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Started By
Message
In this thread, let us de-construct the Hallmark movie
Posted on 11/27/22 at 7:32 pm
Posted on 11/27/22 at 7:32 pm
What are the must-haves in any Hallmark movie?
1. Female protagonist with a "creative" job, usually in a big, cool city. (It's ok if the job doesn't actually exist anymore, like live terrestrial radio disc jockey.)
2. Faced with the agonizing dilemma of choosing between two incredibly handsome suitors and their attempts to woo her
3. One suitor must be conventionally attractive, rich, talented, etc. but otherwise "boring" or mean
4. The competing suitor must not be obviously wealthy or traditionally attractive (i.e. long hair, non-traditional job); however, he MUST secretly possess or be an heir to vast acreage of land, a castle, royalty, family trust fund, or other wealth. (The protagonist can not KNOW this, however, so that her worthiness can be established.)
5. Sassy/Gay best friend or family member
6. Overbearing mother
7. Piles of snow and sparkly background lights in every shot, of course
1. Female protagonist with a "creative" job, usually in a big, cool city. (It's ok if the job doesn't actually exist anymore, like live terrestrial radio disc jockey.)
2. Faced with the agonizing dilemma of choosing between two incredibly handsome suitors and their attempts to woo her
3. One suitor must be conventionally attractive, rich, talented, etc. but otherwise "boring" or mean
4. The competing suitor must not be obviously wealthy or traditionally attractive (i.e. long hair, non-traditional job); however, he MUST secretly possess or be an heir to vast acreage of land, a castle, royalty, family trust fund, or other wealth. (The protagonist can not KNOW this, however, so that her worthiness can be established.)
5. Sassy/Gay best friend or family member
6. Overbearing mother
7. Piles of snow and sparkly background lights in every shot, of course
23
Posted on 11/27/22 at 7:36 pm to shutterspeed
That’s the template. I can’t imagine sitting through one of those.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 7:37 pm to shutterspeed
They all follow the same basic storyline. Women are usually hot.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 7:43 pm to shutterspeed
There it is 
Posted on 11/27/22 at 7:45 pm to shutterspeed
You forgot some type of baking contest or charity event.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 7:49 pm to shutterspeed
There's usually some sort of "meet cute" as well.
The posters are also cut right out of a template too. I don't know if I saw this here or somewhere else but it cracked me up.
The posters are also cut right out of a template too. I don't know if I saw this here or somewhere else but it cracked me up.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 7:52 pm to JoeHackett
I was gonna say, you have to include Christmas...even if the movie airs in July.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 8:00 pm to Ponchy Tiger
quote:That's smart. Gotta give the husband/ boyfriend that has to watch that shite something to look at.
Women are usually hot.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 8:10 pm to Epaminondas
I can respect that they know what they're trying to do/say and don't go overboard. Was watching a little of one late the other night and for some reason thought of this movie. Imagine if this movie poster was made today.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 8:13 pm to jbgleason
quote:
You forgot some type of baking contest or charity event.
Good one. There's usually a community event of some sort so that the protagonist can become a part of her new community.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 8:13 pm to JoeHackett
quote:
There's usually some sort of "meet cute" as well.
Fact.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 8:14 pm to shutterspeed
My wife will not let me watch them with her anymore. I Mystery Science 3000 the shite out of them and it annoys her something fierce.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 8:15 pm to shutterspeed
quote:
3. One suitor must be conventionally attractive, rich, talented, etc. but otherwise "boring" or mean 4. The competing suitor must not be obviously wealthy or traditionally attractive (i.e. long hair, non-traditional job); however, he MUST secretly possess or be an heir to vast acreage of land, a castle, royalty, family trust fund, or other wealth. (The protagonist can not KNOW this, however, so that her worthiness can be established.)
Seems like most I have to watch only have one suitor, and the dilemma is between a job and love or balancing family and love or some other trope.
quote:
6. Overbearing mother
Don’t agree with this one either. A lot of Hallmark films promote family values. I’m very close to my family, so maybe my gf knows I’d bitch if she put on one with different themes.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 8:16 pm to ellunchboxo
quote:
My wife will not let me watch them with her anymore. I Mystery Science 3000 the shite out of them and it annoys her something fierce.
I've definintely been given notice doing the same.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 8:34 pm to shutterspeed
There is often a grandfatherly figure that also plays Santa at the town Christmas celebration. Right in the middle of the big fight these new couples have, he usually has the right words to push them back together. His coincidental timing and apparent puppet mastering from afar make you wonder if he is indeed THE Santa.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 8:49 pm to shutterspeed
8. They have a dead mother or father.
Posted on 11/27/22 at 8:56 pm to shutterspeed
This post was edited on 11/27/22 at 8:57 pm
Posted on 11/27/22 at 9:00 pm to TomRollTideRitter
quote:
TomRollTideRitter
I kinda agree with your takes. OP hit some of the beats but missed on some.
Sometimes there is another suitor that is thrown over (or throws over the leading lady).
Both the leading lady and the new love interest tend to be typical Hollywood good looking types.
Moms and dads usually are supportive and give advice to "follow your heart"
Protagonist (usually the leading lady, but sometimes the guy) falls in love with a quaint small town and finds their true self via the genuine townsfolk. And usually Christmas.
Minorities are generally cast as the boss and/or best friend of the protagonist. They also tend to give helpful advice to "follow your heart"
Posted on 11/27/22 at 11:45 pm to shutterspeed
There can also be a cliff hanger element.
The quaint town/farm/undeveloped land/charming small business might be bought up by a developer or investor who will make everything terrible. This often plays into the “true sprit of Christmas” theme as it is saved and everyone rejoices.
There is often city vs rural theme
The protagonist discovers their true calling in life, like being a candlestick maker rather than an accountant.
Protagonist sheds glasses, suits, and business hairstyle for flowing hair let down and blue jeans. .
The quaint town/farm/undeveloped land/charming small business might be bought up by a developer or investor who will make everything terrible. This often plays into the “true sprit of Christmas” theme as it is saved and everyone rejoices.
There is often city vs rural theme
The protagonist discovers their true calling in life, like being a candlestick maker rather than an accountant.
Protagonist sheds glasses, suits, and business hairstyle for flowing hair let down and blue jeans. .
Posted on 11/27/22 at 11:47 pm to WestCoastAg
That last column, is usually all rolled into one.
Sensitive country guy, who was an old flame in High School, who has a dog, and single Dad with a precocious little girl and it's Christmas.
That's every dude in Hallmark movies.
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