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re: How do you deal with a parent that is losing their mind?
Posted on 4/13/26 at 11:44 pm to WinnaSez
Posted on 4/13/26 at 11:44 pm to WinnaSez
This is good advice. Set up POA while he is still competent and protect his money by seeking council with an Elder law attorney and have a solid will in -place.
0
Posted on 4/14/26 at 6:51 am to Napoleon
quote:
And his brake tag is expired.
What the frick is a brake tag?
Posted on 4/14/26 at 7:18 am to Napoleon
That is dementia. It's sad. My FIL finally got bad enough we had to put him in a nursing home.
Posted on 4/14/26 at 7:20 am to Napoleon
Going through it with my Mother in law now. It's not an easy row to hoe.
Posted on 4/14/26 at 7:29 am to ItzMe1972
You just described Alzheimer's or another form of dementia
Going through it with mother as well
Going through it with mother as well
This post was edited on 4/14/26 at 7:30 am
Posted on 4/14/26 at 7:36 am to Napoleon
my man you have my most sincere apologies - my Dad got diagnosed with Dementia and Lewey Body. he made it about 12 years with both, but the declination was steady. towards the end he forgot who i was some days, other days he forgot who my mom was, who was taking care of him. some of what you are describing resonates for me, having dealt with it.
get him tested, but the main advice is patience. he is going to say things, he is going to do things, he is going to get irrationally angry - especially if you take the car away - we did. if he has weapons, get them out asap.
there are a lot of good resources out there that can help, if your dad is retire military, depending on what VA clinic you have, you can get some good help from them - the Birmingham VA was amazing to my dad - the Mobile one when he lived there sucked.
i wish you luck - a lot of is here has dealt with what your about to - use us as a sounding board man, we're here for you.
get him tested, but the main advice is patience. he is going to say things, he is going to do things, he is going to get irrationally angry - especially if you take the car away - we did. if he has weapons, get them out asap.
there are a lot of good resources out there that can help, if your dad is retire military, depending on what VA clinic you have, you can get some good help from them - the Birmingham VA was amazing to my dad - the Mobile one when he lived there sucked.
i wish you luck - a lot of is here has dealt with what your about to - use us as a sounding board man, we're here for you.
Posted on 4/14/26 at 7:45 am to Dirt Booger
The reason is because of the average life expectancy changes over the decades. Yes there were exceptions but the longer the average life expectancy, the more dementia. Body parts wear down.
If you had a heart attack and died in your 60's, your eventual dementia doesn't materialize.
"The Aging Connection: The risk of dementia increases significantly after age 65, doubling roughly every five years. For those over 85, the rate of dementia is about 30%"
If you had a heart attack and died in your 60's, your eventual dementia doesn't materialize.
"The Aging Connection: The risk of dementia increases significantly after age 65, doubling roughly every five years. For those over 85, the rate of dementia is about 30%"
This post was edited on 4/19/26 at 10:26 am
Posted on 4/14/26 at 8:21 am to Napoleon
Aren’t there some meds that are pretty helpful with dementia and Alzheimer’s ?
This post was edited on 4/14/26 at 8:22 am
Posted on 4/14/26 at 8:59 am to Napoleon
quote:
He pays every bill in person. He gets cash out the bank. He won't use debit or credit
Be thankful for that. Scammers would eat him alive with that credit card or checks. Ask me how I know........sigh
You can eventually set up automatic withdrawal from his bank account for bills when gets worse. Have his Social Security payments go to that bank and then you go to each individual place to fill out their forms for automatic withdrawal once you get power of attorney.
This post was edited on 4/14/26 at 9:05 am
Posted on 4/14/26 at 9:09 am to Napoleon
I don’t know you but I’ll pray for you.
It’s a tough path, no one way is the right way to deal with this. Thank god my dad started listening to my wife and she got him to calm down and do what we asked. You just have to experiment and try not to get upset/angry.
My dad would constantly shop for cars and want to drive although he would get lost and actually couldn’t find his car at the mall. I would disconnect the battery in his car and hide his keys and he would call me irate threatening to have me arrested.
It’s a tough path, no one way is the right way to deal with this. Thank god my dad started listening to my wife and she got him to calm down and do what we asked. You just have to experiment and try not to get upset/angry.
My dad would constantly shop for cars and want to drive although he would get lost and actually couldn’t find his car at the mall. I would disconnect the battery in his car and hide his keys and he would call me irate threatening to have me arrested.
Posted on 4/14/26 at 9:26 am to Napoleon
Unfortunately there isn't a lot that can be done until he reaches the point where the state intervenes - hopefully before someone gets hurt. The way we treat aging in this country is a disgrace.
My mother started slipping around 70. She has, more or less, been estranged from everyone in our family most of her life, with the exception of me and one of my sisters. When she lost her car in a parking lot and the police found her wandering around the state intervened and my wife and I offered to bring her into our home. She declined. Said she couldn't live with our then 4 year old daughter. Her choice, as hard as it was to do I accepted her decision and moved on. She has been in an a residential care facility every since. She is 85 now and my sister and I are the only people she recognizes on sight. She is not the same person she was at 70. She is a sweet, pleasant old woman now. She was the polar opposite of that prior to her decline. It is a tough situation to deal with. Good luck.
My mother started slipping around 70. She has, more or less, been estranged from everyone in our family most of her life, with the exception of me and one of my sisters. When she lost her car in a parking lot and the police found her wandering around the state intervened and my wife and I offered to bring her into our home. She declined. Said she couldn't live with our then 4 year old daughter. Her choice, as hard as it was to do I accepted her decision and moved on. She has been in an a residential care facility every since. She is 85 now and my sister and I are the only people she recognizes on sight. She is not the same person she was at 70. She is a sweet, pleasant old woman now. She was the polar opposite of that prior to her decline. It is a tough situation to deal with. Good luck.
Posted on 4/14/26 at 10:23 pm to SallysHuman
Who has legal and medical power of attorney? maybe have that conversation and suggest that you have his and he has yours.
Sometimes you won't even need that (in small towns) With my Mom, I was listed with all the places she'd pay bills monthly and the understanding was that she was failing (no dementia but her body wasn't doing well) and if a bill wasn't paid, they'd contact me by phone and I'd cover it by credit card/ I was an only child and my Father had died six months earlier and I lived in Texas. a far piece from home in Virginia.
A friend found that his stepmother who had been hitting him up for money because she was so poor....well, she was sending money every month to anyone who asked for it, and they did, every month.
Sometimes you won't even need that (in small towns) With my Mom, I was listed with all the places she'd pay bills monthly and the understanding was that she was failing (no dementia but her body wasn't doing well) and if a bill wasn't paid, they'd contact me by phone and I'd cover it by credit card/ I was an only child and my Father had died six months earlier and I lived in Texas. a far piece from home in Virginia.
A friend found that his stepmother who had been hitting him up for money because she was so poor....well, she was sending money every month to anyone who asked for it, and they did, every month.
Posted on 4/14/26 at 11:28 pm to Napoleon
The only way to proceed…Memory Care Facility
Posted on 4/15/26 at 12:01 am to Shamoan
quote:
My dad is 84 and was diagnosed with Lewy body dementia two years ago. It started out with him having hallucinations of dogs running through the house, then a consistent delusion of
workmen trying to tear down or reposes the house, now it’s disfigured children that he sees, and just last Sunday, a delusion of children engaging in depraved sexual acts…he is a good man disturbed by what he is seeing and doesn’t seem to know what is real. Tomorrow morning mom and I are taking him to a nursing home. He knows it and he knows who we are, but he physically can’t do for himself. It’s been tough.
My mother would see a face in a bouquet of flowers. She thought the people on TV were talking to her. She saw children too. From my reading it's one of the more common hallucinations. She would sound so matter of fact and reasonable that you'd almost start believing her.
OP, I don't have any good advice except you can't use logic. Their reality is where they are and you have to meet them there. It's okay to use deception. Your goal is to keep them safe. Google "therapeutic lying."
Posted on 4/15/26 at 7:12 am to Napoleon
My father is 92 years old. He had a stroke. His body is fine but his memory is now shite. He is not only forgetful but he has turned into an absolute arsehole.
My mother is 85. She has moderate dementia. She is as sweet and as quiet as she has ever been.
They both did not want to have testing. My mother was terrified of an Alzheimer’s diagnosis (her mother had it). My father just didn’t realize there was a problem. He was unaware of how forgetful he had become.
I called their doctors and told them what was going on. They arranged the testing for my parents. We got them to their “annual checkups and follow up” appointments which were actually testing for multiple issues, including dementia and/or Alzheimer’s.
What did we (children) do? We took turns taking them for their “annual checkups” and follow ups.
My parents did not want to do these “annual checkups and follow ups”. So, we told them that Medicare now requires these things and if they fail to do these checkups they will cancel their Medicare. My parents then complied with no problem. Now it was a medical requirement for everyone and not us telling them there is something wrong with them. We changed the narrative and that shifted their mindset.
The doctors gave us the results. Based on those results we were able to obtain guidance how to address specific issues. Example:
We children take turns staying with them on a weekly basis.
We fix their meds in advance and give we give them to them on schedule and watch them take them (we found many of my fathers meds on the floor under his chair and that’s how we realized we had to watch. He was missing his mouth and dropping them).
Instead of allowing my father to drive, it’s “hey dad, want to ride to the store with me”?
We have a home health nurse coming once a week to check on them. They believe it’s a “courtesy” ther doctor provides.
It’s a lot. It’s life changing.
I also suggest, if not done already, you have a conversation with an attorney to find out what’s necessary to obtain a financial power of attorney and medical power of attorney.
The financial POA will permit you access to bank accounts. You will be able to pay their bills for them and be sure they aren’t being scammed in some way.
The medical will allow you to make (or help make) decisions for them they are not equipped mentally to make and give you full access to all their healthcare records.
The super “fun” part about this component is you either have to talk your parents into agreeing to giving you or someone the POAs or you will have to take them to court and get a judge to declare them incompetent.
Lucky for us, after everything, our parents had no problem with us stepping in and gave two of us POAs.
Good luck. It’s brutal, painful, and devastating for all parties involved.
