re: What Is Society’s Responsibility When the Foster System Fails?

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When he aged out of the system at 18, he was completely on his own.

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That is legitimately the fault of the government. They put him in the system and then dumped him on the street on his 18th birthday.

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armed robbery

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baby with his girlfriend

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baby died while in his care

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His fault.

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truly believe orphanages would be a better solution. At least there, the kids form bonds with each other long term and create their own peer support system. Kids in the foster system don’t even get to do that with how much they are moved around.

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I’m inclined to agree with you. My biggest concern with this model is that it wouldn’t be funded well-enough (or funds wouldn’t be managed properly) to pay caretakers well. I’m afraid opportunistic predators would flock to these places and then get hired due to lack of applicants.

I have come to believe that the first 7 years of a child’s life sets their character for life. Of course dire circumstances can alter things at most any time even the most stable; think of soldiers and PTSD. And once the damage is done only the most intelligent and strong willed can right the psychological ship.

There are so many psychologically dysfunctional people out there now that society simply has neither the resources, the motivation, or if so, even the ability to do for those people what they can only do for themselves. They could receive all life’s basics and most would still be harmful to themselves and others. Cost>Benefit factors in.

AI and the “Conversion” of brain and computer might be a fix, but that is a can full of worms. Which will likely happen anyway.

Some problems cannot be fixed minus great ???? opain. Think Titanic.

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I have come to believe that the first 7 years of a child’s life sets their character for life

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if I’m not mistaken, research indicates it’s the first six years.

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if I’m not mistaken, research indicates it’s the first six years.

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With the 1st three being the most critical as that’s when children form the ability to create emotional bonds with other people. RAD is a terrifying example of what can happen when children don’t bond with another human within the first 3 years… with many experts claiming it’s actually the 1st 18 months.

Do you mind if I ask why Russia for your adoption? I’m just curious. A then-neighbor of mine adopted two kids with disabilities from Ukraine during covid. I think she chose Ukraine because someone she knew had adopted a child from there.

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She truly cares and feels deeply invested in the kids but, sadly, some aren’t. She agrees that most children would be better served through orphanages.

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that’s such a neat story.

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If you don't mind what were their situations?

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The couple that prepared my husband and I for marriage at our church is one of them. The wife said she was at a Catholic Charities event and there was information about adopting kids from foster care. She put her name on a list and months later she was contacted. She and husband had 2 bio kids and wanted another one but it just never happened. Their bio kids are blonde haired blue eyed the adopted son is too. It’s such a funny coincidence. That son is a senior in high school or college freshman to give an idea or when the adoption happened.

My daughter’s friend’s parents are two moms. I know my daughter’s friend was born addicted to drugs but I’m not sure about her little brother. They adopted him in the fall as a baby. I don’t know how old he was when they first got him but he was like 6 or 7 months old when the adoption was finalized.

The interracial couple fostered regularly. Their foster babies (and previously adopted son) went to the same daycare as my daughter. Coincidentally, their adopted son was in the same class as my daughter and her adopted friend. Her husband coaches at one of the universities in town.

I went to high school with the mom of the last couple. She got pregnant young like at 18, had the child and eventually married the dad. Then she got breast cancer at 21. The chemo rendered her infertile. She’s a neonatal nurse now and started fostering babies. She and her husband got to adopt one who is 6 now.

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I do think it comes back to we have to praise people as a society who create and raise families.

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Society treats parents so oddly. Because I have big kids and a baby, people always feel obligated to explain to me why they have the number of kids they have and it’s always “Kids are so expensive!”

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Do you mind if I ask why Russia for your adoption?

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At the time we were considering adoption, The Hague Convention was still working to establish the framework for international adoption to assure that kids legally had no guardians and to prevent child trafficking. At the time, Russia, Ukraine and China were the only 3 countries allowing international adoption. Russia had already partially shut it down by banning most American adoption agencies despite more than 600,000 successful adoptions to American couples. That’s why our adoption was “private” and we did all the court dates and meetings in person instead of through an agency.

