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re: Unexpected Thoughts/Feelings after Losing a Loved One
Posted on 7/26/24 at 12:02 pm to Geert
Posted on 7/26/24 at 12:02 pm to Geert
Lost my dad in an industrial accident. We had to cremate as a result. I had seen him a week prior but him just being gone after was hard. That was over a year ago and it still hurts. I was the only sibling able to go be with my mom through all of it. It was late at night so I had to make a 3 hour drive with only my thoughts. I ended up doing a fair bit of funeral planning and I gave the eulogy which helped me out alot I've found. That and just talking through everything. You're never really the "same" after but you continue on because you have to.
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Posted on 7/26/24 at 12:05 pm to madamsquirrel
My mom absolutely did not want an open casket for my dad. I was surprised, but it really was for the best. She, my siblings, and I visited him laid out at the funeral home a few days before the ceremony and said goodbye. We did the video montage and had pictures around his urn. It was a lot less painful than it could have been.
This post was edited on 7/26/24 at 12:12 pm
Posted on 7/26/24 at 12:11 pm to Bert Macklin FBI
You're just worn out.
They were your life 24/7 and you knew inevitably what was going to happen. You loved them as hard and as long as you could, but in the end, they had to go with God.
It wasn't relief, it was more accepting defeat.
It was never a burden, but it was hard.
They were your life 24/7 and you knew inevitably what was going to happen. You loved them as hard and as long as you could, but in the end, they had to go with God.
It wasn't relief, it was more accepting defeat.
It was never a burden, but it was hard.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 12:12 pm to Jim Rockford
quote:
It really show you who your friends are, and for the most part aren't. If I were a better person I wouldn't keep score about such things. But I'm not a better person. I remember who was there and who wasn't.
Kind of ties into my unexpected feeling of guilt/shame for not reaching out more in the past when friends experienced loss. In my head, I was "there" if my friends needed me, but I was never really proactive with reaching out to them.
It's something I will definitely be more cognizant of going forward now that I have been on the other side.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 12:39 pm to Geert
After thinking about this I did come up with one - I wished I would have asked more questions about the family.
- How did mom's mother really feel about dad?
- What did they enjoy / do while growing up? In much more detail than I already knew.
- What were grandma and grandpa like while they were growing up? Uncles, aunts and cousins, etc.
- Why did they do (or not do) certain things that had a direct bearing on our lives?
Mainly stuff to better fill in family history.
- How did mom's mother really feel about dad?
- What did they enjoy / do while growing up? In much more detail than I already knew.
- What were grandma and grandpa like while they were growing up? Uncles, aunts and cousins, etc.
- Why did they do (or not do) certain things that had a direct bearing on our lives?
Mainly stuff to better fill in family history.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 12:42 pm to Geert
Losing my grandfather was really difficult as it was happening... he was in at home hospice and we watched his body essentially shut down over the course of 6 months. I was a wreck as it was happening then was actually relieved when my mom called to say he went.
What was unexpected is I feel closer to him now than I did in his final few years. We were very close when i was a kid...he basically was my father figure... as I got older and he did he withdrew and I moved... he wasnt a talker so there was that. He ran a company very compassionately and exceptionally well... I now run a company as well and try to emulate him as I navigate that. I keep one of his rosarys hanging in my office and honestly feel his guidance and presence more than I have in years when he was living.
What was unexpected is I feel closer to him now than I did in his final few years. We were very close when i was a kid...he basically was my father figure... as I got older and he did he withdrew and I moved... he wasnt a talker so there was that. He ran a company very compassionately and exceptionally well... I now run a company as well and try to emulate him as I navigate that. I keep one of his rosarys hanging in my office and honestly feel his guidance and presence more than I have in years when he was living.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 1:11 pm to N2cars
Condolences to the OP.
My wife passed a couple of years ago from an untreatable neurological disorder. We were both 50.
The physical exhaustion of grief surprises me. It’s not just an emotional thing, it actually exhausts you as much as physical work. I can be sitting all day, get hit by a wave of grief, and be as physically tired as if I’d been working out.
My wife passed a couple of years ago from an untreatable neurological disorder. We were both 50.
