re: Anyone Ever Been To A Wedding That Was A Complete Disaster?

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She sounds good looking. Is she still stripping?

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She was cute when she was younger, but the tattoos, smoking, drinking, and squeezing out Baby Hardy and Smart Forrest Gump have taken their toll. The boobs, though, are built by Dow Corning, so they've got a lot of miles left on them.

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I’m sure you gotta have some great stories of her in high school.

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I'm 17 years older than her, so I wasn't around. Plus, she did home school via a tutor. Since she'd already hosted a gangbang in my parent's house when she was 13, they sure as shite weren't going to allow her to ply her wares at Milton High School. That place has more bucks than a stag party and she's the kind of girl who wouldn't be satisfied until she sampled all the crayons.

But, there were plenty of weekends where my parents would call to say that she disappeared on a Friday afternoon and they didn't know where she was. They'd report it to the sheriff's department and then get a call a while later that they found her put out in front of the WalMart or the Family Dollar.

My dad decided that the real issue with her was that she didn't have transportation. He reasoned that if she had a car, she wouldn't be asking Turbo and Thunderleg for rides to the library and then disappearing all the time. He claims that the since the state of Florida sent in him a $400 check every month for taking her off their hands and he saved the money, that that's where the funds came from. That's always his excuse, though. He bought her a house with the money and two cars. Never ends.

Anyway, the car didn't work at as well as he thought. Now, she was going to Turbo and Thunderleg instead of slipping out the bedroom window and catching them at the end of the street. Dad thought he'd get smart and put a GPS tracking stick in the back window. It worked the first couple of times. She was trolling through all the finest WalMart and WinnDixie parking lots. Spent a lot of time in the Skyline neighborhood, which is where the kids came from when I worked at MLK Middle School (worst year of my life). We all called that neighborbood Crackdale.

She finally figured out that she was being tracked. Really, I don't know if she figured it out or one of the homeboys waiting their turn to "hit that" happened to notice the thing sitting in the back window. Either way, it ended up in a wooded area in Pea Ridge.

Later, she was so proud of her stripping career at Sammy's (my parent's watched Smart Forrest Gump while she showed her tittays for money) that she plastered a huge mudflap naked lady all across the back window of the car my dad bought her.



She kept that car all through the two husbands, four fiancees, and two semi-retarded kids before driving it kamikazee-style into an 18-wheeler outside the Stucky's in Bagdad.

A couple of years ago, I went with my then girlfriend to her friends wedding. I had no idea how trashy it would be. We arrived at the "Chapel" and I was immediately blown away. The inside of this place was possibly the ugliest venue anyone could choose to get married in. The ceiling had to have at least 80 chandeliers on it, none of which were the same color.

I looked the place up:

French Quarter Wedding Chapel

I began counting the chandeliers but was quickly distracted as all of the complete trash family and friends began showing up.

As the ceremony started, the groomsmen and bridesmaids came in holding their bud light and daquiri cups.

Me: (under my breath) What the frick!?

Girlfriend I would soon be dumping: Ha, isn't it fun?!

Me: Nope, just sad.

GIWSBD: (confused look)

It was then that I noticed there were only 2 men at this white trash fiesta that had bothered to show up wearing a suit. The groom and myself. I was getting a couple of sideways glances. I guess I was being viewed as the fancy uppity a-hole.

After the ceremony, everyone was outside the chapel waiting for the wedding party to finish taking photos.

Me: Do you want to head over to the reception? I need a drink.

Girlfriend I would soon be dumping: Oh we have to wait. We are all going to second line over there!!!!

Me: (with possibly the most deadpan face ever made) fricking awesome.

I spent most of the second line hoping that either no one I knew would see me or I would be mugged and killed. More than a couple people congratulated me on getting married. I was after all one of only 2 men in a suit and I guess they figured they had a 50/50 shot. I stopped correcting people about halfway there. The final destination was a house on Bourbon Street.

We arrive at the house that had been rented out for the reception and I quickly remark to the girlfriend how nice the beer pong table is that has been set up outside. I mostly stayed outside on the balcony but I did have to venture in the house on a few occasions. On one of these occasions, I was just walking through a room when a Nerf dart hit me in the side of the head. I turned to see where it came from and there was the bride, still in full gown, holding a Nerf gun. She yelled, "My bad!!" And turned and ran down a hallway chasing someone. I then noticed there were Nerf guns everywhere. They had actually planned a Nerf war for the reception.

I go back outside to watch more of the beer pong tournament. One of the groomsmen is openly peeing in the courtyard in front of the house. I look at girlfriend I would soon be dumping and tell her it is time to go.

Southern Baptist preacher at my wedding decided to turn the ceremony into a sermon. He said at the rehearsal that “this is the part where I will say a few words”. We thought 5 minutes tops. It was about 25 to 30. One of my groomsmen locked out his knees and passed out. My brother and another groomsmen walked him out. The preacher kept going.

I was in the groomsman’s wedding about a year later. The whole ceremony was less than 10 minutes.

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Obviously she’s compounded poor decisions, but you do realize she was probably molested prior to her adoption into your family.

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That's a definitive yes. They knew the entire story beforehand. She's as crazy as she wants to be, though, and manipulative as the day is long.

I know a guy who had a pretty unhappy childhood. His mother died young and his father was not easy to please and was kind of a dick to him. Not great, but certainly not as fricked up as many kids experience. He used his unhappy upbringing as the reason for every problem in his life.

At around age 27 or 28, after complaining about some incident that happened 15 or 20 years ago, I heard his father tell him, "Son, if you had a fricked up childhood, that's my fault and I'm sorry. But you're an adult now, and if you stay fricked up, that's YOUR fault."

I hope your sister someday gets her shite together and quits taking advantage of your father, although that sounds unlikely to happen.

Does your own wedding count ?

Went to a wedding tonight and my husband called me squirrel (because it is an irl nickname) and a cousin said "I knew that was you posting under that name on TD"

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an alcoholic felon with a penchant for threesomes

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So she likes to party.. What's the problem?

(no message)