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Message
re: Alcoholic family members
Posted on 7/12/16 at 1:02 pm to ThatsAFactJack
Posted on 7/12/16 at 1:02 pm to ThatsAFactJack
I'm glad your wife is alive and sober.
I don't find anything funny about this at all.
I don't find anything funny about this at all.
0
Posted on 7/12/16 at 1:06 pm to Jimbeaux
As much as alcoholism negatively affects everyone around that person, explaining to them about how they are affecting YOU isn't going to remedy anything.
It isn't about the alcohol. There's an underlying problem. It'd be like someone you know always being angry, and all you do is tell them how their anger is negatively affecting YOU. It's not the anger, it's the underlying problem that's causing them to be angry.
My dad was a binge drinker. Growing up, my mother, my two sisters and myself would all just get upset and angry that he wasn't seeing how it affected US. We would fight with him, yell at him, tell him all the negative things he was causing, etc...
It wasn't until I was much older that I realized there were underlying issues. He was hurting, he felt rejected by his family (we were bratty kids to him considering all he did for us, and our mother wasn't exactly understanding of him either). Top all of that with major depression (Vietnam vet), and I can see how a hardworking father whose kids and wife didn't love him the way he needed to be loved would turn to it.
Doesn't make it right, and it doesn't absolve a person from any blame, but if you are truly interested in helping someone like that, be ready to sacrifice how you feel and attempt to love that person where they are and help them get through whatever underlying issue is causing the problem.
Yesterday marked the 5 year anniversary of my Dad's death. I wish I had come to this realization much sooner.
It isn't about the alcohol. There's an underlying problem. It'd be like someone you know always being angry, and all you do is tell them how their anger is negatively affecting YOU. It's not the anger, it's the underlying problem that's causing them to be angry.
My dad was a binge drinker. Growing up, my mother, my two sisters and myself would all just get upset and angry that he wasn't seeing how it affected US. We would fight with him, yell at him, tell him all the negative things he was causing, etc...
It wasn't until I was much older that I realized there were underlying issues. He was hurting, he felt rejected by his family (we were bratty kids to him considering all he did for us, and our mother wasn't exactly understanding of him either). Top all of that with major depression (Vietnam vet), and I can see how a hardworking father whose kids and wife didn't love him the way he needed to be loved would turn to it.
Doesn't make it right, and it doesn't absolve a person from any blame, but if you are truly interested in helping someone like that, be ready to sacrifice how you feel and attempt to love that person where they are and help them get through whatever underlying issue is causing the problem.
Yesterday marked the 5 year anniversary of my Dad's death. I wish I had come to this realization much sooner.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 1:29 pm to dcrews
If your spouse is an alcoholic you really need to figure out your legal issues before it comes to an end. For one, if its a wife and mother then the father really needs to see a divorce lawyer to make sure everything is set up as much as possible. The last thing you want to do is have to leave your wife only for an alcoholic mother to get custody. Then once you have things mostly in line legally can you really start treating them properly; by cutting off money, taking away keys, changing locks, etc.
My step father in law is an alcoholic and my MIL has gone to a couple lawyers already. She is trying to help him before she has to take some major steps, but the reality is that she doesn't want to end up in a bad situation at her age financially.
My step father in law is an alcoholic and my MIL has gone to a couple lawyers already. She is trying to help him before she has to take some major steps, but the reality is that she doesn't want to end up in a bad situation at her age financially.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 1:36 pm to dcrews
I agree, there usually is an underlying problem. My ex wife had an eating disorder and was always worried about her body image. Couple that with insane anxiety and she would drink to numb herself. Then she couldn't/wouldn't stop drinking. Nothing I could say or show her made her stop. She hit "bottom" so many times but it only sobered her up for a day or two.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 4:07 pm to BRgetthenet
quote:
I had 14 greyhounds last night.
Get tested.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 4:26 pm to LucasP
quote:
Al Anon won't fix anything, it's pretty useless honestly except for letting you realize that you're not the only one going through it. Applying the twelve steps to a witness instead of an addict is fricking retarded. But it's the holy twelve steps so nobody questions it.
I'd say try and get her to see a shrink. Rehabs are a waste of time and money and I'm not gonna say anything about AA. Good luck.
ETA in my experience and opinion.
This Naked MInd is a really good book to read. The author gives it away for free to those that request it, but the hardcover is going to be $15.
It's about retraining the Unconscious mind. Hardcore AA folks aren't fond of it, but my therapist likes it.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 4:30 pm to Jimbeaux
You have no control over how she acts/drinks.
You need to get the police involved several times to document an ongoing situation.
This is to protect the children and you.
If there are no prior official reports, she will say a particular incident was the first time.
If you try to restrain her, she will claim domestic violence, divorce you and get custody of the children.
Then you have to pay alimony and child support.
The children's safety (physical and emotional) is much more important than your feelings. Once you fathered them/ accepted responsibility for them, you have to make the difficult choices they can not or should not have to make.
