Personal Hygiene & Grooming Talk: Part 1 - Bad Breath

We've talked physical fitness. We've talked hair and skincare. Now it's time to discuss PH&G, as I like to call it.

Before we get into the deets, we need to start with the basics.

The Three B's:
Breath
B/O
Body Hair

I know you think you're fine. If by fine you mean you haven't properly cleaned your arse and gooch since ever, then yeah, you're fine. You're more than likely not fine at all.

In fact, you're so not fine that you wouldn't know what it's like to actually see your butthole in the mirror because of the filthy forest of nastiness that's been growing (unchecked) between your cheeks since you were 12. You're probably wondering why anyone would need to turn around (or bend over) and see their butthole in the mirror. That's a good question. The answer is don't worry about it. You're missing the point: you've got some gross stuff going on with your body.

Let's start with Step 1 of your transformation from a smelly, unkempt, degenerate, into a beautiful swan - a manly swan, that looks and smells good like Brad Pitt in Troy, or Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black, or Brad Pitt on a random Wednesday.

In this 3-Part series, we'll discuss how to get your body right.


Part 1: Breath

Your routine is cemented at this point. You brush the same 10-15 teeth every day and can't remember when you flossed for more than 15 seconds. You probably don't know what it's like to not live with that little, fermented, plaqued-over piece of pizza crust from 6 months ago. You don't even smell it anymore because the smell has become a natural odor for you.

So let's get ya breath right:

Step 1: Electric Toothbrush. This is a must. There's no room for negotiation here. And get good brush heads. Yes, 3 brush heads for $30 is a racket. But the alternative is poverty brush heads that are basically the equivalent of wiping your teeth with a hand towel.

Step 2: Proper Flossing. Hit every tooth on both sides, gently using the floss to scrape the sides, front and back of teeth. Take your time and do it right.

Step 3: Brush your tongue. Get as far back as you can without gagging yourself. For some of you closeted fruits this will feel natural. Brush the sides and underside of your tongue as well

Step 4: Quality Mouthwash. Get off ya grampa's Listerine. That alcohol just dries out your mouth. There's Smart Mouth mouthwash, and then there's everything else. Is it cheap? No. Is your breath f'd up? Yes. Get good mouthwash.


Pro-tip 1: For hard to reach areas, especially after a messy meal, use a tool like this. (GUM Go-Betweens Proxabrush Cleaners)


Pro-tip 2: sugar will make your breath foul. It's the root cause of stank - even between cleaning sessions. So if during the day you drink a liter of cola (which I find unacceptable, but you're a grown man/woman), simply rinsing your mouth with water afterward can prevent the bacteria in your mouth from feeding on the remnants of that sugar and turning your mouth into a dumpster.



This is your routine every morning and night. No more 30-second sessions. "But Pecker, that seems like a lot of work!" Yeah, you know what else is a lot of work? Standing next to you while you blow your moist arse breath in my face.

Clean teeth and fresh breath will make you feel better about communicating with people, and will remove the awkwardness that everyone else has been experiencing by trying to avoid the foul odor that's been emanating from you for years.