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Posted on 8/10/19 at 10:57 am to Jim Rockford
quote:
And if they don't all the hard work in the world won't change it. In the movies, persistence =success. IRL it makes you a creeper and might get you a restraining order. If you don't have a clear indication your interest is reciprocated, move on.
Yeah, this is true. I had to back off a week ago or so. We were talking, mentioning going places together, then radio silence. So I took the suggestions of others and have left it completely alone.
We'll run into each other soon enough and maybe have a conversation. But I have to reel it all back in and go back to just being friends until something changes. If it does at all.
Women can be extremely difficult. There's no real way of understanding why they do some of the things they do.
In the end though, it can all turn out worthwhile if you work at it. More and more as I'm single, I start to appreciate the good qualities my ex-wife had. Not saying I'd want to marry her again or anything, but it wasn't all bad. Loyalty is hard to find these days.
Posted on 8/10/19 at 11:03 am to Joshjrn
quote:
1/200 seems overly pessimistic to me, but let's play with that number for a bit.
I'd say I would be willing to date ~3/100 and 1/6 feels right for the odds of it having long-term viability.
quote:
that leaves you with roughly 170,000 people.
In my opinion, that number is fricking staggering by comparison to the generally pessimistic and myopic views on "the one" most people seem to have.
I agree that is different and more realistic than what a lot of people tell themselves. I was just arguing semantics, but agree with your overall assertion.
Posted on 8/10/19 at 11:11 am to EarlyCuyler3
quote:
In the end though, it can all turn out worthwhile if you work at it. More and more as I'm single, I start to appreciate the good qualities my ex-wife had. Not saying I'd want to marry her again or anything, but it wasn't all bad. Loyalty is hard to find these days.
On this note, people absolutely need to be able to rationally decide when to cut ties. But, on the other hand, I find people tend to grass-is-greener in all risk little reward situations.
Let's say, hypothetically, your current relationship of five years has you at a 92/100 on the long term happiness scale. And you meet someone at work who would put you at 94/100 (we are assuming perfect knowledge, for the sake of this hypothetical).
Once you factor in growing pains of the new relationship, animosity from leaving your current relationship (your family, her family, her friends, her, etc) leaving your current relationship for the two point hypothetical uptick is almost certainly the wrong call.
If you can go from a happiness rating of 53 to 94, take that shite and run, but jumping from one relationship to another chasing "the one" that almost certainly doesn't exist is going to leave you bitter and alone. If you were truly happy with the one you've got before the new patch of grass showed up, stay with them. You're almost certainly going to get burned by leaving a wake of destruction behind you while chasing minor potential gains.
This post was edited on 8/10/19 at 11:14 am
Posted on 8/10/19 at 12:23 pm to Joshjrn
quote:
Once you factor in growing pains of the new relationship, animosity from leaving your current relationship (your family, her family, her friends, her, etc) leaving your current relationship for the two point hypothetical uptick is almost certainly the wrong call.
These are all short term consequences though. I'd argue that you should still realize the gains in the long term and overall it should be worth it.
Posted on 8/10/19 at 1:03 pm to Joshjrn
quote:
On this note, people absolutely need to be able to rationally decide when to cut ties. But, on the other hand, I find people tend to grass-is-greener in all risk little reward situations.
And in this scenario, there is hardly ever an innocent party. Usually both people have fault in the relationship. And when you abandon ship over it, you just take the same faults with you to the next relationship. Sometimes there is no other option. But usually we would be better served putting more effort into the current relationship.
Posted on 8/10/19 at 1:12 pm to Gray12
My wife and I operate on the same frequency and it's been like that since we met 10 years ago. The love was instant and it was deep. There has been some work, but I wouldn't call it hard work. More like fine tuning.
Posted on 8/10/19 at 2:03 pm to WhiskeyThrottle
quote:
oughly 50% of people find true love on their first attempt. The other 50%. . . Decide to keep looking.
Roughly 50% of statistics are a total load of crap. The other 50% are mostly crap.
Posted on 8/10/19 at 2:09 pm to LSUsuperfresh
quote:
These are all short term consequences though. I'd argue that you should still realize the gains in the long term and overall it should be worth it.
We could quibble over the wisdom of this, but the reality is that you won't have perfect information; you have your best guess that maybe this person might make you a little bit happier in the future. Ton of risk, very little reward.
Posted on 8/10/19 at 2:19 pm to Joshjrn
quote:let's ask why it's primarily females doing this...
but jumping from one relationship to another chasing "the one" that almost certainly doesn't exist is going to leave you bitter and alone. If you were truly happy with the one you've got before the new patch of grass showed up, stay with them. You're almost certainly going to get burned by leaving a wake of destruction behind you while chasing minor potential gains.
Posted on 8/10/19 at 2:49 pm to Gray12
Coincidence followed by an ability to honestly evaluate the common qualities of the other person.
“Don’t fool yourself” is how I explained it to my kids.
“Don’t fool yourself” is how I explained it to my kids.
This post was edited on 8/10/19 at 2:51 pm
Posted on 8/10/19 at 2:58 pm to Gray12
I have done both.
I gave up on luck and the universes aligning and am doing the work.
I gave up on luck and the universes aligning and am doing the work.
Posted on 8/10/19 at 4:04 pm to Gray12
“You don’t choose who you love. “
Posted on 8/10/19 at 5:05 pm to Pectus
A lot of me wonders if I made a mistake when I walked away from the loyal girl, who worked hard, and really cared.
Posted on 8/10/19 at 5:21 pm to Joshjrn
quote:
We could quibble over the wisdom of this
Isn't that why the internet was created?
Posted on 8/10/19 at 5:37 pm to LSUsuperfresh
quote:
These are all short term consequences though. I'd argue that you should still realize the gains in the long term and overall it should be worth it.
There probably isn’t a long term gain in this scenario.
Everyone has a baseline “happiness level”, so while this new chick bumps you two basis points, once the honeymoon phase is over, you’ll likely revert back to your baseline.
And that’s assuming that you’re assessment is accurate and accounting for any ways your new chick might bring your level down that your current wife does not.
Edit: I see the guy you replied to already covered this.
This post was edited on 8/10/19 at 5:43 pm
Posted on 8/10/19 at 6:10 pm to Gray12
quote:
When you meet that one special one
The truth is that statistically speaking there is no special "one." That type of thinking leads to oneitis and a life of minivans, bad movies, expensive gifts, chores, fatness, depression, and a relationship bereft of sex.
There are billions of people on this planet. The probability that you and "the one" would ever meet, or even speak the same language or both be single, is virtually nil. There are millions/billions of combinations of people who are compatible to varying degrees. There are probably hundreds/thousands within your own state that would rate as having an equally high level of compatibility with you. Your job is find access to these people and make sure that you have enough marketplace value so that these women don't find you repulsive when they meet you. There are a lot of women you'd be happy with, and they with you, but if you look like that monster from the Goonies they'll be less likely to give you a chance.
The happiest relationships are typically with people who had many other options but chose to be with each other.
This post was edited on 8/10/19 at 6:18 pm
Posted on 8/10/19 at 8:40 pm to Pecker
Random maybe. My wife and I sat next to each other on a flight from Rome to JFK. I had her and her parents phone numbers before the plane landed.
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