Today in “Liberalism is a Mental Disorder” -Being a trans woman at the gym

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I didn't think exercise would be especially difficult after my transition, but it turns out that the gym was one of those challenges on the long journey to liberty. After three months of working out in gyms as a transgender woman, I learned how to feel comfortable and manage potential danger.

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The transition soothed some of my body-image issues, but I was still grappling with an eating disorder that was a holdover from the days I starved myself for a more "feminine" body. Plus, the estrogen I take decreased my muscle tone. I couldn't lift the same weight as I used to; opening jars became problematic. Two years after starting my transition, I decided that exercise in pursuit of heart, lung, and muscular health would be helpful — healthful, even. I was getting sick of being mocked by jars of pasta sauce.

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As a trans person, gyms made me nervous in the same way that being in any public space as my authentic self can make me nervous. It makes me feel uncomfortably seen, whether or not anyone is looking. Being part of a marginalized group, I often live with the threat of confrontation.

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Gyms intensify that fear because they're one of the few places where nudity is common. Exposed skin, form-fitting clothes, and changing rooms? All that amplified my fears of being targeted and insecurity about my body. Even though I'm easily read as a woman, the gym locker room still raised my hairs. I can't imagine what it's like for people who aren't read as the gender they are.

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My girlfriend also taught me how to use each machine safely. She explained her cardio routine and lowered its level of difficulty for a first-timer. During my first uphill stint on the treadmill, I could see her glancing over at me, making sure I was comfortable and that my face didn't become one with the floor. When I pushed too hard on a challenging elliptical machine, she babysat me while I steadied my heart — bringing fluids and towels for the dazed girl who saw dazzling spots in her vision.

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Hateful rhetoric, harassment, and the persistent threat of physical violence are all ways to deny me and other trans people the right to live normally. Barring us from public restrooms, school-safety procedures, and locker rooms stifles us from public life and plants the fear of being seen in our minds.

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