We chose international adoption over American adoption bc the laws here heavily favor birth parents, sometimes to the heartbreaking detriment of the adoptive families. Rightfully, birth parents have a period of time within they can change their mind. However, it comes at a soul crushing loss to parents who’ve already become attached to a child who’s been with them for weeks or even months as parents. That was a risk I couldn’t take on an emotional level. I knew that it would break me.

We ultimately chose Russia over China from a practical standpoint with race. While I have no issues adopting outside of my race, it does present particular hurdles for children with parents of a different race. It’s immediately apparent to anyone that the child was adopted and that part of their history is out of their control, on full display publicly. Some kids don’t think twice about it but some kids really struggle with it.

We’ve always been open with our son about his birth beginning at 12 months with fairytales about how angel’s led us to him bc he was born to be ours. He’s also been very open about being adopted with his peers but it’s always been HIS choice. I wanted my child to be able to control his own narrative.

When our son was 6, I fell in love with a baby girl in a Nigerian orphanage. I struggled hard with the decision to adopt her or not and race played no role in our decision to not go forward. Another couple who had no other children also loved her and I knew she was going to a good home. After parenting an adopted child for 5 years, I felt comfortable enough in my own parenting abilities to take on the additional hurdles interracial adoption presents. I know I would have been a fantastic mother to her even though she would have less control over her own story.

Anyway, I’ve already said more than probably interests you even though it’s only a tiny bit of our thought process. Through training and mentoring other couples beginning adoption, I’ve seen and heard just about everything. It’s been a labor of love for me for 17 years now and I’m just now seeing my son and many of the kids I watch be adopted enter college in a few weeks. I’m so proud of every single one of them AND their parents.

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When he aged out of the system at 18, he was completely on his own. Not long after, he was arrested for armed robbery. That was obviously a terrible decision. He said he felt like he had no options, which I can understand.

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What Is Society’s Responsibility When the Foster System Fails?

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To shame idiots like you that can “understand”why armed robbery would ever be rationalized. That is thug behavior and I’m sorry you got duped, but you did. You can steal anything you need these days from Walgreens, Walmart, etc. I could “understand” why someone needs to do that, but nobody needs to commit armed robbery for any reason. We are a very giving and forgiving society.

Parents need to be responsible for those that they bring into the world. Plenty of adults that want kids can’t have them and could be permanent solutions via adoption, and to me the answer is to make the entire system funnel to that. If they make it to fostering, we are well past the point of putting that kid in a position to succeed. The foster system cannot be relied on, it’s already too late for most that make it that far.

When we start talking about reproductive obligations, rather than rights, we may be able to bridge this gap. That’s where all of this breaks down - the “system” favors natural parents, regardless of their ability to provide. So you have this friction of thinking you have a at out, sometime before birth, that sometimes never shakes off afterwards. This is the true danger that abortion causes. It’s not moral or an infringement of rights - it’s just a practical understanding that you can create problems for someone else, or an innocent baby by not considering who you sleep with.

And I actually like you and an poster and think you mean well. I like that you bring local politics into the discussion because we lose sight of that constantly, and while I’m not sure you always see the other side, you make comments to that affect which makes me think you are genuine. But you do have a lot to learn, I’m sorry for using the term idiot, but I do think you are being one.

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We chose international adoption over American adoption bc the laws here heavily favor birth parents, sometimes to the heartbreaking detriment of the adoptive families. Rightfully, birth parents have a period of time within they can change their mind. However, it comes at a soul crushing loss to parents who’ve already become attached to a child who’s been with them for weeks or even months as parents. That was a risk I couldn’t take on an emotional level. I knew that it would break me.

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That was a similar thought to what we had, the attachment would have been heart destroying if we had to give one up after having raised them for years.

I totally understand how brutal that would have been.

Having already had kids, it was an easier call to not go down the foster route.