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Started By
Message
My wife has a shopping problem
Posted on 7/22/09 at 10:08 am
Posted on 7/22/09 at 10:08 am
I didn't put this on the OT because of the stupid answers I would get. I may still get some here.
I really am not sure how to handle it. My wife has a shopping problem. It's snowballing. She's never been like this before. I've told her that she has a problem but since I'm a dipper (smokeless tobacco), she just chuckles and throws that back at me. I've seen those shows on TV with the baldheaded biker guy that goes to people's houses and one of the spouses are getting 5 QVC packages everyday and I don't want that to happen to me.
We've been married close to 20 years with no kids and have always had separate money. She clears close to 2k per month and pays the electricity bill (about $150) and groceries (maybe $250).
We are both pushing 40.
She went back to college late in life and we scraped by on what I made for 3.5 years with me paying all of the bills. I also paid all tuition and books so there was no after college debt. I also gave her a small ($300) allowance monthly for gas/food etc so she lived meagerly for 3.5 years. When she graduated (1.5 years ago), she lived conservatively for several months and saved 6k pretty quickly.
The problem is it's a year later and she still only has 6k.
Her spending is getting out of hand. She shops mainly for clothes but it seems she's bringing new clothes into the home every other day. We live in a small 1350 sq foot house and honestly, we have 1 bedroom designated for nothing but her clothes. I've noticed her watching the shopping channels on TV lately also. A package arrived a week or so ago and have no idea what was in it but I'm scared to guess. I didn't ask either.
I bought a new truck a year and a half ago (her last semester in school) and put any extra money I had to paying that off (pd off in June 09) so I haven't saved anything for a year and a half other than the 15% I put in 401k.
So here are my problems.
1) How to confront the wife and make her understand that she's out of control
2) How to make her understand that there is a good possibility I will be laid off by the end of the year and we need more saved than we have.
3) That it sucks being the only person in the family that is seriously worried about saving for retirement.
The only bills we have are phone/satellite/house/insurance/electricity but we are not prepared for retirement and she doesn't seem to be working toward it.
I really am not sure how to handle it. My wife has a shopping problem. It's snowballing. She's never been like this before. I've told her that she has a problem but since I'm a dipper (smokeless tobacco), she just chuckles and throws that back at me. I've seen those shows on TV with the baldheaded biker guy that goes to people's houses and one of the spouses are getting 5 QVC packages everyday and I don't want that to happen to me.
We've been married close to 20 years with no kids and have always had separate money. She clears close to 2k per month and pays the electricity bill (about $150) and groceries (maybe $250).
We are both pushing 40.
She went back to college late in life and we scraped by on what I made for 3.5 years with me paying all of the bills. I also paid all tuition and books so there was no after college debt. I also gave her a small ($300) allowance monthly for gas/food etc so she lived meagerly for 3.5 years. When she graduated (1.5 years ago), she lived conservatively for several months and saved 6k pretty quickly.
The problem is it's a year later and she still only has 6k.
Her spending is getting out of hand. She shops mainly for clothes but it seems she's bringing new clothes into the home every other day. We live in a small 1350 sq foot house and honestly, we have 1 bedroom designated for nothing but her clothes. I've noticed her watching the shopping channels on TV lately also. A package arrived a week or so ago and have no idea what was in it but I'm scared to guess. I didn't ask either.
I bought a new truck a year and a half ago (her last semester in school) and put any extra money I had to paying that off (pd off in June 09) so I haven't saved anything for a year and a half other than the 15% I put in 401k.
So here are my problems.
1) How to confront the wife and make her understand that she's out of control
2) How to make her understand that there is a good possibility I will be laid off by the end of the year and we need more saved than we have.
3) That it sucks being the only person in the family that is seriously worried about saving for retirement.
The only bills we have are phone/satellite/house/insurance/electricity but we are not prepared for retirement and she doesn't seem to be working toward it.
