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Started By
Message
re: Married men- give advice to single men you'd NEVER say in front of your wife
Posted on 9/6/21 at 1:25 pm to kingbob
Posted on 9/6/21 at 1:25 pm to kingbob
quote:
Men and women have been raised in a culture that teaches them to be selfish and toxic. There’s a lot of bad traits folks can pick up through dating that they have to, more or less, unlearn for a marriage to be successful.
I'm not saying you're wrong. In fact, I agree with you that people act a certain way when they are dating and they turn into different people when they get married. Not all people, but I've seen it happen. What I'm saying is that its pretty easy to spot and it's indicative that a LTR isn't going to work out. And if someone gets married when those red flags are present and they think they can work on them or fix them, they did that to themselves. And both men and women are guilty of this.
And likewise, if you are on your best behavior while dating, you're also fricking up. Be yourself. Are you going to get her little surprises every time you go grocery shopping for the next 35 years? If you know you can't sustain that behavior, don't do it. If you're doing things like that because they are on your mind and you love them, you won't even need to ask that question.
There should be no doubt is what I'm saying. If there is even an ounce of doubt, don't get married. I'm not saying be Jerry Seinfeld and hate all of their quirks, I'm saying understand their quirks from the jump and accept that is who they are.
But where I do disagree with you is putting men or women in a box and ascribing certain qualities to an entire gender. There are billions of men and billions of women and there is so much nuance between people that saying women are going to be a certain way in a marriage is a very faulty way to look at what lies ahead.
Know who you're marrying, make sure you're compatible for the long haul, and love them. ACTUALLY love THEM. Don't love an idea of them. Don't love who they were at one point. Love who they may end up being, who they used to be, and who they are right now. That's all there is to it to a successful marriage. Every other big or little thing that occurs in marriage that brings up issues can be solved if you know that your partner has faults, but you love them and are willing to work through them.
I don't know, maybe I hit the jackpot. We don't really celebrate Valentines day. We both forgot our Anniversary one year. One year she woke up the day after my birthday and apologized profusely because she didn't say a word about it on the day. But guess what? I don't care. because those days, while they represent something significant, aren't going to define your relationship. If you want to celebrate them, celebrate them. If you don't, don't. The issue arises when someone doesn't give a shite about those days to the point they can't be bothered to do anything, and the other person looks forward to them all year because its the only time anything romantic happens. That's a real problem, and its both peoples fault, because they aren't talking to another. Or, even worse, they're talking about it and then ignoring it.
3
Posted on 9/6/21 at 1:26 pm to SlowFlowPro
quote:
Well, because logical reactions are always superior to emotional reactions.
Hey, you may be right.
Regardless, have fun not connecting emotionally with women.
If your partner is telling you that your being too logical and you aren't connecting with them emotionally, it has nothing to do with being right. It's about attending to your partners needs.
Again, something that should have probably been discussed early in the relationship.
This post was edited on 9/6/21 at 1:29 pm
Posted on 9/6/21 at 1:29 pm to Odysseus32
quote:
But where I do disagree with you is putting men or women in a box and ascribing certain qualities to an entire gender. There are billions of men and billions of women and there is so much nuance between people that saying women are going to be a certain way in a marriage is a very faulty way to look at what lies ahead.
There are always exceptions/outliers, but there are general traits that differentiate men and women.
quote:
I don't know, maybe I hit the jackpot. We don't really celebrate Valentines day. We both forgot our Anniversary one year. One year she woke up the day after my birthday and apologized profusely because she didn't say a word about it on the day.
I won't say you "hit the jackpot" for these examples, but you're in an outlier situation for sure.
Those things you posted are not normal, and I imagine most of the men you're criticizing would be happy to be in that sort of relationship.
Posted on 9/6/21 at 1:30 pm to Odysseus32
quote:
Hey, you may be right.
Regardless, have fun not connecting emotionally with women.
I'm a strong INTJ. I don't connect emotionally with many people
quote:
If your partner is telling you that your being too logical and you aren't connecting with them emotionally, it has nothing to do with being right. It's about attending to your partners needs.
