- My Forums
- Tiger Rant
- LSU Recruiting
- SEC Rant
- Saints Talk
- Pelicans Talk
- More Sports Board
- Fantasy Sports
- Golf Board
- Soccer Board
- O-T Lounge
- Tech Board
- Home/Garden Board
- Outdoor Board
- Health/Fitness Board
- Movie/TV Board
- Book Board
- Music Board
- Political Talk
- Money Talk
- Fark Board
- Gaming Board
- Travel Board
- Food/Drink Board
- Ticket Exchange
- TD Help Board
Customize My Forums- View All Forums
- Show Left Links
- Topic Sort Options
- Trending Topics
- Recent Topics
- Active Topics
Started By
Message
Golf Jokes
Posted on 8/2/20 at 6:12 pm
Posted on 8/2/20 at 6:12 pm
Alright, here's the first one, straight from our fishing group's chaplain. Please add your own to the thread.
Jack goes into the club house bar after a particularly rough 9 holes of golf. He was barely able to speak, as he held his throat and whispered, "Beer, Hurry!"
The beer-tender uncapped Jack's favorite and poured it in a chilled glass, then asked, "What happened to you?"
Jack said, barely audible, "I got hit in the throat with a 9 iron."
"How did THAT happen?"
Jack went on, speech coming a little easier. "Bill and I were playing the back nine. I was having one of my worst days, coming in 6 over after 8 holes. Well, I hit my tee shot on nine into that little grove of woods next to that farmer's pasture. Well, when I went to hunt my ball, I noticed a woman looking for her ball in the same little patch of woods. We spoke, and I kept looking for my ball. After a few minutes, I found a ball, and it was smack in the middle of an old cow's hind end. I looked at it closely to see if it was mine. Well I'm hitting a Titleist, and this ball was a Callaway. So naturally I assumed it belonged to the woman. I called to her, held the cow's tail up and shouted, 'Hey Lady, this looks like yours!' And that's when I got hit in the throat with a nine iron."
Jack goes into the club house bar after a particularly rough 9 holes of golf. He was barely able to speak, as he held his throat and whispered, "Beer, Hurry!"
The beer-tender uncapped Jack's favorite and poured it in a chilled glass, then asked, "What happened to you?"
Jack said, barely audible, "I got hit in the throat with a 9 iron."
"How did THAT happen?"
Jack went on, speech coming a little easier. "Bill and I were playing the back nine. I was having one of my worst days, coming in 6 over after 8 holes. Well, I hit my tee shot on nine into that little grove of woods next to that farmer's pasture. Well, when I went to hunt my ball, I noticed a woman looking for her ball in the same little patch of woods. We spoke, and I kept looking for my ball. After a few minutes, I found a ball, and it was smack in the middle of an old cow's hind end. I looked at it closely to see if it was mine. Well I'm hitting a Titleist, and this ball was a Callaway. So naturally I assumed it belonged to the woman. I called to her, held the cow's tail up and shouted, 'Hey Lady, this looks like yours!' And that's when I got hit in the throat with a nine iron."
21
Posted on 8/2/20 at 6:15 pm to Swamp Angel
That's awful
Posted on 8/2/20 at 6:19 pm to Swamp Angel
Why in the frick does your fishing group have a chaplain?
Posted on 8/2/20 at 6:23 pm to AbitaFan08
What does masturbation and 4 putting have in common?
Even though you’re a little ashamed of what you have done, you know you will do it again.
Even though you’re a little ashamed of what you have done, you know you will do it again.
Posted on 8/2/20 at 6:24 pm to Allthatfades
A lady is setting off to have a round of golf after a series of lessons with the club pro. 15 minutes after leaving the clubhouse, she returns looking a little flustered and upset.
“What’s wrong” says the golf pro realizing she’d only been gone a short time. “I’ve been stung be a bee” she said.
“Where did it sting you” asked the pro. The lady replied “Between the first and second hole”
“Ah”, said the golf pro as he nods. “Your stance is far too wide.”
Posted on 8/2/20 at 6:26 pm to Swamp Angel
I like mashed potatoes
Posted on 8/2/20 at 6:26 pm to Swamp Angel
Your shitty joke really teed me off.
Your Mom something something third hole.
Your Mom something something third hole.
Posted on 8/2/20 at 6:53 pm to Swamp Angel
So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long, into a ten-thousand-foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-lagunga.
So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Dalai Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.
So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Dalai Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.
Posted on 8/2/20 at 6:55 pm to BogeyTX
What’s the two worst things about golf?
Women and the mother fricker who brings them
Women and the mother fricker who brings them
Posted on 8/2/20 at 7:01 pm to Swamp Angel
That’s a terrible joke.
Four old men putting out on 18 when a funeral procession passes. One fella turns takes his hat off and bows his head as it passes. Anothe in the group says “that was damn nice if you”. The golfer says “least I could do, we were married 48 years”
Four old men putting out on 18 when a funeral procession passes. One fella turns takes his hat off and bows his head as it passes. Anothe in the group says “that was damn nice if you”. The golfer says “least I could do, we were married 48 years”
Posted on 8/2/20 at 7:08 pm to Swamp Angel
An Inspirational Story
Recently I was asked to play in a local golf tournament.
At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'
Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'
Then I thought...
"shite, I could win this!"