10
Posted on 7/22/09 at 10:14 am to WM88
The only thing I can suggest is that you push really hard to convince her that you two should see marriage councelor. The #1 cause for divorce is finance issues. If you don't stop this stuff early it will get out of control real fast. Debt will lead to stress, stress will lead to fights.
Posted on 7/22/09 at 10:19 am to notiger1997
quote:
The #1 cause for divorce is finance issues.
I fully agree with this. We don't have financial issues at the moment. Maybe I'm stressing too much but I'm very disappointed that we aren't saving like we should be.
Posted on 7/22/09 at 10:25 am to WM88
is putting the $ together so that way you control it an option?
Posted on 7/22/09 at 10:30 am to WM88
Just to clarify... she works full time and clears $2K a month and she only pays the electricity bill (about $150) and groceries (maybe $250) which leaves her with $1600 in disposable income? Is that correct?
Does she put the max into her 401K?
Does she save anything outside of her 401K?
I would guess that she feels that this is 'her' money since she earned it. If this is the case you need to remind her that it's both of your money since yall are married so half of that disposable income is yours to do what you want with it. Remind her that you paid for all of her education, and if you didn't she'd be in debt b/c of student loans. Basically she owes you that money back. Also remind her that you pay for the house, insurance, etc... and if you didn't, she wouldn't have all of that disposable income to blow.
Money issues with spouses are hard. Basically, i think she needs to be reminded how much you pay that she benefits from. If she doesn't respect this, then she needs to start paying 1/2 the house note, 1/2 insurance etc. When she is the one paying for it, she might start respecting it.
Does she put the max into her 401K?
Does she save anything outside of her 401K?
I would guess that she feels that this is 'her' money since she earned it. If this is the case you need to remind her that it's both of your money since yall are married so half of that disposable income is yours to do what you want with it. Remind her that you paid for all of her education, and if you didn't she'd be in debt b/c of student loans. Basically she owes you that money back. Also remind her that you pay for the house, insurance, etc... and if you didn't, she wouldn't have all of that disposable income to blow.
Money issues with spouses are hard. Basically, i think she needs to be reminded how much you pay that she benefits from. If she doesn't respect this, then she needs to start paying 1/2 the house note, 1/2 insurance etc. When she is the one paying for it, she might start respecting it.
Posted on 7/22/09 at 10:35 am to MikeBRLA
Also maybe mention this to someone that is close to you all that you trust and see if they think she might be a little depressed or something.
I know a lady who just went nuts buying shite. She was ordering off of QVS non stop and buying clothes every weekend at the mall. The clothes would just sit in bags at the house. She just admitted finally that spending money made her feel good.
I know a lady who just went nuts buying shite. She was ordering off of QVS non stop and buying clothes every weekend at the mall. The clothes would just sit in bags at the house. She just admitted finally that spending money made her feel good.
Posted on 7/22/09 at 10:38 am to WM88
Look up some savings comparison calculators, ie where you are at your age compared to the national median for your household income, etc. If that supports your concerns show it to her on hard copy and discuss where you think you need to be today and in the future. I like some good things in life, but hate money burnt on wasteful spending, like 40 pairs of shoes in a female's closet.
I can sympathize with you, my wife shops some but nothing to the extent as described in your post and is fairly price conscious. I paid to put her through college a second time which has worked out well as she began making significantly more income affording a higher savings rate with little pain. With dual income and no kids it should be easier to ramp up savings now versus when something could happen to either one of you in the future. Some like to live in the here and now and take the future as it comes, that is a hard mindset to deal with when the other spouse wants to plan for the future. Good luck.
I can sympathize with you, my wife shops some but nothing to the extent as described in your post and is fairly price conscious. I paid to put her through college a second time which has worked out well as she began making significantly more income affording a higher savings rate with little pain. With dual income and no kids it should be easier to ramp up savings now versus when something could happen to either one of you in the future. Some like to live in the here and now and take the future as it comes, that is a hard mindset to deal with when the other spouse wants to plan for the future. Good luck.
