12/22 at 8:20 pm to LSUFanHouston
What do you call a drive-by with a group of gay guys?
A fruit roll-up
A fruit roll-up
Posted on 3/12/22 at 8:23 pm to LSUFanHouston
I had some unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
but none of them work.
Posted on 3/12/22 at 9:25 pm to Shamoan
My FIL's favorite joke.
Posted on 3/12/22 at 9:38 pm to LSUFanHouston
Jake and Sally had been married fifteen years and were still very much in love. Unfortunately, their lovemaking had become predictable and boring. They tried various remedies – sexy lingerie for Sally, sex toys, role playing, watching porn together - but nothing jump-started their sex life.
They decided to seek help from a sex therapist. At their first visit they explained their problem in much detail. Dr. Swartz listened without comment and when Sally and Jake had finished their narrative, he looked over his notes and spoke.
“There are a few exercises we can try in our lab here, but after listening to both of you, I think I already see the problem… You are both over-thinking the situation – you plan rather than act. What you need to do between now and our next appointment is to just let it happen. No plan, no props – when the mood arises do it spontaneously.”
Jack and Sally arrived for their next appointment two weeks later all smiles.
Dr. Swartz asked, “Did you let things happen?”
Jack answered, “We did. A few nights after our last appointment, we sat down for supper. Before we had taken the first bite I looked across the table at Sally, she looked at me, smiled and winked. I nodded my head… We threw the dishes off the table, Sally lay down, I pulled up her dress up and pulled off her panties and dropped my trousers to my ankles. We went at it like we were newlyweds – Sally screamed when she climaxed and just after that I had the best orgasm I’ve experienced in many years…”
The doctor nodded his head and said, “I’m glad everything worked out so well for you two…”
Sally answered, “Not everything worked out so well – we've been banned from Piccadilly for life.”
They decided to seek help from a sex therapist. At their first visit they explained their problem in much detail. Dr. Swartz listened without comment and when Sally and Jake had finished their narrative, he looked over his notes and spoke.
“There are a few exercises we can try in our lab here, but after listening to both of you, I think I already see the problem… You are both over-thinking the situation – you plan rather than act. What you need to do between now and our next appointment is to just let it happen. No plan, no props – when the mood arises do it spontaneously.”
Jack and Sally arrived for their next appointment two weeks later all smiles.
Dr. Swartz asked, “Did you let things happen?”
Jack answered, “We did. A few nights after our last appointment, we sat down for supper. Before we had taken the first bite I looked across the table at Sally, she looked at me, smiled and winked. I nodded my head… We threw the dishes off the table, Sally lay down, I pulled up her dress up and pulled off her panties and dropped my trousers to my ankles. We went at it like we were newlyweds – Sally screamed when she climaxed and just after that I had the best orgasm I’ve experienced in many years…”
The doctor nodded his head and said, “I’m glad everything worked out so well for you two…”
Sally answered, “Not everything worked out so well – we've been banned from Piccadilly for life.”
Posted on 3/12/22 at 9:40 pm to UnoMe
quote:
how is a blind guy gonna read lips?
How do blind people read? Think hard now.
Posted on 3/12/22 at 9:43 pm to LSUFanHouston
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates
Prime mates
Posted on 3/12/22 at 11:21 pm to LSUFanHouston
A young boy was bored and getting into everything and his mom had enough.
"Johnny, why dont you go next door and watch the builders work on the house. Maybe you'll learn something. Make sure your back by dinner time."
So johnny leaves and returns just before dinner...and before his dad comes home.
"So Johnny, did you learn anything from the construction guys?"
"Sure did Mom. I learned how to hang a door!"
"How do you hang a door?" the mom asked.
"Wellllll, you gotta move the sumbitch a little to the left, a kunt hair to the right and that m'fer atta fit right on in there." replied Johnny.
The mom was enraged and sent to johnny to his room.
Soon after going to his room the dad arrives home from work and he notices "mom" is fuming mad.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"I'm so mad at YOUR son right now that I cant even!! Go, GO ask your son what he learned while watching the builders work on the house next door!"
The dad goes upstairs and into Johnny's room and finds johnny in his bed.
"Johnny? Son....what did you learn today that has your mom so upset?"
"Dad, mom told me to go next door to watch the builders and see if I learn anything. When I came home she asked if I learned anything, and i did. She asked me what i learned and i told her. Then she got real angry and sent me to my room!"
"Well Son, what DID you learn?"
"I learned how to hang a door" Dad.
"Well, that's GREAT! Can you tell me how to hang a door?"
"Wellllll, you gotta move the sumbitch a little to the left, a kunt hair to the right and that m'fer atta fit right on in there."
The Dad jumps up from the bed and says "Johnny!! You march yourself downstairs, out the front door, go to the tree and fetch me a switch!"
"frick you Dad, that's the ELECTRICIANS JOB!" replied Johnny.
"Johnny, why dont you go next door and watch the builders work on the house. Maybe you'll learn something. Make sure your back by dinner time."
So johnny leaves and returns just before dinner...and before his dad comes home.
"So Johnny, did you learn anything from the construction guys?"
"Sure did Mom. I learned how to hang a door!"
"How do you hang a door?" the mom asked.
"Wellllll, you gotta move the sumbitch a little to the left, a kunt hair to the right and that m'fer atta fit right on in there." replied Johnny.
The mom was enraged and sent to johnny to his room.
Soon after going to his room the dad arrives home from work and he notices "mom" is fuming mad.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"I'm so mad at YOUR son right now that I cant even!! Go, GO ask your son what he learned while watching the builders work on the house next door!"
The dad goes upstairs and into Johnny's room and finds johnny in his bed.
"Johnny? Son....what did you learn today that has your mom so upset?"
"Dad, mom told me to go next door to watch the builders and see if I learn anything. When I came home she asked if I learned anything, and i did. She asked me what i learned and i told her. Then she got real angry and sent me to my room!"
"Well Son, what DID you learn?"
"I learned how to hang a door" Dad.
"Well, that's GREAT! Can you tell me how to hang a door?"
"Wellllll, you gotta move the sumbitch a little to the left, a kunt hair to the right and that m'fer atta fit right on in there."
The Dad jumps up from the bed and says "Johnny!! You march yourself downstairs, out the front door, go to the tree and fetch me a switch!"
"frick you Dad, that's the ELECTRICIANS JOB!" replied Johnny.
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