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Message
re: Post your funniest joke
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:18 am to TheJunction
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:18 am to TheJunction
What do broccoli and anal sex have in common?
If you're forced to try it as a kid then you probably won't like it as an adult.
If you're forced to try it as a kid then you probably won't like it as an adult.
1
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:19 am to TheJunction
You're Thor?!?! I can hardly walk!
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:21 am to burdman
quote:
How about just a good ole zinger. The jerk store called and they're running out of you!
You watched Seinfeld yesterday too?
This post was edited on 5/30/15 at 9:22 am
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:23 am to TheJunction
My wife is weird... She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:25 am to Tigris
A husband and wife are winding down for the night and preparing for bed. The husband walks out of the bathroom holding a chicken and approaches his wife.
Husband: You see honey, this is the pig I have to frick when you have a headache.
Wife: that's not a pig, you're holding a chicken.
Husband: I wasn't talking to you.
Husband: You see honey, this is the pig I have to frick when you have a headache.
Wife: that's not a pig, you're holding a chicken.
Husband: I wasn't talking to you.
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:27 am to TDsngumbo
quote:
I was eating at a restaurant the other day and noticed my waitress had a black eye, so I ordered very slowly because obviously that bitch doesn't listen.
Called the rape advice hotline. Turns out it's just for victims.
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas? Gloves. Just kidding he's still trying to open the presents.
Studies say that 9 out of 10 participants enjoy gang rape.
Why do women get yeast infections? So they know what it's like to live with an irritating count.
What's the best part about having sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
I read these to my wife...... She didn't think they were anywhere near as funny as I did.
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:29 am to TheJunction
An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...
...And I only know this because they won't shut the hell up about it.
...And I only know this because they won't shut the hell up about it.
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:30 am to BayouBandit24
Yep
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:32 am to TheJunction
What rock group has four men that don't sing?
Mount Rushmore
Mount Rushmore
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:34 am to TheJunction
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You fricking bastard!" The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
This post was edited on 5/30/15 at 10:17 am
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:37 am to LSUsuperfresh
Original ad:
I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.
From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org
Hello,
I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.
When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.
From marty ******* to Me
absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty,
You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?
Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.
How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty,
I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?
I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."
From marty ******* to Me
Hey listen a-hole. You are a frickin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a fricking fridge up there is with an elevator. frick off.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.
Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.
So see you Tuesday?
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
shut the frick up.
I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.
From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org
Hello,
I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.
When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.
From marty ******* to Me
absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty,
You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?
Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.
How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty,
I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?
I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."
From marty ******* to Me
Hey listen a-hole. You are a frickin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a fricking fridge up there is with an elevator. frick off.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.
Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.
So see you Tuesday?
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
shut the frick up.
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:37 am to TheJunction
I think my family is racist...
...I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family. My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.
...I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family. My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:38 am to TheJunction
guy walks into a doctors office
guy: *hoarse voice* "doc, I lost my voice"
doc: "I think I know what it is. I noticed you have a 2ft cock. I think the weight is pulling down on your vocal cords"
guy: *hoarse voice* "can you fix it??"
doc: I can cut off 12 inches. that should help
guy: *hoarse voice* "ok sounds good"
2 weeks later
guy: "doc I feel great. I can finally talk and I don't mind having a 12in dick. just curious, though, what did you do with the other half?
doc: *hoarse voice* it's around here somewhere
guy: *hoarse voice* "doc, I lost my voice"
doc: "I think I know what it is. I noticed you have a 2ft cock. I think the weight is pulling down on your vocal cords"
guy: *hoarse voice* "can you fix it??"
doc: I can cut off 12 inches. that should help
guy: *hoarse voice* "ok sounds good"
2 weeks later
guy: "doc I feel great. I can finally talk and I don't mind having a 12in dick. just curious, though, what did you do with the other half?
doc: *hoarse voice* it's around here somewhere
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:41 am to GeorgeTheGreek
Is that from textastrophe?
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:42 am to burdman
emails from an a-hole
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:45 am to Carson123987
quote:
emails from an a-hole
A few of those have seriously cracked me up, especially the shovel seller.
This post was edited on 5/30/15 at 9:46 am
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:49 am to Carson123987
one day, Lizard is walking thorugh the woods. he smells something funny and looks up to see Koala smoking a blunt in a tree. Lizard says "let me smoke that blunt." Koala nods--an affirmation. Lizard goes up the tree and smokes.
after a few minutes, Lizard says "I got cottonmouth real bad. im going get some water." he climbs down the tree and goes to the river and starts to drink, but he loses his balance and falls into the river.
as he's trying to stay afloat, he feels something pushing him up. he looks down and notices that he's on Alligator's nose. He says "How can I repay you? Koala is smoking a blunt in this tree if you want some" Gator says ok
Gator is walking through the woods and looks up to see Koala. Koala looks down and says "daaaaaaaamn, lizard, how much water you drank?!"
this one is very dependent on the delivery
after a few minutes, Lizard says "I got cottonmouth real bad. im going get some water." he climbs down the tree and goes to the river and starts to drink, but he loses his balance and falls into the river.
as he's trying to stay afloat, he feels something pushing him up. he looks down and notices that he's on Alligator's nose. He says "How can I repay you? Koala is smoking a blunt in this tree if you want some" Gator says ok
Gator is walking through the woods and looks up to see Koala. Koala looks down and says "daaaaaaaamn, lizard, how much water you drank?!"
this one is very dependent on the delivery
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:49 am to TheJunction
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one"
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:50 am to Carson123987
Boy comes home from college at Thanksgiving and at the dinner table his dad asks him how things are going at school, kid replies everything is great but I think my roommate is gay, dad says what makes you think that, son replies his dick tastes like shite.
Posted on 5/30/15 at 9:52 am to TheJunction
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in a glass of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
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