Posted on 7/22/09 at 10:50 am to WM88
Sounds like the perfect situation for the Dave Ramsey philosophy to be implemented.
I don't abide by his theory, but it's perfect for those with less dicipline (your wife).
My wife and I have an unwritten rule that with any purchase over $100 (not groceries or anything like that), we run it by each other first before buying.
I don't abide by his theory, but it's perfect for those with less dicipline (your wife).
My wife and I have an unwritten rule that with any purchase over $100 (not groceries or anything like that), we run it by each other first before buying.
Posted on 7/22/09 at 11:37 am to MikeBRLA
Yes,
She works full time and clears 2k a month and only pays the elec and groceries (and water $20 per month). Figuring gas to and from work and lunch, add another 300 bucks so her disposable is likely closer to $1300 a month to save or blow.
She works for the state so no 401k.
She did save for the first 6 or 8 months but not much since. She's a teacher so the "off time" in the summer has given her time to let her mind wander and get bored. Maybe it will correct on its own when she starts back to school.
That would go over like a lead balloon. Good idea but that won't work.
Our house note is only $470 over 15 years (10 left) and the bills I pay only equal about $900 per month (house/insurance/phones/satellite/internet) so it's not that big of a deal.
Good Point notiger. I'll definitely look into this.
I honestly think my wife could wear a different outfit every single day and never wear the same one in 6 months, maybe longer. My wife doesn't buy extravigant pricy clothes but $50 2 or 3 times a week adds up over time.
She works full time and clears 2k a month and only pays the elec and groceries (and water $20 per month). Figuring gas to and from work and lunch, add another 300 bucks so her disposable is likely closer to $1300 a month to save or blow.
She works for the state so no 401k.
She did save for the first 6 or 8 months but not much since. She's a teacher so the "off time" in the summer has given her time to let her mind wander and get bored. Maybe it will correct on its own when she starts back to school.
quote:
Remind her that you paid for all of her education, and if you didn't she'd be in debt b/c of student loans. Basically she owes you that money back.
That would go over like a lead balloon. Good idea but that won't work.
quote:
Also remind her that you pay for the house, insurance, etc
Our house note is only $470 over 15 years (10 left) and the bills I pay only equal about $900 per month (house/insurance/phones/satellite/internet) so it's not that big of a deal.
quote:
Also maybe mention this to someone that is close to you all that you trust and see if they think she might be a little depressed or something.
Good Point notiger. I'll definitely look into this.
quote:
I like some good things in life, but hate money burnt on wasteful spending, like 40 pairs of shoes in a female's closet.
I honestly think my wife could wear a different outfit every single day and never wear the same one in 6 months, maybe longer. My wife doesn't buy extravigant pricy clothes but $50 2 or 3 times a week adds up over time.
Posted on 7/22/09 at 12:12 pm to WM88
Here's what my girlfriend and I do when it comes to finances. (And don't let the term 'girlfriend' throw you off, we own a house together and are pretty much married, but we have no plans to ever enter into a marriage contract if we can help it.)
Anyway....
We each have our own personal bank accounts. Our salary gets put into our own personal accounts.
We also have a joint checking and joint savings account.
Every pay period we each put an equal amount of money into the joint checking account. All joint bills get paid out of that account: mortgage, water, electricity, gas, cable, etc. Anything left over gets put into joint savings.
We each are then left with our own money in our personal accounts to do whatever we want with. We each pay for our own cell phone bills, she pays for her vehicle with her money, I pay for mine with my money, etc.
This situation has allowed us to greatly minimize the amount of arguments over money. As long as she meets her joint financial obligations, then I don't give a shite if she goes out and spends the rest of her money on clothes.
So my point is....why don't you implement something like this?
Anyway....
We each have our own personal bank accounts. Our salary gets put into our own personal accounts.
We also have a joint checking and joint savings account.