2+2 always equals 4, no matter how many times a person screams that it's actually 5
This post was edited on 9/6/21 at 1:31 pm
Posted on 9/6/21 at 1:38 pm to SlowFlowPro
quote:
I'm a strong INTJ. I don't connect emotionally with many people
If you're okay with it, that's all that matters. I'm an INFP, and I'm keenly aware of how much my emotions dictate my behavior. And it can get in the way, but it can also be a huge advantage in some regard.
quote:
2+2 always equals 4, no matter how many times a person screams that it's actually 5
But I think the issue is that when a partner says they want someone to use less logic and connect with them emotionally, they aren't saying anything regarding right or wrong. Right or wrong is a concept that may not even exist in this scenario.
They are saying see things from their perspective if you don't agree with them. Put yourself in their shoes and see why they are coming to their conclusion even if it turns out to be objectively wrong. Even if you stay steadfast in whatever the issue may be, just being able to empathize with them is huge and it wont matter to them that you were "right" and they were "wrong".
And yeah, you can scream you're right all you want, but its going to turn out poorly. And when you're arguing with your partner, isnt the goal to maintain a positive relationship by way of dialogue? Being right is sorta secondary. If you keep talking, and both people are reasonable, who is right or wrong will come out, and it wont really matter.
EDIT - I didnt downvote you, btw. I like that those things are anonymous, but if you're having a civil discussion it can seem like the other person thumbs downed you just for the sake of looking better.
This post was edited on 9/6/21 at 1:47 pm
Posted on 9/6/21 at 1:41 pm to kingbob
quote:
There’s a huge difference between how relationships are supposed to work and how they actually work. Men and women have been raised in a culture that teaches them to be selfish and toxic. There’s a lot of bad traits folks can pick up through dating that they have to, more or less, unlearn for a marriage to be successful. Some of these techniques seem ridiculous, but it’s only because they’re necessary to foster the kind of communication and trust to take a faltering relationship between flawed people and turn it into a healthy one with mature people.
The biggest thing I had to learn was it's possible to really dislike certain traits a person has, and be really angry with them at times, while still being crazy in love with them. Conflict is part of the deal and it doesn't mean you're about to get kicked to the curb.
Posted on 9/6/21 at 1:54 pm to cgrand
quote:
I would not want to be a woman in today’s society
By what sense are women the disadvantaged ones today? Very few. The statistics are heavily weighted in their favor and against men. I don't think it does any good to complain about this but it bears pointing out because the common narratives run counter to this truth.
Education? Women are more likely to graduate from high school and college. There have been more women than men attending college since the early 80s. Today that gap has gotten quite severe with some 60% of undergraduates being women and 40% being men. Do the math on that one and you'll notice that means your female children are 50% more likely than your male children to graduate from high school or college. That's an enormous gap.
Violence? Men are more likely by far to be victims than women. They are killed and assaulted in higher numbers and percentages than women. Even in cases of sexual assault more men are raped and sexually assaulted because of the prison assault problems.
Extreme poverty including homelessness? Heavily male. If you really fail in society the safety net is bigger and more forgiving for women than men.
Health and lifespan? Also heavily in women's favor. They outlive men by around five years on average.
Systemic treatment? Justice systems punish men more than women with longer and more severe sentences (including the death penalty) for the same crimes. Your risk of being shot by another person (including the police) is many times higher as a white male than it is as a black female. The family courts dispense custody to women as a default in most cases with divorced men doing so poorly with both custody and alimony payments that there is a substantial spike in male suicide after divorce.
The worst of it is possibly what the down stream effects of boys being raised in a female centered home, school, and social media environment. Those boys who have no appropriate male role models become likely to find worse substitutes for male affection and achievement (e.g we see more problems with boys dropping out of school and joining gangs when they are raised by mothers with no fathers present and go to schools with only female teachers).
I worry about the state of the culture as a whole because without strong and positive male and female role models girls and especially boys suffer disproportionately.
Posted on 9/6/21 at 1:55 pm to Odysseus32
quote:
But I think the issue is that when a partner says they want someone to use less logic and connect with them emotionally, they aren't saying anything regarding right or wrong. