So I had added Snowpiercer to my list on Netflix a while back, and finally decided to watch it last week. Man, oh man…that was….interesting. It was one of the dumbest, most ridiculous, random, hilarious, stupid movies I’ve ever seen. But for some damn reason, I actually kinda liked it.

Once I got over the fact that I would continually be slapped in the face with social class commentary, I sat back and got into the movie. But what the hell is going on here? For starters, we see messages being delivered inside of protein bars to the tail of the train. And they don’t really make much sense, but the movie seems to think they do, so whatever. I’ll roll with it.

Then the revolt starts, and it’s kinda cool. I liked the calling out of no bullets…that was pretty cool. And the movie was WAY more violent than I thought it would be. That was unexpected, and I enjoyed that. And when they got to the protein bar factory, that was so gratuitous and unnecessary, but pretty funny at least. They’ve been eating bugs and shite this WHOLE TIME, you guys!! LOLZOMG!!!

Let’s talk about the cars. Oh man, the cars. Okay, so obviously we didn’t see ALL of the cars. I get that. But the ones we did see didn’t make much sense at all. I read something online that I think this was based on a book, and that there were 1,000 cars in that book, or something like that?? But the train in the movie clearly wasn’t that long. In fact, it didn’t seem to be much longer than what was actually shown onscreen. But it has to be, right?

I mean, where the frick do these rich people sleep? We see no chambers in these cars. We see bunks in the tail section, and then a small spot for (I assume) guards and shite to sleep a few cars up from there. But after that, it’s completely random. We see a fricking aquarium car…don’t even get me started on how much the water would have something to say with a train moving that fast. And that’s even before the classroom. So if people want to hit up the sushi bar, do they have to walk through the classroom (and hope they don’t get shot by the teacher, good Lord..). Or are there levels to the train, and you can go over/under it? Who knows, because it’s never explained. But you’d think on their way to the front that they could’ve just skipped the classroom and the children, so maybe there isn’t a way around. There’s a car with dentist/library/tailor in it. That seems completely necessary. But then we get to the fricking pool car, which is hilarious in its own right. I feel like they just sat down and thought of cars that would look cool, and just threw them in there. There are several restaurant/bar cars, along with some club/party cars, and some of those are weirdly close to the engine. And a sauna car? Man, talk about life’s necessities.

And don’t get me started on the shootout scene and how ridiculous that shite was. Pretty impressive shooting considering they were shooting at each other and reusing bullet holes in the glass while about ten traincars apart on a bumpy, fast train in a curve. I bet these dudes were Olympian shooters before the world turned cold.

Oh, and Ed Harris just chills in his engine room all day with basically a table and a chubby girl to hang out with all the time? What’s the fun in that? I sure hope that room has more to offer than a dinner table and a chubby chick, because that would drive any man insane (which may explain the movie in the first place..).

And Gilliam is in on it? Of course he is. Why? Because we have to thin the herd to balance the train. And that makes sense why? Who knows…but the movie seems to think it does, so whatever. I’ll roll with it.

Let’s get to the Asian dude. So his plan is to use drugs (basically C4) to blow up the train and escape. And then what? He tells us that he sees more and more of the airplane each year, so that must mean the world is thawing. Okay, so let’s ignore the sheer stupidity of that premise (because it could just unseasonably warm the last couple of years) and assume he’s right. Just because the world is thawing A LITTLE doesn’t mean that it’s still a livable environment. And let’s not forget that people trained in that environment tried to escape before and literally froze to death within 50 steps of the train tracks. I mean, I’m no rocket surgeon, but it seems like “living on a train that literally won’t ever die and contains a FULLY SUSTAINABLE ECOSYSTEM until the world temperature grows to something that doesn’t literally kill human beings in minutes” seems like a fairly smart plan to me. And literally blowing up the train seems like something that could, you know, kill everything on board. But hey, I’m not the crack addict, so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about.

So a bunch of shite happens and they decide that the only real answer is to blow the train and GTFO. Okay, solid plan. So let’s do that next to a city or something, right? Nah…let’s blow that shite next to a mountain. So now the train has a giant hole in it, and an avalanche brings the thunder and blows the train to shite, killing everybody on board except for two of the weakest members of the only human population left on earth. And they have to fend for themselves in the fricking freezing wilderness. But it’s okay, you guys, because POLAR BEAR!!! See? Check it out…life. Everything is okay now. Nevermind that a) it’s a fricking polar bear and those things are, you know, made to live in freezing environments, or b) it’s a fricking polar bear and those things are, you know, kind of assholes and pretty brutal killing machines, and these two kids are likely the first living things (a.k.a. food) that it has seen in almost two decades, so it will likely hunt and eat them immediately. But whatever.

I feel like this conversation went down at some point during production:

So, I dig the premise, and like all of the stupid shite that makes no sense, but how do we end it.
Well, sir, we were thinking we’d just blow the train to shite and have the two survivors (a girl and a small child) face the snow on their own.
Okay, sounds good. But wouldn’t they die immediately?
No, sir. You see, there’s a polar bear about 100 feet away from them. So life!!
Brilliant. Someone get Chris Evans on the phone…

And yet despite all of that, I actually kinda dug it. And don’t get me wrong, the movie is fricking terrible. But for whatever weird reasons, it entertained me for two hours far more than I thought it would.

Thoughts on this movie?