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Started By
Message
Posted on 5/31/23 at 7:34 am to Lithium
quote:
Took me about a year.
Yep same. A good solid year before I felt ok again.
Posted on 5/31/23 at 7:38 am to hellsu
quote:
She is an adult and you are a child. You don't deserve her or the children. You have put your whole family at risk waiting for her to cave again and it didn't happen.
She finally had enough. Your wife and children deserved a man to step up and at least try to salvage the marriage and family but you put yourself first. Congratulations.
How do you know that he wasn't out providing for his family? Maybe his arse was working to try and provide for 3 daughters and a wife which is more than a full time effort and his wife wanted the money AND the husband at home. You're taking the thoughts of a man who just got the news and is processing it. Of course he's going to look at all he did and what he COULD have done. That doesn't make him unworthy of kids or a wife. He's doing what every man does when faced with a hardship and that's trying to see what went wrong.
Posted on 5/31/23 at 7:40 am to Hou_Lawyer
quote:
How do people cope with separation or divorce?
quote:
Golf. Drink. Gamble. Repeat.
Holy shite
Posted on 5/31/23 at 7:42 am to ArmyHogs
Lots of good can come from it or bad.. Its your choice
Good luck
Good luck
Posted on 5/31/23 at 7:46 am to ArmyHogs
Id recommend some Jung, wade in your darkness a bit and come to terms with it
Posted on 5/31/23 at 8:10 am to Havoc
quote:
Get back to the basics.
Who are you?
What do you believe in?
What person do you want to be going forward?
Where do you want to be in 1 year? 5 years?
Do it.
This is the starting place but I will add to it.
Do not let this be a negative on you life that eats at you for the rest of your life. You cannot let a divorce beat you, you have to turn that divorce into a building block for who you are and what you want to be. Forget it and move on.
Immerse yourself into a new challenge. It may be enrolling in classes for something you have an interest but never thought you could do. Make this your personal challenge. There are two great side benefits of this. 1. You will be keeping your time and mind busy. 2. You will be in a new environment with new people to give you a whole new perspective of life around you.
Lastly, when your mind will not let it go, remind yourself you will not let someone not in your life have that control over you.
Posted on 5/31/23 at 8:15 am to fwtex
quote:
Do not let this be a negative on you life that eats at you for the rest of your life. You cannot let a divorce beat you, you have to turn that divorce into a building block for who you are and what you want to be. Forget it and move on.
Yes, coping just masks the underlying culprit
Posted on 5/31/23 at 8:24 am to RogerTheShrubber
This thread came back from the dead it seems. However, since I made the OP I have been applying several of the suggestions mentioned. 2 have helped me a lot, exercise and meditation. Meditation is something that I thought I would never do. It’s had amazing effects on me. Thanks everyone for your advice. If she told me today that she made a mistake and asked to reconcile, I would likely do it in a heartbeat. But I feel like I shouldn’t be hoping for that because it will hinder my own progress or whatever you want to call it.
Posted on 5/31/23 at 8:27 am to ArmyHogs
Also, not going to counseling with her is the biggest regret I have. I know people keep saying to do it, but it’s not something she wants to do now. I screwed up by not doing it before. I know this.
Posted on 5/31/23 at 8:27 am to ArmyHogs
Depends on who initiated it.
I just realized I was tired of her shite and wanted to split.
I was already checked out of the relationship and was just doing the minimum to get by.
One day a small fight over not getting me food turned into the fight.
She decided she wanted nothing from me but the furniture and a car for her kid. I had the house before we got together and she didn't want it.
She also didn't ask for any support. I got lucky.
I found out later her friend from the band parents club was moving in on her. So I think that played a role.
Not joining the Rummel band cult is really what split us up, sadly.
I went on a trip to focus on fun. I came back and she had moved out.
I think she thought she was showing me up. So I called my friends up and had a divorce party. In the empty house.
I mean there are days where I wake up and look at the empty bed. Or days when I see a picture of her and the new guy online. But all I think about is how great she was as a girlfriend and how horrible she was as a wife. I was a horrible husband though too. She didn't know or find out but I towards the end was cheating. So when I found out she moved on a month after we split, it wasn't a huge deal. I moved on before the split.
I focused on myself. Started working out and making an point to travel every month. 10 vacations a year is the goal.
I'm 40+ pounds lighter than I was when we were together by going on a starvation diet and am dating someone born after I graduated high school.
So life can get better.
Though yes, every day I remember something i miss.
I never had kids of my own so for 10 years I treated hers like mine. Then poof they are gone never to be seen again. That's the only part of it that hurts. Well one of the kids reaches out, online.
I regret getting married. I have friends who've dated for decades and have no intention of marriage. That's the way to go.
I still have to wait a few more months before I can actually be divorced.
I just realized I was tired of her shite and wanted to split.
I was already checked out of the relationship and was just doing the minimum to get by.
One day a small fight over not getting me food turned into the fight.
She decided she wanted nothing from me but the furniture and a car for her kid. I had the house before we got together and she didn't want it.
She also didn't ask for any support. I got lucky.
I found out later her friend from the band parents club was moving in on her. So I think that played a role.
Not joining the Rummel band cult is really what split us up, sadly.
I went on a trip to focus on fun. I came back and she had moved out.
I think she thought she was showing me up. So I called my friends up and had a divorce party. In the empty house.
I mean there are days where I wake up and look at the empty bed. Or days when I see a picture of her and the new guy online. But all I think about is how great she was as a girlfriend and how horrible she was as a wife. I was a horrible husband though too. She didn't know or find out but I towards the end was cheating. So when I found out she moved on a month after we split, it wasn't a huge deal. I moved on before the split.
I focused on myself. Started working out and making an point to travel every month. 10 vacations a year is the goal.
