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Started By
Message
re: Mitch Hedberg Appreciation Thread (time for another one)
Posted on 3/2/18 at 8:20 am to theunknownknight
Posted on 3/2/18 at 8:20 am to theunknownknight
0
Posted on 3/2/18 at 8:25 am to theunknownknight
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fricked up.
Posted on 3/2/18 at 8:31 am to Eighteen
Friend of mine showed me a picture, and said "here is a picture of you when you were younger."
Every picture of you, is a picture of you when you were younger.
"Here is a picture of you when you were older"
You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off.
Every picture of you, is a picture of you when you were younger.
"Here is a picture of you when you were older"
You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off.
Posted on 3/2/18 at 8:35 am to Roaad
Posted on 3/2/18 at 8:36 am to musick
quote:
•I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, “Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t.’” And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions. It’s very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!
Posted on 3/2/18 at 8:41 am to Roaad
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Posted on 3/2/18 at 8:44 am to Roaad
I've always had Mitch as my favorite comedian since high school, but I admit most of his stuff is goofy, stonerish comments that make me giggle. However, This is just a damned quality joke.
quote:
don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Posted on 3/2/18 at 9:00 am to KG6
Ive always loved this (paraphrasing) "I walked by a dry cleaners at 3am and the sign said sorry were closed. You don't have to be sorry, you're a dry cleaner and its 3am. It's not like I came back in the morning and said Hey I was here at 3am and you were closed. Somebody owes me an apology"
Posted on 3/2/18 at 9:08 am to KG6
quote:True. But some of the things he came up with (escalator/stairs) were just observations that were true, and the way he would state it made it funny as hell. Or it was just a bit of a skewed take on something so normal that you can't help but laugh.
most of his stuff is goofy, stonerish comments that make me giggle
A couple of my favorites...
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls, but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid-back company -- they said, 'frick it. Cut 'em up.'
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shite. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You frickers are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes.
Posted on 3/2/18 at 9:10 am to BatonRougeBuckeye
I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow shite. I said “C’mon, what about some celery? You frickers don’t farm. Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
My personal favorite:
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was “HH”, so I went to the side, I found the “H” button, I pushed it twice. frickin’…potato chips came out, man, because they had an “HH” button for Christ’s sake! I mean you need to let me know. I’m not familiar with the concept of “HH”. I did not learn my AA-BB-CC’s. God god, dammit dammit.
My personal favorite:
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was “HH”, so I went to the side, I found the “H” button, I pushed it twice. frickin’…potato chips came out, man, because they had an “HH” button for Christ’s sake! I mean you need to let me know. I’m not familiar with the concept of “HH”. I did not learn my AA-BB-CC’s. God god, dammit dammit.
This post was edited on 3/2/18 at 9:12 am
Posted on 3/2/18 at 9:13 am to BatonRougeBuckeye
For some reason his bit about the donut and the receipt always cracks me up.
‘I give you the money, you give me the donut. We don’t to bring paper into this transaction. I won’t be returning it later.’
‘I give you the money, you give me the donut. We don’t to bring paper into this transaction. I won’t be returning it later.’
Posted on 3/2/18 at 9:14 am to theunknownknight
Mitch was so awesome.
Posted on 3/2/18 at 9:15 am to SabiDojo
quote:
I thought he was pretty terrible, tbh.
I know. Downvotes are coming.
I like Mitch but I can acknowledge he's among the most overrated comedians ever. Being high as frick and dying early were pretty significant to his legacy.
Posted on 3/2/18 at 9:20 am to theunknownknight
Posted on 3/2/18 at 9:33 am to theunknownknight
[/url][/img] Dang it...didn't see first post....Oh Well...it's a good joke anyway
This post was edited on 3/2/18 at 9:35 am
Posted on 3/2/18 at 9:37 am to GeauxDoc
[/url][/img]
Posted on 3/2/18 at 9:48 am to SportsGuyNOLA
quote:
‘I give you the money, you give me the donut. We don’t to bring paper into this transaction. I won’t be returning it later.’
You ruined it...
"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...oh, wait it's at home...in the file...under 'D'."
Another one of my favorites that I haven't seen quoted yet:
"I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "frick you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"
Posted on 3/2/18 at 9:53 am to theunknownknight
Posted on 3/2/18 at 9:57 am to PJinAtl
quote:
And they're hungry
This tiny bit elevates a very funny joke to the next level. Absolutely brilliant
Posted on 3/2/18 at 10:00 am to Pettifogger
You have to view him in context. His bits were before sites like reddit were popular. Comedy was dominated by black comedy. He was a nice breath of fresh air at the time. Watching his routine now doesn't have the same bite.
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