Trump wins golf tournament without playing in it

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Proving his own humble admission that he is “always the best at sports,” Donald J. Trump seized the gold medal at his own Florida club’s senior golf championship on Sunday.

Even more incredibly, the former president was able to claim victory despite completely skipping the tourney’s first day, having been in North Carolina for Lynette “Diamond” Hardaway’s memorial service.

Calling the win “a great honor” in a Truth Social post, Trump crowed, “Competed against many fine golfers, and was hitting the ball long and straight… You need strength and stamina to WIN, & I have strength & stamina - most others don’t. You also need strength & stamina to GOVERN!”

As the event’s other competitors teed off at Trump International Golf Club on Saturday, the club’s namesake was nearly 700 miles away in Fayetteville, North Carolina. Trump was recorded onstage at Fayetteville’s Crown Theater, eulogizing Diamond, the late pro-MAGA influencer who died suddenly at 51 a fortnight ago. “Through the tears and the grief, let us celebrate this incredible life,” he said.

The next morning, insiders told the Daily Mail, the former president rolled up to the green at West Palm Beach with a five-point lead over his closest competition. The outlet reported that Trump boasted of having played an excellent round earlier in the week, and that that game would count as his first day’s score.