re: The problem with Valentine’s Day and obligatory gift-giving

First year we were dating, I made steak and lobster. It's just become a tradition now to eat steak and lobster. Except last year it was on Ash Wednesday so we went and ate crawfish.

I don't do it to get anything. I do it because I cook all the time. The only difference is the menu.

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That’s not what I meant at all.

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it's pretty much what you said

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It's an inexpensive and otherwise meaningless gesture; but she loves flowers and it all but guarantees I'll be getting laid. Seems like a good trade off to me.

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Not necessarily

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My wife and I have been together for 14 years and have never done Valentine's Day.

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Same - 7 years and we've never done it. I see a lot of posts about it being a trap/test. Its most certainly not. We don't always do Christmas gifts or birthday gifts either. I'm not a "gift" person though. I prefer to pick out my own shite.

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And we often do trips to substitute for gifts. We've always been travel people.

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Yeah we do this a lot.

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You don't want your wife to be the only one who didn't get anything. And trust me, those women do compare notes.

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This is the exact reason my wife doesn't want anything. Simply getting a gift for the sake of getting a gift is the exact opposite of what that day is supposed to be. It doesn't show love or respect or anything special. She sees that and wants no part in it.

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Sometimes it is just about making your lady happy, my man. I don't like hallmark holidays as much as the next guy. But if she is happy she gets flowers and a dinner, so be it.

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The problem is that over time it may not actually be making her happy. And giving her gifts out of obligation may not make you happy either.

There are some women who appreciate it and are truly thankful. They will then reciprocate in some way out of love/gratitude. There are many others who see it as a duty their husbands must fulfill. A creditor isn't "happy" to receive your payment, he's just relieved you didn't default. This is why you see countless articles written by women offering advice on how to "improve" their husband's gift-giving. She may reciprocate by having sex with you, but that's also being done out of duty, or pity. It's a transaction. The truth is that sex shouldn't be a reward your wife gives you. You're not a dog and sex isn't a treat.

There's a good research paper from the 60's (that's still applicable today) that, among other things, covers the psychological aspect of gift exchanges and reciprocity. It's called The Social Psychology of the Gift. There's some interesting stuff in there on debt imbalances with gift-giving and the importance of gratitude.

My wife would be pissed if I wasted money on this meaningless crap of flowers, chocolate, etc.

We don’t do Valentines gifts or even Christmas gifts. If we want something we go buy it. We don’t wait for a holiday.