The Expendables(Not a movie/tv board topic) this transcends that..

NOTE: I had to make this review in 2 posts so that it meets the TD criteria of 7900 characters or less.

Expendable: Capable of being sacrificed in order to accomplish a military objective.



Uhh Spoilers. I fricking guess.

It's no secret to anyone that knows Michael J Cocks IRL or in any way as an acquaintance, I've been waiting for this movie since I heard it got green lit like 3 summers ago. Here is just my little synopsis and reason on why everyone else should go see this and love it as much as I do.

So basically they(the writers) want us to believe a bunch of Blackwater type Mercs are about to involve themselves in a mission that isn't really worth the $130K they pay you every 4 months with 30 days paid leave. But I see it like this: It's Stallone, Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Terry "Cheeseburger Eddie" Crews and Mickey Rourke on the same squad vs 80,000 Cocaine induced South Americans led by Eric Roberts, Stone Cold Steve Austin and I'm thinking a defective Dolph Lundgren.....so clearly Eric Roberts and his South Americans are outnumbered.

SO NOW FOR A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE EXPENDABLES
The Leader: Barney "Schizo" Ross(played by Stallone)


lolz, remember that Brisk Commercial?


The Backup: Lee Christmas



(not to be confused with Lloyd Christmas)


Played by Jason Statham. Christmas is former SAS and some kind of savant with Blades or anything sharp. Seems to have a good, although very competitive relationship with Barney Schizo.

Next we have "Yin Yang" played by Jet Li. WOW! what kind of racist shite is that? they could have came with a much better Asian name than that in my opinion, but whatever. What would make it funnier though is if he had a twin and they both screamed random loud shite all the time as they sipped crunk juice from a "Pimp" sippy cup.



So "Yang" is a master at close quarter combat. They really give no other back history other than that, but I'd imagine he's some kind of Chinese spook that made friends with these guys for making fun of his size or lack there of.



Kind of excited to see Randy Couture in his first major role in a big box office movie. He plays "Toll Road". uh wait, oh yeah nm, I said that right.
That's not real original and kind of a rip off of GI Joe's "Road Block". But I guess on the flip side if you were in a bar and a guy spilled a drink on you and then told you his name was "Toll Road" I'm not sure I'd want to try whipping his arse or anything. Just Because!



Now last but certainly not mother frickin least!

Hale Caesar played by none other than Terry Crews. Probably better known as his roles as Damien OG Triple OG from Friday 3(and instead of calling it "The Friday After Next, they should have called it "Friday: Not This shite Again!"
DAMIAN OG TRIPLE OG



or maybe PRESIDENT CAMACHO!


But perhaps my favorite role ever...
CHEESEBURGER EDDY


Anyhow, Terry Crews basically plays Stallone's longtime friend "Hale Caesar"(arguably the coolest mother frickin name ever) who is some kind of expert in long barrel weapons. He seems to be the most loyal to Stallone's character and does whatever is asked of him. Terry Crews easily has the best character name ever "Hale Caesar"....that's just so fricking cool. I really don't even need to elaborate or make up a scenario on how cool that name would be while used in a sentence. You pretty much just don't frick with a gentleman named "Hale Caesar" especially when he's a 6"3" 240 lbs of solid muscle having black guy.



unlike Statham's character who is very good friends with Barney, but there seems to be an almost sibling rivalry going on between the 2.

Mickey Rourke plays "Tool" and seems to be the black market guy that can get his hands on any kind of weapon and intel as well. He seems to be a real veteran of the group and is more administrative, logistical and relied on for his wisdom and advice.

NOW FOR THE BAD GUYS!
David Zayas, the guy that played Enrique Morales on "Oz" plays General Garza...



A guy that clearly has no idea how fricking bad arse the expendables are. This would be like Timmy from South Park picking a fight with Brock Lesnar. Or better yet, Redneck calling out PPPPJJJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So a mysterious church offers Barney "The Schizo" Ross and his men a job no one else would take.(Well of course not, no one else is as bad arse and has a 74 lb nut sack like Stallone and his band of Expendables) Well Barney and his men embark on what appears to be a routine mission(LOL, yeah right, that would make for a great action movie) to overthrow General Garza(dude from Oz) the murderous, Pablo Escobar like dictator of the small island country of Vilena.
"relax guy, he's not that bad!"


Well on a Recon mission to Vilena, Barney meets his contact, a female freedom fighter named Sandra.
SANDRA


Well of course she has to be hot, not some local Booger like most female freedom fighters I've seen in my day that can just give out info/intel and move on back to their village...



Turns out Sandra is a local freedom fighter with a dark secret. The Expendables also come to learn who their true enemy is....wait for it.............

Rogue Ex-CIA Operative Eric Roberts lulz. Who really hasn't kicked much arse in a long fricking time. And his performance in Best of the Best was whack at best. I was like 10 when "Best of the Best" came out and I know I could have Tae Kwon Do'd the shite out of him then, he never impressed me. The Pony Tail was bitch made and it's hard to take a movie seriously where Chris Penn is one of the best martial artists in the United States(and he wears a fricking Cowboys Hat).



BUT, along with Eric Roberts bitch arse he happens to have a pretty fricking bad arse Ace up his sleeve in the form of henchman "Dan Paine" aka STONE COLD STEVE MOTHER frickIN AUSTIN!

I once watched him beat down Brock Lesnar so bad that I forgot what I was watching.