re: Need a little encouragement. I have a difficult young son.

My first guess would be nutritional issue or lack of physical exercise issue. If that didn't help, idk what id do next.

I try to make sure mine are putting themselves in the bed come 2030. It wasn't easy to get there and there were some nights of throwing fits on the floor and all that drama. They get exercised hard.

They know now, if they get out of the bed it better be to go to the bathroom, otherwise a monster truck will dissappear. They challenged me on it twice and both times they watched me throw a couple toys in the garbage before they got the message.

There's not always a need to spank them. Throwing their favorite $2 toy in the garbage can be vastly more effective at certain times.

Thankfully with mine, it was a brief phase at 2/3 years old. Now they know, if daddy says go to bed it means right now. I run this joint like boot camp

Eta: and when your wife goes dig them out the garbage because she can't fathom how you could ever be so cruel to a young boy, throw it away again, in your work dumpster, and explain to your son that mom made a simple mistake.

He is not going to listen to you until he decides it is worth his while, and it is never going to be worth his while as long as you are maintaining his quality of life while he acts a fool.

So, start subtracting.

Find out what is most precious to him, and take that away when he misbehaves.

Maybe it's freedom - confine him to his room.

Maybe it's toys. Put them out of reach.

Maybe it's dessert. Peas and carrots.

It won't be easy, but you gotta start somewhere.

Also, as for getting him evaluated my perspective is this: if he shows signs of actually being able to behave at times, dont bother. Real issues can't be turned on and off. He just lacks incentive to act right. Some kids are easy and find that incentive on their own. When they don't, its your job to give it to him.

(no message)

He's 3. He has no control.

I’m not sure any of these things alone or in combination mean he’s autistic. He honestly sounds a lot like my now 10 year old. He’s gotten better with age, but he’s still very impulsive and gets in trouble in school way more than my other two. We would always do the count to three method when he wasn’t listening and then consequences. You can’t EVER get to 3 and not deliver punishment, or he will take you for a sucker, and it won’t work anymore. He will still occasionally throw himself on the ground and act dramatic if he doesn’t get his way, but the funny thing is that if I pull out my phone and start recording, he will immediately stop. He knows now that’s not acceptable. Plus, now his older brother teases the shite out of him when he does it. What I’ve learned with a kid like him is that it’s super important to remind him that every day is a new day to make good choices. He is 100% the type of kid to just say screw you and not even try if he thinks you’re impossible to please. Your son sounds the same way. There have been a couple of times he’s been paired with teachers who don’t allow him to reset and start clean each day. Those have been rough years.

Also, make sure he’s getting plenty of sleep. That’s all I’ve got. Good luck. Stubborn little bastards like that can make you want to pull your hair out, but they can also make you so proud if they can ever learn to pick their battles.

quote:

---

What I’ve learned with a kid like him is that it’s super important to remind him that every day is a new day to make good choices.

---

That’s what we did with my son during elementary. The things he loved most were TV and dessert. First infraction, lost dessert. Second, lost TV. Third, time out (sit in room with books and educational toys only.) ETA ages 5-10 that’s what we did and it reset every day. Younger than that, it was mostly time out for 10 min. He didn’t have the attention span to remember the whole day so it would reset as many times as it took.

This is from a PDF that my son’s pediatrician sent me about encouraging good behavior. We didn’t try it because he was around 8 at the time, and I didn’t think it would work as well. It would have worked very well for him at 4. Remember, he needs to know that every day is a chance to start fresh. I can’t stress how important that was for my son.

“Set up a point/token system for rewards and consequences. One effective method of encouraging your child to comply with your commands involves a jar and a supply of marbles. Each time your child does what you ask, put a marble in the jar. Each time he doesn't, take two marbles out of the jar. At the end of the day, he earns a small reward based on the number of marbles that remain in the jar, and then starts over again.”

quote:

---

So, start subtracting. Find out what is most precious to him, and take that away when he misbehaves.

---

FWIW this sort of thing worked way better for my kid with these tendencies than any other disciplinary method (along with helping them work through their emotions to keep the emotions from escalating). Also you remaining as cool as a cucumber and not letting your child’s emotions ratchet up your own emotions is crucial and oftentimes difficult. Having a disciplinary structure keeps you in check as well. Like before I had a plan I’d find myself getting flustered by the meltdowns. Then I started counting to 3 and when I get to 3 you’re losing a toy for a week. Now I know what to say and don’t need to think. Makes a difference in my overall level of sanity. Me being calm in turn doesn’t contribute anything negative to the general feeling in the room. *this is more easily said then done especially when there are multiple kids in the picture adding layers of complication

quote:

---

quote:
We love our son but my wife and I realize nothing with this child is easy. I don't think he is autistic. He's very smart- not in that parent blind to reality way.


As the father of a very bright autistic child, I can tell you these are not mutually exclusive.

---

I'm afraid the parents are in denial and afraid to have him evaluated because they are afraid if he does test on the spectrum, friends and relative will look at them as failures.