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re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:36 am to islandtiger
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:36 am to islandtiger
Not everyone who gives their child up for adoption does so under the impression they will show up 30 years later in their life. Clearly she didn’t stay in touch with them. This situation doesn’t sound the same as yours.
1
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:37 am to bconne1
quote:
Why? The OT asks for pics all the time. It’s kind of a thing, honey.
Yeah, I have been here for a long time, but "sport fricking" in this thread was completely inappropriate, HONEY. GFY you miserable POS.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:37 am to HubbaBubba
Your wife has no idea what the adoptive parents told their son.
Maybe he knew he was adopted and maybe he didn't. Either way, its not your wife's concern.
Also, maybe the young man died from drug abuse or alcohol or had mental illness. There's no way to know but your wife might be for a world of hurt by putting the blame on her.
Now the real question is as others said...who is the child's bio father?
Your wife needs to resolve that relationship more than with an adoptive family that clearly wants nothing to do with her.
You should do what is best for your own family and maybe talk with your children about their mom giving a child up for adoption so they understand her sorrow but you should absolutely shut down all conversations about her making contact with a stranger's family.
Maybe he knew he was adopted and maybe he didn't. Either way, its not your wife's concern.
Also, maybe the young man died from drug abuse or alcohol or had mental illness. There's no way to know but your wife might be for a world of hurt by putting the blame on her.
Now the real question is as others said...who is the child's bio father?
Your wife needs to resolve that relationship more than with an adoptive family that clearly wants nothing to do with her.
You should do what is best for your own family and maybe talk with your children about their mom giving a child up for adoption so they understand her sorrow but you should absolutely shut down all conversations about her making contact with a stranger's family.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:37 am to cas4t
quote:
saying the parents in this particular case would know better than you or I
Yes, but not better than the child. Again, keeping that information from the child is incredibly selfish.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:38 am to islandtiger
quote:
No, she did what she thought was best for her child,
And his parents, assuming they never told him he was adopted (big assumption), also did what they thought was best for their child.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:38 am to mahdragonz
Sounds like OP and his wife should find a good counselor/therapist and put this all behind them.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:40 am to islandtiger
OP even said she didn’t want to interfere with his childhood. It seems everyone involved understood that they weren’t going to tell the child.
What’s selfish is waiting 27 years to reach out to the biological parents IMO.
Also, can’t you hash these things out before? As in decide your adoptee’s based on predetermined parameters such as telling the child they are adopted, allowing visits, etc?
What’s selfish is waiting 27 years to reach out to the biological parents IMO.
Also, can’t you hash these things out before? As in decide your adoptee’s based on predetermined parameters such as telling the child they are adopted, allowing visits, etc?
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:40 am to islandtiger
quote:
Again, keeping that information from the child is incredibly selfish.
Not always. Some bio mothers want to walk away. So, you tell your child about a woman that had to give them up for whatever reason, they track her down and she rejects them. Happy, right? But I am sure the child is better off for knowing!
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:40 am to Azkiger
quote:
No, I'm saying if any of the reasons you've provided are legit (addiction problems, wouldn't want to know, etc.) it seems more likely than not they would have included those as reasons to try and convince the biological mother to stay away.
Instead they completely ignored her and told her to stay out of their lives.
You are writing this like your wife is a saint.
Maybe the wife came across as unhinged or vindictive or maybe this isn't even close to what happened.
If you are giving your wife unprescribed sedatives, maybe your own house isn't in order.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:41 am to islandtiger
quote:
She signed up for potential lifetime of regret.
quote:
Wow. No, she did what she thought was best for her child,
Both of these things can be true.
This is my opinion, if I were adopted (and I guess I could be I don't know) I wouldn't really care a out my birth "parents." The people that raise you are your parents. They're the ones that sacrifice to do what's best for you. I would have nothing against my birth parents and wouldn't hold any animous towards them, but they didn't raise me.
In this situation, I don't think anything good will come from the wife contacting anyone connected with the deceased. Parents, a wife, and children just buried their son. It will be hard for the OP's wife I'm sure, but thats what you have to live with when you put a child up for adoption. I understand her grief, but life doesn't always proceed how you want it to.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:42 am to islandtiger
quote:
Again, keeping that information from the child is incredibly selfish.
Not really. How well do the adoptive parents know the real mom?
Many times these things backfire.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:43 am to Bustedsack
If the children need to know medical history, bio mom can send it to the adoptive parents. I once helped a group of bio mom's that we're looking for their adoptive child until I realized what a selfish
group they were. Someone else spent the time, love and money to raise your child. You have no right to inject yourself in their life unless they invite you in.
group they were. Someone else spent the time, love and money to raise your child. You have no right to inject yourself in their life unless they invite you in.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:44 am to islandtiger
quote:
Again, keeping that information from the child is incredibly selfish.
You can't honestly believe that. They took in an infant and raised them as their own for 18 years. That infant became their child. It's their decision whether or not they wanted to tell their child that they were adopted. There's nothing selfish about not telling their child that they raised.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:44 am to islandtiger
quote:
Again, keeping that information from the child is incredibly selfish.
Just because you chose to tell your adoptive child she was adopted, doesn’t mean every adopted parents should follow suit.
As much as I respect your decision to raise your child the way you see fit, the parents in the case wishes should also be respected. They know/knew their child better then you do.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:45 am to liz18lsu
If I ever adopt a child, I could see myself not telling the child. Why bring in that whole avenue of doubt and regret and potential self-hatred into the child's life. Let the kid know that they are wanted and loved and part of a good family.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:45 am to islandtiger
quote:
Again, keeping that information from the child is incredibly selfish.
It's a Jump to conclusions mat.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:47 am to chinhoyang
Again, can’t you decide these things early on? Such as only giving your child up to someone who will agree to your parameters?
OPs wife didn’t try to reach out for a very long time. She also hoped the CHILD would reach out to her later in life. Not the other way around. That tells me she wanted to walk away from this early on, and was fine with the child not knowing.
It sounds like everyone was on the same page until fairly recently. Unfortunately injecting yourself into someone’s life 27 years later is generally just not a good idea, IMO. I feel bad for her, but you have to sleep in the bed you make.
OPs wife didn’t try to reach out for a very long time. She also hoped the CHILD would reach out to her later in life. Not the other way around. That tells me she wanted to walk away from this early on, and was fine with the child not knowing.
It sounds like everyone was on the same page until fairly recently. Unfortunately injecting yourself into someone’s life 27 years later is generally just not a good idea, IMO. I feel bad for her, but you have to sleep in the bed you make.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:50 am to liz18lsu
If the guy would have PIIHB we wouldn’t even be having this discussion.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:52 am to HubbaBubba
That sucks but it is selfish of your wife to feel anger towards adoptive parents. This notion that biological parents have a right to a child’s life after all the hard work, is bullshite. It sucks that your wife made some bad decisions and now feels anger towards people who provided her child a life she never could have...... the man’s real parents had to lay him to rest and will continue providing a stable life for his wife and children. Last thing they need is you and your wife creating more confusion.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:54 am to Mingo Was His NameO
quote:
wouldn't really care a out my birth "parents."
Yes you would. All adopted kids are curious about their birth parents. Most, like our daughter, have that curiosity addressed early and move on and live their life in a loving family environment with their adoptive parents.
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