Post your funniest joke

I was eating at a restaurant the other day and noticed my waitress had a black eye, so I ordered very slowly because obviously that bitch doesn't listen.

Given the way a Asians drive, I'm convinced Pearl Harbor was an accident.

Called the rape advice hotline. Turns out it's just for victims.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
Gloves. Just kidding he's still trying to open the presents.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer? I care when my computer crashes.

Studies say that 9 out of 10 participants enjoy gang rape.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About half way.

Why do women get yeast infections?
So they know what it's like to live with an irritating count.

What's the best part about having sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

quote:

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Knock knock

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Who's there?

How about a few old punch lines?

So the bear grabbed him and wiped his butt with him.

Rectum? Damn near killed him!!!

And the bartender said "Me too, Mine is as big as a hat"

And the parrot says "Africa".

So Sister Theresa says "I want to gargle with the water before Sister Mary Katherine sits in it".

quote:

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How about a few old punch lines?

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I'll have a coke then

LINK

I thought two Jews did that.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor,
“Where should I put my pants ?"
“Over there by mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said that if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my arse to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."

A church gets a brand new preacher that looks just like Conway Twitty. He arrives in town on a Thursday and meets with a few of the deacons, and they tell him he should go out and visit and introduce himself to some the members.

So he gets a directory and heads out. He knocks on the first door and this old lady answers and just about falls down! Starts screaming, "Oh my god it's Conway Twitty!!!" He calms her down and explains to her that he's not Conway, he's the new preacher. They visit a minute and he moves on.

The next two houses he goes to it's pretty much the same thing, and he has to explain who he is and that he's not Conway.

Well the next house he's going to is the home of a 24 year old young lady who is absurdly gorgeous, a real stunner. She was just getting out of the shower when he knocked on the door. She wraps a towel around her and goes to answer. When she opens the door and sees the preacher she throws her arms in the air, drops the towel, and says OMG you're Conway Twitty!!!

The preacher smiles and says, "Well, hello darlin!"