After an overwhelmingly positive response to Part 1 (Bad Breath) of this 3-part series, I'm excited to bring you Part 2 - Body Odor.

This is the second B of the Three B's:

Breath
B/O
Body Hair

After getting your breath right (or at least trying to) let's move to Step 2 of your transformation from a smelly, unkempt, degenerate, into a beautiful swan - a manly, gun-owning, beer-drinking, female-swan-loving swan.

Part 2: Body Odor

Your s/o thinks you're fine because she's grown accustomed to the foul odor emanating from that sloppy mess you call a body. She's used to it so that makes it okay, right? Wrong. That makes you both gross. Now tell her to apologize for enabling you.

You use the same soap on your butt (when you wash it), your feet (when you wash them), your face (when you wash it) and back (when you wash it). Generally speaking you wash your hair. And if you're in a hurry you'll simply use shampoo lather to wipe your body down. If you have time, you may grab a bar of soap, rub your stomach, your legs and your junk. A quick pass through the cheeks and you're done. You're happy to hit that routine once a day, maybe once every two days. You're an abomination.

I clean my butt like there's food about to be served on it. Is that because I think I'm going to get my butt licked every night. No, but I don't want to have to stop her if she tries. nah mean?

I don't care what stinky British doctors say about natural skin oil, and not needing to shower ever day. They have goofy accents and it's been 240 years since their opinions mattered. I submit to you this axiom: you must clean your arse every day.

You don't have to wash your hair every day (and it's actually better not to) unless you're sweating. But when you do wash your hair, do it right.

The below routine assumes you're washing your hair:

Step 1: Shampoo. Work up a lather. Let it sit. Then rinse. Then repeat. Yes, repeat.

Step 2: Scrub Your Body. Wash it properly - everywhere. Feet, butt, back, neck, chest, legs, arms, bellybutton. Stop ignoring body parts you arbitrarily decided don't matter. Use a loofah, not a damp rag that's been hanging in your shower for 2 years and has foliage growing on it.

Step 3: Dry Properly. Like drying a car, you want to use the drying period to remove any dirt that wasn't knocked off during washing. Air-drying is filthy. Take a towel to your body and scrub your body dry - everywhere.

Pro-tip 1 : the more powerful water pressure, the better. Find a shower head that can create a powerful stream.

Pro-tip 2: Use a loofah but buy packs of 5 at a time. They need to be replaced often. I replace mine after 2 weeks max. To not replace your loofahs is to spread bacteria, fungus and mold over your clean body. You just soiled yourself.

"But Pecker, this is all so basic. Doesn't everyone do this already?" No. You probably don't do it either. You haven't properly washed your back and feet in years. Don't lie to me. We're going to knock this dirty funk off your body, and we're going to do it as a team. And by team I mean that I'm going to remind you not to skip steps, and you're going to clean your body.

Join me tomorrow as we discuss how to manage that filthy fur that's taking over your body.

This post was edited on 6/6/18 at 7:34 pm