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Started By
Message
That’s what she told him anyway. 
1
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:44 pm to CFLSaint
I was 44 when my wife and I met, she was 42. Neither of us had been married before or anything (she had been engaged once, over a decade earlier, and it ended badly because he was on the downhill slide to Trashville). We were both content enough being single but would like to find that right person.
Part of finding that right person is you (both parties) have to have first looked at yourself and your part of your relationship failures in a brutally objective light. Understand why you failed and what drove those behaviors (even if it was just to pick the wrong person to get involved with, you need to understand what drew you to that crazy bitch in the first place) and then decide how to fix that within you.
Once you have done that, you're ready to find someone else who has done that. If/When that happens, the next step is not bringing in baggage from your past relationships. This is a hard part because it requires good skills at conflict resolution. Chiefly, you both have to be self-aware enough to know when you are guilty of doing this and then humble enough to admit you were wrong, explain how you were wrong and then ask forgiveness. Another part of this conflict resolution issue is learning to let go of the fight once it's resolved for BOTH parties.
And finally, you both need to be getting into the relationship because you want to be together. Kids are great but if the potential for having them is a primary reason either of you is looking for a relationship, at least one of you will end up disappointed eventually. Each other first.
Speaking of kids... My wife and I were at a very similar age when we met and we tried for kids as soon as the wedding was over. Unfortunately, it was too late for us. That's why I mentioned "each other first" in the last paragraph. We would have loved having kids and (at least I like to think) we would have made great parents, but it simply wasn't in the cards for us (there was only a small chance IVF would have resulted in successful harvesting, much less carrying, etc and the financial cost was too high for such low chances). Part of being the age you are (and that of your potential mate) is to understand and be ready to accept that you may not be able to have kids (again, "each other first").
With the COVID scene and your age, it's tough meeting someone who fits the psychological framework I've outlined above (assuming you've done the work on yourself as well), the people you find in bars at your age are usually divorced and/or drama machines with crazy exes and/or have children (which can be problematic if the relationship fails). Because of all of that, my wife and I met through eHarmony and 8.5 years later we're still deeply and wonderfully in love (nothing is quite like the of having friends/family/neighbors randomly comment on how obvious your love for one another is and how they can tell you legitimately have a fantastic relationship). If you go that route be sure to go through the entire process (questionnaires, ice-breakers, etc), do NOT go straight to emails (you'ld be amazed how many mismatches you can avoid through this).
Whatever you decide, good luck.
Part of finding that right person is you (both parties) have to have first looked at yourself and your part of your relationship failures in a brutally objective light. Understand why you failed and what drove those behaviors (even if it was just to pick the wrong person to get involved with, you need to understand what drew you to that crazy bitch in the first place) and then decide how to fix that within you.
Once you have done that, you're ready to find someone else who has done that. If/When that happens, the next step is not bringing in baggage from your past relationships. This is a hard part because it requires good skills at conflict resolution. Chiefly, you both have to be self-aware enough to know when you are guilty of doing this and then humble enough to admit you were wrong, explain how you were wrong and then ask forgiveness. Another part of this conflict resolution issue is learning to let go of the fight once it's resolved for BOTH parties.
And finally, you both need to be getting into the relationship because you want to be together. Kids are great but if the potential for having them is a primary reason either of you is looking for a relationship, at least one of you will end up disappointed eventually. Each other first.
Speaking of kids... My wife and I were at a very similar age when we met and we tried for kids as soon as the wedding was over. Unfortunately, it was too late for us. That's why I mentioned "each other first" in the last paragraph. We would have loved having kids and (at least I like to think) we would have made great parents, but it simply wasn't in the cards for us (there was only a small chance IVF would have resulted in successful harvesting, much less carrying, etc and the financial cost was too high for such low chances). Part of being the age you are (and that of your potential mate) is to understand and be ready to accept that you may not be able to have kids (again, "each other first").
With the COVID scene and your age, it's tough meeting someone who fits the psychological framework I've outlined above (assuming you've done the work on yourself as well), the people you find in bars at your age are usually divorced and/or drama machines with crazy exes and/or have children (which can be problematic if the relationship fails). Because of all of that, my wife and I met through eHarmony and 8.5 years later we're still deeply and wonderfully in love (nothing is quite like the of having friends/family/neighbors randomly comment on how obvious your love for one another is and how they can tell you legitimately have a fantastic relationship). If you go that route be sure to go through the entire process (questionnaires, ice-breakers, etc), do NOT go straight to emails (you'ld be amazed how many mismatches you can avoid through this).
Whatever you decide, good luck.
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:44 pm to OGM
quote:
I can say with certainty that there is an abundance of single women between 27 and 32. Like 50/50. Sure, some of them are crazy, but some of them have just been living life and focusing on a career.
50% got someone pregnant and that’s their career. The other 50% are crazy
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:44 pm to CFLSaint
What’s your bank account look like?
Throw some rope in some 28-30 year olds and get a trophy
Profit
Throw some rope in some 28-30 year olds and get a trophy
Profit
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:45 pm to OGM
quote:
Sure, some of them are crazy
Water is wet
Dude is thirsty
Drink mfer
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:46 pm to SuperSaint
SuperSaint, what yo' bank 'bout?
Dog, I've been lost count…
Dog, I've been lost count…
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:47 pm to kywildcatfanone
quote:
My wife and I have no kids. I regret it some days, but then I see the world they would grow up in and think how difficult it would be to see them have to deal with the way America is going.
You could be depriving America of its John Connor, leader of the Resistance.
Something to think about.
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:47 pm to CFLSaint
I’m sorry but something about this post pisses me off. You sound like someone who has prolonged their adolescence into their late 30’s, and now wants to have a wife and kids for no other reason than because you “feel bad.”
Not to mention the fact that you even say that you never wanted kids, and refuse to settle for a woman that doesn’t meet your standards, yet call the fact that you’re alone and miserable “involuntary.”
Not to mention the fact that you even say that you never wanted kids, and refuse to settle for a woman that doesn’t meet your standards, yet call the fact that you’re alone and miserable “involuntary.”
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:48 pm to CFLSaint
quote:
I'm a 38 year old man
Still young. You probably have 40 or 50 years of life left.
quote:
. I was willing to get married if it was the right woman but I absolutely was no going to settle
This is a good idea. So long as you are prioritizing things like kindness, responsibility, and not things like tits and arse. Worse than being single is being miserable in a marriage or ruined financially and emotionally by divorce.
quote:
I've never had a huge amount of success with dating,
Tough love time. You sound like you have significant confidence issues and you have not done what it takes to be desired by women. Women don't want their male partners to be girlfriends. They want a strong resilient man with social standing and physical credibility.
To attract the type of woman you want you have to be confident, physically healthy, and financially desirable.
quote:
even if I were to find a woman that I loved and would marry we're probably talking about 41 or 42 before we would be having kids.
Not a problem. As a man your problem is making yourself physically, socially, and economically desirable. Your age is a relative non issue. High status men often peak in their desirability around age 50.
Frankly when it comes to women the worst thing you can do is worry about it or pursue women who are not extremely interested already. Women despise men of lower confidence and social standing- at least for them personally as partners.
All of the women who know you as a weak pudgy guy who can't get a date will never find you interesting as a partner because they perceive you as rejected by the other women- and dating you would place them lower in social standing than all of those other women
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:49 pm to shutterspeed
Me and the wife got old worried about having special needs kid
Not that we wouldn't love them just didn't think we would have structure to support
Not that we wouldn't love them just didn't think we would have structure to support
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:49 pm to CFLSaint
I got nothing but maybe an regular hook up with an oriental massage girl or find an older lady with older kids. Young kids can be a challenge and I wouldn't want to be a first time father to a newborn at age 40.
If those don't satisfy you, try the "mail order" bride route. I'd go Asian or Hispanic rather than eastern european, but that's up to you. Go with an iron clad prenup and the understanding she may leave you when your health starts declining.
Do you have a dog? It makes a huge difference.
If those don't satisfy you, try the "mail order" bride route. I'd go Asian or Hispanic rather than eastern european, but that's up to you. Go with an iron clad prenup and the understanding she may leave you when your health starts declining.
Do you have a dog? It makes a huge difference.
