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re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:54 am to cas4t
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:54 am to cas4t
quote:
And I’m of the side that if they never told him, and didn’t want to now, it’s for good reason. They likely understood it would not go over well. Maybe he was already battling demons. Depression, addiction, rocky marriage, etc...this News could have sent things into a spiral. Only they really understand that because they are there.
All of which would be pieces of information to pass onto the biological mother. The OP sounds somewhat neutral on the matter, I think he'd have included if the adopted parents gave good reasons as to why they refused to tell their son/allow them to contact him.
2
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:55 am to Azkiger
(no message)
This post was edited on 6/8/20 at 6:14 pm
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:56 am to Bistineaubengal
Is it the biological mothers right to tell them or his adoptive parents?
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:57 am to HubbaBubba
Her son knows. With faith, she may come to that knowledge and it would comfort her.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:57 am to Azkiger
You seem to be operating under the impression that the biological mother deserves anything in all of this. They don’t have to relay any message to her, in any capacity, ever.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:59 am to Sentrius
quote:Thanks.
The OP is one of the most solid people I know on this site and has no malice in his heart and his wife is likely the same as well if he's any indication
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:00 am to Azkiger
quote:
f the adopted parents gave good reasons as to why they refused to tell their son/allow them to contact him.
What the frick? The only reason they needed is that it’s their son, and they didn’t want to permit it.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:00 am to CaptainsWafer
quote:
Is it the biological mothers right to tell them or his adoptive parents?
It is the adoptive parents duty to tell their child.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:01 am to cas4t
quote:
You seem to be operating under the impression that the biological mother deserves anything in all of this. They don’t have to relay any message to her, in any capacity, ever.
You seem to be grasping at straws, my stance from the get go has never had anything to do with the biological mother and has always been focused on what the adopted son, as an adult, would very likely want to know.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:02 am to Azkiger
quote:
he at least deserves to know considering his age.
No, no & just no! This means giving the birth mother rights that she gave up by allowing her to potentially come in to their lives. She forfeited that right and can't just regret it later. It is entirely up to the parents who raised the child whether or not to tell their child. You do know that there are closed v. open adoptions? Some adoptive parents want the birth parents to be part of the child's life and make that decision. Other families want the strings cut completely. Neither is right or wrong.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:03 am to Mo Jeaux
quote:
What the frick? The only reason they needed is that it’s their son, and they didn’t want to permit it.
It's a selfish reason that doesn't take into account what their son might want to know.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:03 am to Bistineaubengal
Why is it their duty? I could not disagree more. Again, if they knew it would cause damage then I would argue they should not tell him. I can’t imagine how hard it is telling your son after nearly 30 years of raising him that you’re essentially not his real parent. That’s a deterrent to adopt in and of itself in my opinion.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:04 am to Bistineaubengal
So what happens if they chose not to, like in the OPs case. Does that give the bio mother any right to tell him (or his kids)?
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:04 am to liz18lsu
quote:
No, no & just no! This means giving the birth mother rights that she gave up by allowing her to potentially come in to their lives.
Telling their son doesn't magically give the biological mother any rights. It's still up to the son.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:05 am to Azkiger
Again, and you seem to keep skipping over this point, they know better than anyone how he might react. I’m giving the parents who raised the son for nearly 30 years the benefit of the doubt in this case.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:06 am to Azkiger
How can it be up to him if he doesn't know he's adopted
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:07 am to Azkiger
You have no way to know that he would want to know. That’s simply an opinion that you continue to tout as fact. Again, I think plenty of folks would rather continue their normal life as opposed to have that bombshell dropped on them. We just have a fundamental disagreement here.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:08 am to Azkiger
quote:
Telling their son doesn't magically give the biological mother any rights. It's still up to the son.
Knowledge isn't always power. I mistakenly found out my dad wasn't my real father. And everyone was pissed at my parents for not telling me, but I wasn't and I would have been fine with never knowing my mom had an affair with a married man and got knocked up at 19. That information didn't do anything for me and I would NEVER betray the man who raised me by "searching" for a stranger.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:08 am to VermilionTiger
quote:
VermilionTiger
quote:Hey, same here. You and your family , too. Had an awesome time with you guys at the A&M game.
Sorry to read this, Bub. You have an amazing family and I’m sure he would have loved to know you all.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:09 am to Azkiger
And you have said multiple times that the adoptive parents should have relayed relevant info to the mom. That has nothing to do with the son, and everything to do with the mom.
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