* * * *
Bob was the worst golfer at the country club; nobody would play with him. One Sunday his wife agreed to play. He was hitting off the first tee and his wife standing off to the side. As usual Bob swung hard but hit the ball off the toe of his driver. The ball hit a nearby tree and bounced back hitting his wife between the eyes knocking her out.
At the hospital the doctor assured Bob his wife would be okay, saying, "It's a minor concussion. A day or so of bed rest and she'll be okay. But, we found another problem. While we were examining her we found a golf ball up her arse."
Bob replied, "Oh that, while we were waiting for the EMTs to arrive I went ahead and hit my mulligan."
Recently I was asked to play in a local golf tournament.
At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'
Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'
Then I thought...
"shite, I could win this!"
* * * *
Bob was the worst golfer at the country club; nobody would play with him. One Sunday his wife agreed to play. He was hitting off the first tee and his wife standing off to the side. As usual Bob swung hard but hit the ball off the toe of his driver. The ball hit a nearby tree and bounced back hitting his wife between the eyes knocking her out.
At the hospital the doctor assured Bob his wife would be okay, saying, "It's a minor concussion. A day or so of bed rest and she'll be okay. But, we found another problem. While we were examining her we found a golf ball up her arse."
Bob replied, "Oh that, while we were waiting for the EMTs to arrive I went ahead and hit my mulligan."
Posted on 8/2/20 at 7:12 pm to blueridgeTiger
The first one had me lol
Posted on 8/2/20 at 7:18 pm to Swamp Angel
quote:
Golf Jokes
ole man on a par 5
Posted on 8/2/20 at 7:36 pm to Winston Cup
Why do they call golf golf?
'Cause frick was already taken.
'Cause frick was already taken.
Posted on 8/2/20 at 7:44 pm to Swamp Angel
A man is playing by himself at Royal County Down. As he's about to hit his tee shot on 17, he feels something pulling on his pant leg. He looks down and it's a leprechaun. The leprechaun says, "Would you like to hit your tee shot over the dunes, onto the green and into the hole for a hole in one?" The man eagerly says yes. Leprechaun says, "Done, and you'll become the best player in all of Ireland. But the price you pay is impotence. Still interested?" The man agrees and the leprechaun says, "Done."
A year later, the man is back at RCD and is on the 17th hole. As he's about to tee off, he feels a familiar tug on his pant leg. Sure enough, it's the leprechaun. Leprechaun says, "Well, here it is, a year later, and you've won every trophy there is to win in Ireland. But tell me, has it been difficult being impotent?"
The man replies, "As the parish priest in Kilkenny, it's not been much of a hardship."
A year later, the man is back at RCD and is on the 17th hole. As he's about to tee off, he feels a familiar tug on his pant leg. Sure enough, it's the leprechaun. Leprechaun says, "Well, here it is, a year later, and you've won every trophy there is to win in Ireland. But tell me, has it been difficult being impotent?"
The man replies, "As the parish priest in Kilkenny, it's not been much of a hardship."
Posted on 8/2/20 at 7:48 pm to Swamp Angel
I had a joke, but it wasn’t up to par. Still rough.
Posted on 8/2/20 at 7:49 pm to Swamp Angel
A man watched a funeral possession with two hearses, and a long line, of men following. He went up to the first man, asked “ why are these men following you and two hearses ? One is my wife the other my mother in law, I hit both in the head playing golf, and killed them.
The man said “ can I come play with you and bring my wife an mother in law?” The man answered, “ sure get in line”
Posted on 8/2/20 at 7:51 pm to Swamp Angel
Jesus and Moses are playing a round and approach a long par 3 over water. Moses has the box and says to Jesus “I’ve seen Arnold Palmer reach the green with a 5 iron, so I bet I can do it as well.” So Moses gives it a go with the 5 iron, but leaves it short and in the pond. Moses then proceeds to part the waters and go retrieve his ball. While still waiting to tee off, the group behind them approaches Jesus on the tee box. One man exclaims “holy crap who does this guy think he is?? Moses?” Jesus calmly responds, “no, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.”
Posted on 8/2/20 at 8:14 pm to Swamp Angel
OP, thank you for starting this thread. It brought forth some pretty funny golf jokes, which I enjoyed reading. Your joke, however, was terrible.
Posted on 8/2/20 at 8:14 pm to Swamp Angel
Jake was playing with his regular foursome when he needed to pee. He went behind a bush to relieve himself - as he was peeing, a snake struck and bit him on the penis. He had enough presence of mind to note the markings on the snake.
He returned to his foursome and urgently told his baws what happened. He described the snake and all agreed it was poisonous.
Bob,one of the group called a doctor they knew. The doctor advised: "Use a sharp knife and make a small cut over the bite marks, and then suck the poison from that area."
"Doctor, he was bit on the penis; we can't suck him there."
The doctor exclaimed, "If you don't do that, your friend is going to die!"
Bob turned around and looked at Jake.
Jake asked, "What did the doctor say?"
"The doctor said you're going to die."
He returned to his foursome and urgently told his baws what happened. He described the snake and all agreed it was poisonous.
Bob,one of the group called a doctor they knew. The doctor advised: "Use a sharp knife and make a small cut over the bite marks, and then suck the poison from that area."
"Doctor, he was bit on the penis; we can't suck him there."
The doctor exclaimed, "If you don't do that, your friend is going to die!"
Bob turned around and looked at Jake.
Jake asked, "What did the doctor say?"
"The doctor said you're going to die."
Page 1 of 2
Popular
Back to top
Follow TigerDroppings for LSU Football News