Long time lurker, first time poster. Figured this might be as good as time as any to post.

I've lost the will to live. My body has failed me and there's no joy left. I was fading even before 2020 and this whole pandemic but I think 2020 is going to finish me off.

People try to tell me it'll get better but of course it never does. People tell me that at 36 I'm still young and the future is what I make it. But that's not true, my future has already been stripped from me. My best days are already in the past.
I'm a 36 year old trapped in the body of a 66 year old or 76 year old. I have Eosinophillic Asthma which requires me to take 4 different medications. I still feel like the Asthma controls me instead of the other way around. I see other people who talk about being an Asthmatic like it defines their life. That's all I am now, a disease? A disease that defines my life?

Besides the Asthma I have hereditary High Blood Pressure, yep I can thank my family genetics for that. I also suffer from issues with my Gastrointestinal tract that have often caused me to burp a lot and have heartburn. I have also suffer from persistent Hemorrhoids. Tried doing the Hemorrhoidal banding method, nope the Hemorrhoids came back.

While none of these medical issues by themselves are disabling, together they just attack me from all angles. My body at 36 has already betrayed me.
But no it gets worse. 2 1/2 years ago my Asthma acted up on a flight. I thought for about 10 minutes that I was going to die or have to ask if there was a doctor on board. I've never been so happy to get off a flight in my life. In hindsight I like having the air vent on a plane blowing right in my face which my main doctor thinks caused my throat to dry out. That then caused me to get anxious which then activated my Asthma. All my doctor did was tell me to take a 50mg Prednisone tablet and a 0.25mg Xanax tablet before flying.

I've done small flights in the last 2 1/2 years but only four round trips. One time I tried to fly without taking my Prednisone tablet and while it wasn't terrible I was drinking water like crazy to keep from being dehydrated. But no one, not my regular doctor or a Pulmonologist I saw, seems to care. I think they think it's all in my head. It's not. But they don't care, no one cares. And I don't blame them, most of the time I feel like I'm not worth caring for. I'm not a good person.
I used to love roller coaster and thrill rides but can't go on them now because of high blood pressure. I love traveling but feel like my love of traveling is going to be taken away if I can't fly long distances. No one knows any of this and I feel completely alone. If I can't travel over the long term I will kill myself, it'll just be a matter of time. My body is torturing me anyway. I know it'll slowly but surely take away anything I used to love.

I don't feel like there's any joy in my life anymore. That's there's nothing to look forward to. I have failed in life. I have failed physically, mentally and spiritually. I'm not married, I don't have any kids, I live by myself. The world doesn't need me. Very people would cry if I died.

My best days are in the past and only pain, suffering and loneliness is in my future. The best part of my day is when I'm asleep. My dreams are the only time I truly feel alive at this point. It's a horrible outlook I know but I'm just beaten down at this point.