My mother is 85. She has moderate dementia. She is as sweet and as quiet as she has ever been.
They both did not want to have testing. My mother was terrified of an Alzheimer’s diagnosis (her mother had it). My father just didn’t realize there was a problem. He was unaware of how forgetful he had become.
I called their doctors and told them what was going on. They arranged the testing for my parents. We got them to their “annual checkups and follow up” appointments which were actually testing for multiple issues, including dementia and/or Alzheimer’s.
What did we (children) do? We took turns taking them for their “annual checkups” and follow ups.
My parents did not want to do these “annual checkups and follow ups”. So, we told them that Medicare now requires these things and if they fail to do these checkups they will cancel their Medicare. My parents then complied with no problem. Now it was a medical requirement for everyone and not us telling them there is something wrong with them. We changed the narrative and that shifted their mindset.
The doctors gave us the results. Based on those results we were able to obtain guidance how to address specific issues. Example:
We children take turns staying with them on a weekly basis.
We fix their meds in advance and give we give them to them on schedule and watch them take them (we found many of my fathers meds on the floor under his chair and that’s how we realized we had to watch. He was missing his mouth and dropping them).
Instead of allowing my father to drive, it’s “hey dad, want to ride to the store with me”?
We have a home health nurse coming once a week to check on them. They believe it’s a “courtesy” ther doctor provides.
It’s a lot. It’s life changing.
I also suggest, if not done already, you have a conversation with an attorney to find out what’s necessary to obtain a financial power of attorney and medical power of attorney.
The financial POA will permit you access to bank accounts. You will be able to pay their bills for them and be sure they aren’t being scammed in some way.
The medical will allow you to make (or help make) decisions for them they are not equipped mentally to make and give you full access to all their healthcare records.
The super “fun” part about this component is you either have to talk your parents into agreeing to giving you or someone the POAs or you will have to take them to court and get a judge to declare them incompetent.
Lucky for us, after everything, our parents had no problem with us stepping in and gave two of us POAs.
Good luck. It’s brutal, painful, and devastating for all parties involved.
Posted on 4/17/26 at 9:41 am to Jim Rockford
Damn some of these descriptions bring back memories. My dad thought Elon Musk and the people on TV were talking to him though the electrical outlets.
He also used to crank the tv up so loud (hearing issues) that things would fall off the wall. His surround speaker fell from its mount and shattered, he thought that was someone with a rifle shooting at him. Picture an 80 year old man army crawling through his house avoiding snipers.
He also used to crank the tv up so loud (hearing issues) that things would fall off the wall. His surround speaker fell from its mount and shattered, he thought that was someone with a rifle shooting at him. Picture an 80 year old man army crawling through his house avoiding snipers.
Posted on 4/17/26 at 10:53 am to Napoleon
My father never got angry, but when he turned 88, his mind did slip a bit. I discovered he was being scammed for money by this lady in Connecticut.
I started watching his mail closer and put a stop to that.
He was scammed out of $500 by someone else, told me a couple months later that he was too embarrassed to tell me. I told him, working with the Postal Service, we see these scams frequently and the scammers are good at what they do.
We got past that and had no other issues, then it was just him forgetting things and not being able to have specific answers about questions I would ask.
I had him move in with me, into the last house he built so he could be in his bedroom and living area that he was used to.
All you can do is love them and help them the best you can, and I always tried to be patient as he was the same raising me.
I started watching his mail closer and put a stop to that.
He was scammed out of $500 by someone else, told me a couple months later that he was too embarrassed to tell me. I told him, working with the Postal Service, we see these scams frequently and the scammers are good at what they do.
We got past that and had no other issues, then it was just him forgetting things and not being able to have specific answers about questions I would ask.
I had him move in with me, into the last house he built so he could be in his bedroom and living area that he was used to.
All you can do is love them and help them the best you can, and I always tried to be patient as he was the same raising me.
Posted on 4/17/26 at 12:36 pm to Napoleon
My MIL moved in with us last year. She hasn’t driven in a year but keeps bugging us to get her car maintenance done so she can drive. She was a terrible driver before she moved in with us and would be a danger to herself and others if she drove. She has lost her cognitive abilities. Fortunately her out of state DL expired more than a year ago so in Alabama she will have to take the written and driving test. It would be a miracle if she passed one. There is no way she will pass both. It has helped that an expired DL is not a valid ID and she had no idea where her birth certificate or SS card was. We humored her and applied for both, taking as much time as possible, knowing the delay would ensure her DL was expired beyond a year.
Posted on 4/17/26 at 1:26 pm to Dirt Booger
quote:
I’d be curious if your ole man started sucking in cracklings, gnawing steak fat, and eating bacon and eggs more if it would help regenerate the parts of the brain that have deteriorated
My Grandfather has ate this way his entire life and still does and drinks half a gallon of whole milk a day. He's 89 and not a thing wrong with him both mentally or physically. He still bow hunts every year too.
Posted on 4/17/26 at 1:33 pm to Napoleon
quote:
At this rate I'll be changing diapers In three years.
I feel your pain. Just remember, one day he won't be here.
That man put you on this earth. Never forget that.
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