You are not the first person to go thru this.
Your children deserve better.
Consult a divorce lawyer to find out how to proceed. You need to be prepared for worst case possible. You must know how to protect yourself so you can take care of the children in the future. You can't take care of them from a jail cell.
You need to get the police involved several times to document an ongoing situation.
This is to protect the children and you.
If there are no prior official reports, she will say a particular incident was the first time.
If you try to restrain her, she will claim domestic violence, divorce you and get custody of the children.
Then you have to pay alimony and child support.
The children's safety (physical and emotional) is much more important than your feelings. Once you fathered them/ accepted responsibility for them, you have to make the difficult choices they can not or should not have to make.
You are not the first person to go thru this.
Your children deserve better.
Consult a divorce lawyer to find out how to proceed. You need to be prepared for worst case possible. You must know how to protect yourself so you can take care of the children in the future. You can't take care of them from a jail cell.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 4:38 pm to Jimbeaux
Do you think people decide to be an alcoholic? They might be well aware of how much of a burden they are, but they can't just stop drinking. Are you really this ignorant about this topic?
Posted on 7/12/16 at 4:39 pm to ATL-TIGER-732
Once you make vows you need to keep them. Sickness and in health. Better or worse.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 4:40 pm to Tiger Ryno
Maybe he can pray the alcohol away
Posted on 7/12/16 at 4:50 pm to Tiger Ryno
frick that. She has vows to uphold, too.
Posted on 7/13/16 at 4:09 pm to OweO
quote:Addiction as a Disease
Do you think people decide to be an alcoholic?
quote:
The Disease Model of Addiction
Addiction is defined as a disease by most medical associations, including the American Medical Association and the American Society of Addiction Medicine.
Like diabetes, cancer and heart disease, addiction is caused by a combination of behavioral, environmental and biological factors. Genetic risks factors account for about half of the likelihood that an individual will develop addiction.
The AMA classifying addiction as a disease did two things. The first was to allow people to get treatment without any social stigma since they had a disease. The second was to allow people to not have to accept any responsibility for their addiction since it was now a disease.
Dr. Frederick K. C. Price said he had counseled thousands of addicts. He said that not one of them was addicted to drinking out of a dirty toilet. They were all addicted to doing things they liked! Sounds like he didn't buy into the "disease" excuse.
Posted on 7/13/16 at 4:12 pm to Jimbeaux
Get you some Al Anon
Posted on 7/21/16 at 3:36 pm to Jimbeaux
Posted on 7/21/16 at 3:42 pm to dcrews
quote:
It isn't about the alcohol. There's an underlying problem. It'd be like someone you know always being angry, and all you do is tell them how their anger is negatively affecting YOU. It's not the anger, it's the underlying problem that's causing them to be angry.
Yeah, I have a relative who is a weird alcoholic in the sense that she had stopped for a year, but had a bad drunken meltdown at work. It seemed strange to send her to rehab since she was on the wagon for so long and because it was more about anxiety/depression. A combo of AA/sponsor, therapist to see on a regular basis, and psychiatrist to see for meds has done wonders.
Posted on 7/21/16 at 4:44 pm to Bunk Moreland
As a recovering alcoholic, you better pack your shite and let her hit rock bottom. Until she does she will continue to abuse the situation. If she chooses not to get help the burden is off you! We addicts are professional liars and manipulaters.
Posted on 7/21/16 at 5:07 pm to Recovered
I'm dealing with Someone who's addicted to pills and possibly heroin or cocaine. He's dropped probably 20 pounds in less than two months and has had worse than normal aggressive mood swings. His wife refuses to admit it and seems to be ignoring it. Even when presented with hard evidence. It's a horrible situation to be in and it has affected all of our lives in a bad way. He's verbally abusive now but I'm hoping that it doesn't turn into more as time goes on.
I hate that it's not my place to say anything even though over the past week I've been leaning towards trying to talk to him away from everyone else to see if we can discover the underlying issues with his addiction and to at least present to him how his life will change if he doesn't.
I hate that it's not my place to say anything even though over the past week I've been leaning towards trying to talk to him away from everyone else to see if we can discover the underlying issues with his addiction and to at least present to him how his life will change if he doesn't.
Posted on 7/21/16 at 6:56 pm to Monday
Do you love the person? If yes it is your place, call him a a-hole, tell him what he's doing is being a a-hole and get himself fixed. That was my problem everyone skirted around telling me what I was doing was killing myself and my family.
Posted on 7/21/16 at 7:00 pm to Recovered
quote:
Recovered
not if you believe the mantra
Posted on 7/21/16 at 7:07 pm to Jimbeaux
The true alcoholic doesn't give a frick about your pain. All he/she cares about is getting drunk.
I know from personal experience. I was a daily drunk for 25 years. God willing, I'll celebrate my 25th year of sobriety on Jan 1, 2017.
I know from personal experience. I was a daily drunk for 25 years. God willing, I'll celebrate my 25th year of sobriety on Jan 1, 2017.
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