Every pay period we each put an equal amount of money into the joint checking account. All joint bills get paid out of that account: mortgage, water, electricity, gas, cable, etc. Anything left over gets put into joint savings.
We each are then left with our own money in our personal accounts to do whatever we want with. We each pay for our own cell phone bills, she pays for her vehicle with her money, I pay for mine with my money, etc.
This situation has allowed us to greatly minimize the amount of arguments over money. As long as she meets her joint financial obligations, then I don't give a shite if she goes out and spends the rest of her money on clothes.
So my point is....why don't you implement something like this?
Posted on 7/22/09 at 12:43 pm to WM88
quote:
My wife has a shopping problem
:prayerssent:
Posted on 7/22/09 at 12:48 pm to WM88
PIIHB - Sorry couldn't help it, somebody had to do it 
There is some good advice here. Good luck
There is some good advice here. Good luck
This post was edited on 7/23/09 at 9:51 am
Posted on 7/22/09 at 12:49 pm to WM88
So you are saying that you gave her $$$ to go to school, and now that she has money her money is hers? So basically, what's yours is hers and whats hers is hers? Wow, sounds like a good deal for her, but not so good for you, thus you ended up starting this thread.
Sounds like you don't think this issue is worth fighting over. Why start the thread then? Like I said earlier... money issues with spouses are tough issues. She won't like ANYTHING interfering with her free spending. There is no magical solution where both of yall are happy since someone (her) has to give something up.
quote:
That would go over like a lead balloon. Good idea but that won't work.
Sounds like you don't think this issue is worth fighting over. Why start the thread then? Like I said earlier... money issues with spouses are tough issues. She won't like ANYTHING interfering with her free spending. There is no magical solution where both of yall are happy since someone (her) has to give something up.
Posted on 7/22/09 at 12:56 pm to MikeBRLA
quote:
now that she has money her money is hers?
That's the arrangement my wife and I have: Her money is her money, and my money is her money....
Oh, wait!!!
Crap!!!
Posted on 7/22/09 at 1:00 pm to WM88
quote:
She's a teacher so the "off time" in the summer has given her time to let her mind wander and get bored. Maybe it will correct on its own when she starts back to school.
My wife is a teacher and I feared that the exact same thing would happen.
Unfortunately, it kinda has, but not to the extent that yours has.
Everytime I get home however, she is on some website looking for something to buy, but she's pretty good about running it by me first.
Posted on 7/22/09 at 1:01 pm to WM88
My first wife had the same problem. Don't know if this is the same in your case, but in mine the wife considered shopping recreation. Like a man playing golf. But she had to do it every day.
We had joint accounts so she had a lot of control over money. She also taught my daughter to shop as recreation. It was a bonding thing, kind of like a dad playing catch with his son in the back yard. After a while she depleted our savings and I confronted her. I decided to separate our accounts and I was shocked to see how much I was able to save and she was shocked to see how she couldn't live on her salary.
All those years we were using my salary to pay bills and she was using her salary to buy stuff. The kicker was when I took a garbage bag full of her clothes to the curb. The bag split open. Most of her clothes still had the price tags on them. She never wore them.
We had joint accounts so she had a lot of control over money. She also taught my daughter to shop as recreation. It was a bonding thing, kind of like a dad playing catch with his son in the back yard. After a while she depleted our savings and I confronted her. I decided to separate our accounts and I was shocked to see how much I was able to save and she was shocked to see how she couldn't live on her salary.
All those years we were using my salary to pay bills and she was using her salary to buy stuff. The kicker was when I took a garbage bag full of her clothes to the curb. The bag split open. Most of her clothes still had the price tags on them. She never wore them.
Posted on 7/22/09 at 1:03 pm to MikeBRLA
Money issues with the spouse are the toughest to deal with. only thing harder is sex IMHO.
the wife and I pool everything. When I first got out of school and got a real job, my income jumped a lot. She felt it was her duty to spend it. So we implemented a simple rule - if its over $100, then you have to ask each other first. This is the total bill, not an individual item. It didn't stop her from spending, but instead of dropping $300 at target, she would drop $80.
