Which OT'er shite all over St. James Episcopal Church when they were 13?

From Deadspin's mailbag column with Drew Magery

Its says Grant, but I'm not sure if he just makes those names up.

quote:

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One time when I was about 13, my mom made me go to Christmas Eve church even though I felt really sick. She thought I was lying, and I don’t blame her; chances are I was. But unfortunately, I wasn’t.

Fast-forward to church, where I end up having to make a mad dash down the aisle to head to the bathroom, only I don’t even come close to making it. shite starts dribbling down my legs and out of the pair of cuffed corduroy pants I’m wearing. By the time I hit the double doors, shite is plopping out of my pants and onto the red carpet of St. James Episcopal Church in Baton Rouge, La.

People notice as I shuffle past, trying to clinch my cheeks while the shite escapes. Once I’m in the hall headed to the bathroom, the quick walk turns into a dead sprint. I’ve now totally lost sphincter control and shite is flying everywhere. The men’s bathroom has two poop stalls, both occupied. I debate using the urinal, then realize the further humiliation that would cause if I’m caught shitting in a urinal by anyone that walks in.

So, I head for the women’s in desperation and proceed to absolutely destroy it. It was like a turn-and-burn; the pants came down as I swung my arse around, spraying what I had left in me all over the stall walls and the toilet. I didn’t mean to miss, it just happened that way. Worst part is, my family didn’t know how badly things had escalated. I had to retrace my steps, passing the shite plops in the hallway and in the main aisle, to get back to my mom. I rode home with my arse hovering above the seat. My mom had to give me a bath. I was too sick and too messy to even clean myself off. Did I mention I was 13? Thankfully, no pictures exist.

Also, I’ve got a little guilt complex about ruining some poor custodian’s Christmas Eve. The worst moment of my life and the worst of his life could be inextricably linked. I have not since returned to St. James Episcopal Church.

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