This post was edited on 11/14/21 at 2:53 pm
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:57 pm to TexasTiger08
quote:
Several things I’ll point out or suggest…
1. See a doctor or therapist about anxiety and depression
2. Dating apps make this all like shooting fish in a barrel. Take the machine gun approach, fire enough bullets and you’ll hit something. Don’t find reasons not to go on a date with a woman.
3. Lower your standards. Who cares if she has kids. You said it yourself that you wanted a child.
4. You never know when that special woman will walk into your life. It usually happens when you least expect it.
5. In order to find that special someone, it might require you to take several different women on dates. Do it.
6. Who cares if a girl is seeing someone? How committed is that relationship? I’m not saying you should go hit on married chicks, but disregard what bartender’s roommate said. Throw it out there to this girl that you are attracted to her, and at least you’ve planted that seed.
This is all excellent advice. You don't need to be instantly attracted to someone. I dated my hubby for 3.5 years before we married. We were young. But for probably 1.5 years of that I intended on breaking up with him at some point. I eventually realized I loved him and we were married for 36 years before he pass away. Another friend didn't want to go out with a specific guy. He liked her and kept bugging her to go out with him. She finally did. They've been married for 6 years and have a child.
You have an idea in your head of what you want. Put that aside. Just find people to hang out with. Go on dates from apps. Spend time talking to the woman sitting by herself or with just a friend or 2 in the bar. Volunteer at the food bank or wherever you fancy. Talk to people while you're there. Go to church. Most larger churches have singles classes and they have monthly activities. There are tons of people who met that way.
Give people a chance. Don't cross anyone off your list. Don't have a list. But to find someone, you have to be willing to be out there, talking, listening, etc. You don't have to be an extrovert or have a perfect body, or whatever it is you think someone is looking for. You have to be you and be willing to let people see who that is and be willing to learn who the various women really are.
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:58 pm to Mo Jeaux
quote:
A buddy of mine met a forty-year-old track coach that was a virgin
Probably just talking about among the school kids she coached
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:59 pm to CFLSaint
For a man, 38 is not that old. You’re overthinking a lot. If what you want is a family, get on a “serious” dating site like Eharmony. But consider this - what you see as “happy” families and happy people - you have no idea what their lives are really like. Looking happy is not being happy.
Posted on 11/14/21 at 2:59 pm to LaLadyinTx
quote:
we were married for 36 years before he pass away.
So you’re single?
May I introduce you to my mate CFLSaint?
Posted on 11/14/21 at 3:13 pm to deltaland
quote:
1. Ugly chick with good personality
2. Recently divorced chick with kids and baggage
3. Party skank that’s been run through and realizes her birthing years are almost gone and she wants a family
Probably a reasonable assessment. But when you're honest about who you are, some of those may be just who he is looking for. I think he's not honest about who he is and has this idea that he wanted to be with the OT8+ with a fun personality, a great career, and that they'd already have 2-3 kids. That chick isn't out there for you, guy.
Who are you? Figure it out? You don't sound like a "life of the party guy", so probably cross off #3. You'd probably got your own baggage, just different from someone divorced with kids. You'll both be dealing with baggage, just make sure it's some you can both carry. Also #1 isn't always an awful thing. Quite often, people change a lot with age and that 10 at age 25 is only a 5 at 50. Sometimes that awkward and clumsy 25 year old comes into her own through experience and career and as others go downhill, she's a 7.5 at 50. You just never know, so don't count them out. Remember, they are looking at you the same way!
Posted on 11/14/21 at 3:15 pm to UncleRuckus
quote:
Mail order an Asian woman. You’re welcome
Not as easy as it sounds. I know a dude that got scammed out of $10k trying that. Not only did he wire them $10k, he flew to some Far East airport to bring her back and was then ghosted.
That would suck. OP, be thankful you’re not THAT guy. That’s a true story.
Posted on 11/14/21 at 3:16 pm to Rick9Plus
quote:
serious” dating site like Eharmony.
Many of the same women on there are the same ones on Match, Bumble and tinder. There are no “serious” dating apps.
Posted on 11/14/21 at 3:22 pm to CFLSaint
One of the main issues is the obsession that every man look like a celebrity while the women are beautiful the way they are….plus the erosion of real life thanks to social media
Posted on 11/14/21 at 3:25 pm to CFLSaint
This is pretty much a sad version of How I Met Your Mother.
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