We have since raised it to $200. And well, she has turned into a total hippie (from a sorority girl), and thus doesn't spend much at all these days outside of cosmetics and dying her hair. She even shops at a thrift store now. I thank the girl that informed my wife of the horrible human rights records of major retail outlets! Stopping shopping at the mall has saved us a bundle.
And you can get really nice stuff at thrift stores if you look. Personally I only buy the occasional shirt there, but that is her main shopping outlet.
the wife and I pool everything. When I first got out of school and got a real job, my income jumped a lot. She felt it was her duty to spend it. So we implemented a simple rule - if its over $100, then you have to ask each other first. This is the total bill, not an individual item. It didn't stop her from spending, but instead of dropping $300 at target, she would drop $80.
We have since raised it to $200. And well, she has turned into a total hippie (from a sorority girl), and thus doesn't spend much at all these days outside of cosmetics and dying her hair. She even shops at a thrift store now. I thank the girl that informed my wife of the horrible human rights records of major retail outlets! Stopping shopping at the mall has saved us a bundle.
And you can get really nice stuff at thrift stores if you look. Personally I only buy the occasional shirt there, but that is her main shopping outlet.
Posted on 7/22/09 at 1:12 pm to Zach
quote:
Don't know if this is the same in your case, but in mine the wife considered shopping recreation. Like a man playing golf.
This is what I was going to suggest. Sounds like this shopping habit comes from having too much time on her hands. Is there any way you could gently nudge her into cheaper hobbies? What else does she like to do?
Posted on 7/22/09 at 1:33 pm to MikeBRLA
quote:
Why start the thread then?
Because I need ideas to try and get her to stop shopping. I'm afraid it will get worse. I was the one that chose the separate accounts 20 years ago (mom was married alot of times!). I don't have a problem paying more bills than the wife. The problem I have is her shopping instead of saving for retirement or job loss. My wife and I have been together for 20 years and she has done some shopping from time to time but never on the regular basis that she has in the last 60 days. It's almost like a sickness. I honestly think she's trying to hide it from me. Kinda like clothes she bought sitting in her truck for a few days etc.
quote:
After a while she depleted our savings and I confronted her.
I really don't have this issue as my paycheck is in my account but I feel she should be able to contribute in case of any crisis that arises.
quote:
Most of her clothes still had the price tags on them. She never wore them.
Hmmm, another good idea. Maybe my wife is getting it from my mom. My mom cleans out her closet a couple times a year and sends my wife loads of clothes. A ton of them still have price tags on them and my mom doesn't scrimp when it comes to clothes buying. It's nothing for mom to spend $75-$100 on a single item.
quote:
Money issues with the spouse are the toughest to deal with. only thing harder is sex IMHO.
Again, there are no current money issues. There are no forseeable issues. The issue is that if this snowballs, it could be a problem (space and money). I could sure use some ideas to discuss with the wife about possible future issues. I appreciate the ideas.
quote:
And you can get really nice stuff at thrift stores if you look.
My wife always buys thrift or clearance. The issue is the volume and frequency.
quote:
Is there any way you could gently nudge her into cheaper hobbies?
Another good idea! Unfortunately, we are both pretty much each others best friends. I need to find something we can do together regularly instead of her shopping.
Posted on 7/22/09 at 1:54 pm to WM88
quote:
1) How to confront the wife and make her understand that she's out of control
You must like sleeping on the couch quote:
3) That it sucks being the only person in the family that is seriously worried about saving for retirement.
If a rational conversation would turn her around you wouldn't be posting here. Sometimes ants marry grasshoppers and the ant just has to deal.
Skip #1 and #3 and go directly to #2. Just blurt it out. If she still doesn't get it start talking about foreclosure and credit cards getting cancelled.
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