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re: Golf Jokes
Posted on 8/2/20 at 8:26 pm to Swamp Angel
Posted on 8/2/20 at 8:26 pm to Swamp Angel
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly, a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag, looks at her and says, “I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.”
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, “Hey, where’s your ball?”
“It’s over here in the pussy willows.”
The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”
Suddenly, a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag, looks at her and says, “I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.”
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, “Hey, where’s your ball?”
“It’s over here in the pussy willows.”
The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”
0
Posted on 8/2/20 at 8:47 pm to tigerfoot
It's the night before John's wedding, and his best man, George, suggests to him that they get one last round of golf in before he ties the knot. So, the next morning they wake up and go play golf.
It's time for the wedding, and all the guests begin to arrive, but there's no sign of John and George. More time goes by, and guests start to leave. Another hour goes by, and the bride is left all alone on the steps of the church when John finally arrives.
He sees the disappointment on his bride's face, and says, "I can explain. George and I went to play golf this morning, and he hit his first shot, then collapsed from a heart attack!"
The bride looks at John, and says, "Oh I'm so sorry, I thought my day was bad, but you had a much worse day than I did."
John replies, "Tell me about it, all day it was hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George."
It's time for the wedding, and all the guests begin to arrive, but there's no sign of John and George. More time goes by, and guests start to leave. Another hour goes by, and the bride is left all alone on the steps of the church when John finally arrives.
He sees the disappointment on his bride's face, and says, "I can explain. George and I went to play golf this morning, and he hit his first shot, then collapsed from a heart attack!"
The bride looks at John, and says, "Oh I'm so sorry, I thought my day was bad, but you had a much worse day than I did."
John replies, "Tell me about it, all day it was hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George."
Posted on 8/2/20 at 9:48 pm to Swamp Angel
True story. Lee Trevino was struck by lightning while playing golf and hospitalized for 2 days. Later, in an interview, he was asked what he would do if he was on the course and a storm came through. He said "I would take out a 1 iron and hold it up to the sky because even God can't hit a 1 iron."
Posted on 8/2/20 at 10:15 pm to ScoobyDont
"Marie" says Boudreaux late one night "if I die would you get married again" "Mas ya I guess" says Marie, "would you make love to him in our bed" ask Boudreaux, "I guess so because he would now be my husband" replied Marie.
Boudreaux ask "would you give your new husband my high-dollar golf clubs. Marie says "ma no absolutely not, I would never give him your high dollar golf clubs."
Boudreaux says "I glad to hear this but why not"
Marie says "He's left-handed"
Boudreaux ask "would you give your new husband my high-dollar golf clubs. Marie says "ma no absolutely not, I would never give him your high dollar golf clubs."
Boudreaux says "I glad to hear this but why not"
Marie says "He's left-handed"
Posted on 8/2/20 at 10:29 pm to ScoobyDont
Another true Lee Trevino story...sometime after he turned pro and made a little bit of money, he bought a new house in a neighborhood that was a step up. He was outside cutting the grass one day, when a lady drove by, rolled down her window and asked, "How much do you charge for lawn service." Lee Trevino responded, "I don't charge anything, but the lady inside lets me sleep with her!"
Posted on 8/2/20 at 10:30 pm to medtiger
I hit two good balls today. I stepped on a rake in a sand trap. 
Posted on 8/2/20 at 11:51 pm to Swamp Angel
A man comes home from playing a round of golf and immediately punches his wife in the face. His wife says “What the hell was that for?” And the man says “Well, I’ve been hitting everything else fat today.”
Posted on 8/3/20 at 1:32 am to Swamp Angel
Not a joke but a true story.
My grandpa took his first golf lesson when he was 75. The instructor said “I have bad news. You’re not gonna live long enough to fix all the shite wrong with your swing”
My grandpa took his first golf lesson when he was 75. The instructor said “I have bad news. You’re not gonna live long enough to fix all the shite wrong with your swing”
Posted on 8/3/20 at 2:41 am to Swamp Angel
Sammy golfing with his wife. Duck hooks his drive into the woods. Only way toward the green is to hit it thru a maintenance building - rollup doors open at both ends. Tries to punch a low 4-iron thru the open doors, but hits a beam and the ball flies straight back and hits his wife between the eyes. She later falls into a coma and dies.
Couple years later, his golf cart buddy hits the same duck hook to the same place. Pulls out a 4-iron. Sammy says, 'NO, don't try that!'. Buddy says, 'Why?'. Sammy says, 'I tried that shot a couple years ago and wound up taking a quadruple bogey'
Couple years later, his golf cart buddy hits the same duck hook to the same place. Pulls out a 4-iron. Sammy says, 'NO, don't try that!'. Buddy says, 'Why?'. Sammy says, 'I tried that shot a couple years ago and wound up taking a quadruple bogey'
This post was edited on 8/3/20 at 2:45 am
Posted on 8/3/20 at 4:00 am to danilo
quote:
Golf sucks
Posted on 8/3/20 at 4:28 am to Swamp Angel
Three guys were playing golf at the local country club and got paired up with a single female player. As you can imagine they were all pretty upset by this but they went on. The female was having a great round and the guys were having fun with their new playing partner. They all get up to 18 and the female wake up to her put. She tell the guys that if she makes this putt, it will be her best round ever and she will give them all a blowjob. So the first get steps up and say “it looks like the ball is going a little left, hit it here and softly”. The 2nd guy gets up and say “to me it looks like it going to break a little right”. The third guy gets up and say “looks like it’s a gimme”
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