10 Things To Look Forward To This College Football Season

#1 is great.

wait, we are number one in something else. time for a T-shirt!

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1) ESPN will be out to get you.

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And more importantly, ESPN hates your team.

ESPN will go to any length to diss your team. Any length. You know that LSU coozie you used to have but can’t seem to find? ESPN took it. Because ESPN hates LSU. That is, if LSU is your team.

It has nothing to do with you being too passionately involved in both liking your team and hating other teams. ESPN just likes to frick with your head. That's why when Mark May says something like 'LSU has question marks at quarterback. Watch out for Florida in this one' you get pissed. Sure, you just read the same thing in the Times Picayune. But the Times Picayune isn't ESPN - who clearly is having a love affair with Urban Meyer and the Gators while simultaneously throwing the LSU Bengal Tigers under the bus every chance they get.

Unless you're a Florida fan. In which case the time that Chris Fowler made that dig about Urban Meyer's 28-point loss to Alabama is clear evidence of an ESPN-wide plan to, in fact, shut the UF football program down.

Remember that time ESPN ran a story about your favorite player getting arrested? Nevermind that he actually did get arrested. That's bullshite. ESPN is bullshite. And it is obvious that, by running timely stories about factual events, ESPN is biased against your team.

It doesn't matter who you pull for.

Whoever your favorite team is, ESPN hates it. ESPN hates anything you love, and loves anything you hate.

ESPN hates your dad. Unless you hate your dad. In which case ESPN loves your dad.

If you love bread, ESPN is 'anti-sandwich.' If you hate end-pieces, ESPN will run a special about end pieces. Mark May will hold up two hard, crusty-arse end pieces and hype the shite out of them all year long. Bob Ley will run a special called ‘Outside The Loaf.’ Ivan Maisel will write a column with a pun-filled headline like 'The piece to the end puzzle' and mind-force you to read it and then email him in anger about it.

If you were for the Union, ESPN was for the Confederacy.

If you had a Sega Genesis, ESPN had a Super Nintendo. If you had a Super Nintendo, ESPN had Sega Genesis.

If you liked like Tombstone, ESPN liked Wyatt Earp.

If you preferred Use Your Illusion I, ESPN preferred Use Your Illusion II.

If you pulled for Dan, ESPN pulled for Dave.

If you think OJ is guilty, ESPN is black.

ESPN hates everything you stand for. Unless you stand for something else. Then ESPN hates that too.

I gotta go with #9. My friends sit around and do that shite the entire day. That is funny as hell.

Good one! Thanks for sharing

Best post of the day! Loved this:

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No, you aren’t surprising anyone. Your team's mascot should be Danny Devito. Your favorite team is a legalized midget. And yet every year you display the same frick-me-in-the-brain hope syndrome.

And last year only made things worse. Giving these assholes the parity-driven ‘07 season was like handing a homeless guy the keys to a non-existant Jaguar. False hope abounds.

South Florida. Boston College. Appalachian State. Kansas.

Thanks Football Gods. Now, dumb assholes everywhere think teams like the Tulane Green Wave are going to pull a BCS six-peat.

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thanx for sharing. i was rolling reading it

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Why do you think your girlfriend lets you watch College Gameday, you dense frick? Because while you’re busy geeking out over which cartoon-animal-face Lee Corso is going to put on top of his head, she’s going for an imaginary ride on Kirk Herbsteit’s pelvis.

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You know that guy in your office, who invariably went to some non-BCS school, that’s more of an annoying count than Gilbert Gottfried in a full vagina outfit? You know, the guy who cheers for the impossibly mediocre program yet has unbearably high expectations at the start of every season?

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Collette is sporting a "walmart" jersey here:

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Yes, yes she is.

One of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

Well played Gumps.