I'm 40+ pounds lighter than I was when we were together by going on a starvation diet and am dating someone born after I graduated high school.
So life can get better.
Though yes, every day I remember something i miss.
I never had kids of my own so for 10 years I treated hers like mine. Then poof they are gone never to be seen again. That's the only part of it that hurts. Well one of the kids reaches out, online.
I regret getting married. I have friends who've dated for decades and have no intention of marriage. That's the way to go.
I still have to wait a few more months before I can actually be divorced.
This post was edited on 5/31/23 at 8:33 am
Posted on 5/31/23 at 8:29 am to gizmothepug
Yeah, start off with some David Goggins and just go beast mode until time has healed the wounds.
Posted on 5/31/23 at 8:30 am to ArmyHogs
I channeled my energy into my physical rehab.
Posted on 5/31/23 at 8:48 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
If she told me today that she made a mistake and asked to reconcile, I would likely do it in a heartbeat. But I feel like I shouldn’t be hoping for that because it will hinder my own progress or whatever you want to call it.
I got stuck in that mode for a while. Hoping the reconciliation would come to the point my anxiety was off the charts. I’ve found it is much better to focus on small personal improvements rather than taking actions to influence if reconciliation will happen.
The key is making yourself better for YOU…. not to “save” The relationship
Posted on 5/31/23 at 8:59 am to ArmyHogs
I think it would really depend on the situation leading up to the separation.
My divorce was simple but what happened after was shocking for me. I caught her cheating, told her I wanted a divorce, simple. What I didn’t understand is that when I started doing thing again that I haven’t done since being married, I was having a blast. Genuinely having fun again and enjoying life. I didn’t realize how much my ex had sucked all the fun things away from me. I started talking to a new woman once I got paperwork back (I took the high ground and refused to even talk to another woman until we got papers back and signed), I had a blast talking with someone who actually wasn’t miserable.
I don’t know your situation, I do know that some are easy to move on from.
My divorce was simple but what happened after was shocking for me. I caught her cheating, told her I wanted a divorce, simple. What I didn’t understand is that when I started doing thing again that I haven’t done since being married, I was having a blast. Genuinely having fun again and enjoying life. I didn’t realize how much my ex had sucked all the fun things away from me. I started talking to a new woman once I got paperwork back (I took the high ground and refused to even talk to another woman until we got papers back and signed), I had a blast talking with someone who actually wasn’t miserable.
I don’t know your situation, I do know that some are easy to move on from.
Posted on 5/31/23 at 9:17 am to ArmyHogs
I have had a couple rough patches.... one being my divorce after being married 24 years. I found another woman and drank. Not the best advice... honestly, nothing but time really helped me. Time truly does heals all. Just remember no matter what, that sun will rise tomorrow and things will get better. Regardless of what you feel or think, hold that truth... things will get better.
Posted on 5/31/23 at 9:18 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
If she told me today that she made a mistake and asked to reconcile, I would likely do it in a heartbeat. But I feel like I shouldn’t be hoping for that because it will hinder my own progress or whatever you want to call it.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, truly. I know the common wisdom with relationships ending is to focus on yourself and not on saving the relationship. But to me this is dumb cultural advice centered on couples, not on families.
From what I've seen, tons and tons of marriages end because one person doesn't want to crack first or show vulnerability and the cold war just grows deeper and becomes harder and harder to thaw. Don't let layers pile up over the opportunity for reconciliation if you think she may be willing to come to the table and do the hard work with you to save it.
If you want your family back, screw your own progress (other than what's needed for your marriage/family) and try ceaselessly to do whatever it takes to get them back. That's my opinion anyway. If you want her and you can commit to the work needed - I highly doubt you'll ever regret pursuing that based on what you've said about her character.
Posted on 5/31/23 at 9:46 am to ArmyHogs
Well if you’ve told her that you want to go to counseling (albeit some weeks later) and now she doesn’t want to, then that’s on her to that degree.
It’s a fricked up situation because your journey through self realization may likely lead to concluding that you could have handled things better and a decision to do so. But assuming it’s a fairly typical situation where there’s probably blame to go around and no one has been a cheater or a monster, you can only do so much without crossing the line of groveling and other submissive type behavior that will only make it worse, even if it does fix it short term. So you need to have a clear picture of your “frame” or your demeanor and mindset. It’s strange how hard it can be to balance being loving, caring and sensitive with being strong and worthy of respect.
It’s a fricked up situation because your journey through self realization may likely lead to concluding that you could have handled things better and a decision to do so. But assuming it’s a fairly typical situation where there’s probably blame to go around and no one has been a cheater or a monster, you can only do so much without crossing the line of groveling and other submissive type behavior that will only make it worse, even if it does fix it short term. So you need to have a clear picture of your “frame” or your demeanor and mindset. It’s strange how hard it can be to balance being loving, caring and sensitive with being strong and worthy of respect.
Posted on 5/31/23 at 11:05 am to ArmyHogs
Dude. My divorce took me to the brink of suicide. 4 years out and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Her deciding “I could never make her happy.” In hindsight saved my life because trying was damn sure killing me. There’s a country song in there somewhere.
This post was edited on 5/31/23 at 11:06 am
Posted on 5/31/23 at 11:20 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
She suggested marriage counseling a couple of times and my stupid stubborn arse said no, and we could handle it ourselves. Obviously now it’s a huge regret.
Go to marriage counseling anyway….even if by yourself. You will learn from it so you can grow into the better version of yourself. Then you’ll be more ready for any future relationships.
You don’t want to repeat the same mistakes next time. And if you don’t find out what they were and change them, you will repeat them and find yourself back in this same spot in five years.
This post was edited on 5/31/23 at 11:32 am
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