The physical exhaustion of grief surprises me. It’s not just an emotional thing, it actually exhausts you as much as physical work. I can be sitting all day, get hit by a wave of grief, and be as physically tired as if I’d been working out.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 1:12 pm to Geert
quote:
Anyone care to share what you experienced that you didn’t see coming after the death of a close loved one
The last time I saw my oldest brother, he was in the hospital. He'd had a stroke years before, and wasn't in great health...but we expected him to pull through. He was about 4 hours away, and I had to get back home after the visit. Before I left the room I said, "see you later...I love you", and he said "I love you, too". I was 52 years old, and don't think we'd ever said that to each other. So, I hold on to that moment. Maybe you have a moment or exchange that you can hold onto as well. Praying for you and your family during this time of loss.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 2:36 pm to LSUJML
quote:
The guilt of not saying I love you to them more
I know it's hard to not feel guilty, but even if you said it to them every day you would still feel just as sad. You can't be too hard on yourself.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 4:02 pm to Geert
I would only say this on here but I felt guilt for feeling relieved after what I saw my grandmother and grandfather go thru.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 4:18 pm to Geert
That is usually the hardest part, knowing what the family will be dealing with.
Everyone deals with it different. When my dad died (this was 26 years ago) no one could look at me and tell I was grieving. I never once seen my dad cry and my mom told me the only time she saw him cry was when he dad died, who passed away on my first birthday. And that is wasn't really a cry, he had some tears in his eyes.
I really grew up thinking men don't cry, things happen you move on and to a degree thats how I deal with things today. Life is filled with unexpected events, things you can't control. That's the ups and downs of life. All you can do is hope for the best expect the worst. And that sort of makes it easier for me to deal with things, but then there is the emotional side of it and thats when I hurt for other people..
But with my dad, I didn't expect the emotional part to take as long as it did. Although no one could tell.. there were times several years later, in the middle of the day it would hit me hard. If I was alone I would ball out crying then be fine. If I was around others, in class, etc I had to mentally fight it.
Thats all I got.
Everyone deals with it different. When my dad died (this was 26 years ago) no one could look at me and tell I was grieving. I never once seen my dad cry and my mom told me the only time she saw him cry was when he dad died, who passed away on my first birthday. And that is wasn't really a cry, he had some tears in his eyes.
I really grew up thinking men don't cry, things happen you move on and to a degree thats how I deal with things today. Life is filled with unexpected events, things you can't control. That's the ups and downs of life. All you can do is hope for the best expect the worst. And that sort of makes it easier for me to deal with things, but then there is the emotional side of it and thats when I hurt for other people..
But with my dad, I didn't expect the emotional part to take as long as it did. Although no one could tell.. there were times several years later, in the middle of the day it would hit me hard. If I was alone I would ball out crying then be fine. If I was around others, in class, etc I had to mentally fight it.
Thats all I got.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 5:15 pm to Geert
My surprise, after looking back 2 yrs after my 91 yr old Mother died, was how no one, not church friends or even family have checked in on me. Not a soul. In fact, I had a cousin tell me "you just soldier through it". The harsh reality of that might be true, but it still pisses me off he said that. That's what surprised me most.
Fortunately, I had been taking care of her for the last several years. There are many many moments I relive the good times we had. The only really good thing out of all of it, is that I plunged into the Scriptures, especially Thesalonians. For the first time, I "saw" the hope of our salvation is when Christ comes again, and we are taken up with Him. So we grieve, but not like men with no hope. I so look forward to seeing her again.
Fortunately, I had been taking care of her for the last several years. There are many many moments I relive the good times we had. The only really good thing out of all of it, is that I plunged into the Scriptures, especially Thesalonians. For the first time, I "saw" the hope of our salvation is when Christ comes again, and we are taken up with Him. So we grieve, but not like men with no hope. I so look forward to seeing her again.
Posted on 7/26/24 at 5:39 pm to Geert
My son was murdered two years ago. The first week I was in a state of disbelief, after we said our goodbyes to him is when it hit me like a ton of bricks. The pain never goes away but you just learn to live with it.
Not a day goes by that I don’t talk to him.
Not a day goes by that I don’t talk to him.
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