re: Mom is going to a nursing home (Updated pg 7)

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We’ve talked and have came to decision that her going to the nursing home that my grandma was at is the best option. My stepdad did the best he could taking care of her, but she’s prone to falling plus the dementia it’s best to get her more advanced care and take the pressure off of him.

I’m not proud of it, but I think the positives outweigh the negatives. I’ll visit her every day and I don’t think she’ll notice the difference.

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I was faced with this same decision 6 years ago. I had been taking care of my Dad by myself for a long time and while he didn't dementia, he was having some memory issues and the final nail was he started falling. I came home from work several times and found him on the floor and he had been there for hours. So believe me when I say I know how tough this choice was. I had always prayed that it would never come to that but it did. Be prepared for a tough transition for mom and the rest of your family. I would advise you to not visit everyday. I did that and I came to realize that I was sort of a crutch. When I was visiting everyday he came to expect that I would be there doing everything for him and not letting the staff help him. As it was I still visited 3-4 times a week but Covid made it real tough because we could visit at all. Prayers to you buddy.

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When I was visiting everyday he came to expect that I would be there doing everything for him and not letting the staff help him.

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I wouldn’t have thought about this…

My wife loves to do 500ct puzzles. We had ten in a box that she had done, and I took it to the local nursing home. It was built about five years ago. Was really impressed by what little I saw. Movie theatre, weight room. Very different from when I was growing up. The nursing homes back in the 60's 70's were eerie as frick. Had to put my father in one for some of his bad bouts of brain cancer. Absolutely hated it.

Hang in there Keltic

Sorry, I was in Nashville when I made the first post and just got back to Bham.

This is going to be long so take your time reading.

This was in KY a couple of years ago. Some background - Mom had a stroke that 100% disabled her. She was single, divorced decades prior and never remarried. I am her only child. She had me on her bank accounts since the 80s in case anything ever happened to her. She did not have a will. I was listed as beneficiary on everything. She owned 1 car and and was still making payments on her home. My mom raised me pretty much by herself after my folks divorced and my dad at that time was a POS. I seen her do without to provide for me what little we had. She did the best she could but it was a struggle. So anyone that wants to say anything about me wanting to protect her assets instead of letting government have it can go frick themselves with a cactus. I mean that with the utmost sincerity.

Prior to ever hiring an elder care attorney, I did some things on my own. It helps being from a small town and knowing ppl. I setup a funeral trust for her using her money which remember, I had access to cause I was on her accounts. That's important because if they go into a nursing home without a funeral trust and their savings gets wiped out, you'll end up paying for their funeral out of your pocket. The nursing home may or may not tell you that when they go in. I wasn't' taking any chances. Mom didn't want to be cremated and I wasn't robbing her of her wishes to be buried. You don't need a lawyer to setup the funeral trust. Contact your funeral home director. Talk to them about the cost of a funeral, headstone, flowers, plot, all that. Hers was around 12K. I put 17K into the funeral trust. The difference came back to me after everything was done some time later.

I got temporary guardianship of her 1 week following her stroke in my hometown. She still had bills to pay and I needed to be her legal representative for other things that came later. Permanent guardianship came months later with another trip to court. I did this by myself, no lawyer needed. Talk to your County Court Clerk and also your County Attorney Office about the forms you'll need to fill out.

With guardianship, the courthouse let me put my name on her cars title. We were listed as joint owners. That was important later, after she passed, when I needed to tag and title the car in Alabama where I live.

When it came to her home, Guardianship and KY law allowed me to put my name on 1 percent ownership on the deed. The reason that was important was because if mom went on Medicaid and they tried to force me to sell the house, I could say no. It never came to that though.

Mom ended up staying at UK hospital for over a month after her stroke and I got the above done during that time. If I had to do over again, I would've left her at UK longer. UK did not push us to get out. The social worker there told me they had ppl in the hospital over a year that had not gotten accepted into a nursing home.

Getting into a nursing home is hard when you are 100% disabled and you don't have a payment source outside of Medicaid. Mom had Social Security and KY Retirement from her job but no long term care insurance. The cost can be 7K - 12K per month depending on location. The Social Worker at UK reached out to nursing homes from KY to AL and I only got 2 calls from interested nursing homes. I ended up putting her into one of the nursing homes in my hometown.

It's at that point I hired an elder care attorney to walk me through how to navigate Medicaid. We setup a "promissory note loan" where I borrowed money from her, all of it, (to reduce her assets) and I made a payment back to her each month. That payment would then be added to her SS and KY retirement check as her patient liability payment to the nursing home. We setup two trusts to accomplish this, an Irrevocable Trust and a QIT Trust (Qualified Income Trust) and also created a "shuffle account". The loaned money would be paid from the IT to the Shuffle Account to her personal checking account to the QIT to the nursing home. What this does is trickles the money to the nursing home in lieu of paying 8K per month and wiping it out in no time. You're still paying but at a much reduced rate each month. Those nursing home specialists will act like they're helping you by asking about your parents assets and finances. They're not helping no one but themselves.

I found out that this Medicaid "sell the home clause" kicks in after a 6 month stay on Medicaid's dime in KY. Her first month was paid by Medicare. So that would've meant she would have needed to be in the nursing home 7 months for them to start trying to force me to sell her home. We never got that far as she passed away beforehand.

Nursing home patients are permitted to have one car without them coming after it.

Just remember, this was in KY, I don't know if any of this would help you where you live. I know some states do not make you sell the home.

That's what I can think of at the moment. If you have questions I'll try to answer.

To add: the best thing to do to get out ahead of Medicaid is to get everything out of your parents name. Medicaid does have "look back periods" to see if you're trying to cheat them LOL. KY was 5 years, but we didn't lose anything other than making a payment each month for those few months she was there.

Setting up trusts is huge in avoiding Medicare making you sell land or homes or spending all their assets.

Thank you for explaining that and what you were able to do. Long term care insurance seems to be running about $2K per year. We aren’t there yet with my relative but it’s always good to be properly prepared.

My mom battled cancer for 5 or so years. The last year she went down pretty quick. She lasted one day at in home hospice care. Still the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. She passed on Oct 27th 2023 and it still feels like it just happened yesterday.

I feel that pain. I'm on FMLA from work to provide in-home hospice care for my wife. We saw her oncologist 2 weeks ago and were told that there's nothing else he can do for her. It's like having a 115 lb. infant. She has to be carried to the bathroom, spoon-fed, etc. She can't stand, speak coherently, type on her phone, etc. If I'm ever going in the direction that she is, I'll end things myself before I'll live my last few weeks/months this way.

My mother father and mil all ended up in nursing homes.. research them but more importantly drop in to see her often.. drop in unannounced and stay a bit.. you want the staff to know you are an involved family.. keeps them on their toes and may focus a little extra on you family..

Bring the staff a treat now and then.. king cake.. cookies .. you want the staff to feel like they are family also..

They are the caregivers and a good or bad one can make a big difference in your moms quality of life.. just the way it is.. and yeah most good… but hate to say it .. to some it is just a job..