quote:
This is gonna be very long, sorry about that.

My parents were high school sweethearts, they started dating when they were both 16, they dated for 4 years and then my mom(59F) got pregnant with my oldest sister(39F) then my dad(59M) did ''the right thing'', he dropped out of college (he was on the path to medical school, it was his dream to become a doctor), married mom and started working at a desk job at my grandpa(80M) company, my parents later ''had'' three other kids, my older sisters (35F),(33F) and me (30F).

My childhood was pretty normal, dad worked, mom stayed at home taking care of me and my sisters, dad was always very present in our lives, I and my sisters were always daddy's girls, we were very attached to him, I was particularly close to him, we had a really deep bond, when I was 13 I was diagnosed with leukemia and he never left my side, he held my hand during chemo sessions during the whole time, he consoled me when I had my first heartbreak and assured me that everything would be alright, he taught me how to drive, he walked me down the aisle 3 years ago when I married my husband and told me that was one of the happiest days of his life, I was always his favorite as well...

My parents were happy, I never saw them fighting or anything like that, my dad took my mom on date nights at least twice a week, he spoiled her a LOT and they seem really in love. My parents were the perfect couple, everyone saw them as something flawless, an example of true love. My mom was my dad only one, and dad ''was'' mom only one, it was something that he was very proud of that it was really special for him, I felt really bad when I lost my virginity to my ex-boyfriend and realized that I couldn't ever have the same thing as my parents.

My dad's mom died during birth and grandpa raised him as a single parent, he never remarried (or dated anyone after her death as far as I know), grandpa refused to talk about grandma, it was very painful for him. he never met anyone from grandma's side of the family and grandpa didn't talk much about her. In June I bought a 23andme kit for me and dad, I thought that would be cool to see if he had any relatives on grandma's side and we did the tests together.

We did the tests, I found out that I had 2 half brothers and that we shared the same father. We were honestly confused, I and dad didn't understand that, we thought that this was a mistake when we told mom about this she froze, she started crying, we pressured her a bit more and that's when she confessed about her 11-year-old affair with one of my dad's friend, he was our neighbor at a certain point of our lives and he was in the same class as dad and mom, I remember seeing him around when I was a kid, he was a close friend of the family. Dad was in denial, he thought that it was a mistake, I and my sisters ended up doing the test at a hospital, 8 days later the results arrived, neither of us was a match.

For the first time in 30 years of my life, I saw my dad cry, not a normal cry, sobbing, like a kid. We tried to talk to him, he got up, grabbed his keys and left, we tried to call like a hundred times and he didn't answer, my mom was having a panic attack so my oldest sister took her to the hospital.

We didn't hear from dad for 3 whole days.

We searched for him everywhere.

Eventually, my grandpa found him at the family fishing cabin, he had hanged himself.

He didn't leave any notes or anything like that.

In 9 days I discovered that my mom had an 11-year affair, that my dad wasn't my biological father and that he took his own life.

It.

Broke.

Me.

His funeral was another mess, my dad's side of the family got into a fight with my mom's side of the family, my grandpa and uncles ended up kicking my mom out of the funeral, it was a disaster, the first time I saw my grandpa crying as well, it was something I wish I hadn't seen it. He entered a really deep depression after that, he barely speaks anymore.

After the funeral, neither I or my sisters could look at mom anymore, we just couldn't. I can look my sisters in the eye as well, and I blame myself every day for suggesting that fricking stupid test.

Thanksgiving this year was the first time we didn't celebrate as a family (in 33 fricking years), I can't look at my mother anymore, she spends her days staring at a wall, her side of the family is pressuring me and my sisters to reestablish contact but I just can't (my sisters are also not speaking to her since the funeral).

I found out that I am pregnant last week (I and my husband have been trying for the last two years) and I not even happy, I feel hopeless, I feel broken, sometimes I start to think about dad and my heart looks like it is going to explode I fricking miss him so much.

Have anyone been in a similar situation?

How do I survive this fricking guilt?

How the hell I move past this?

Any advice is really appreciated.

And they found the father

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He died 10 years ago.

I contacted one of my ''brothers'' and I spoke to him about everything, he was not surprised, ''our'' father (i felt sick writing this, holy shite) was an alcoholic deadbeat, he cheated on his wife, she found out, divorced him and after the divorce, he couldn't care less about his sons. (what a fricking surprise)

TL;DR

Man dreams of being surgeon, high school sweetheart getz pregnant, he drops out of school gets job at dad's company eventually has 3 more daughters in a seemingly perfect and happy marriage, treats the daughtersand wife very well makes really good money etc., 2 become surgeons.

Youngest daughter gets 23andme test, they find out none of the daughters are his. Turns out his wife had an 11 year affair with old high school acquaintance who was a huge POS.

Man hangs himself.

This post was edited on 11/29/20 at 8:54 pm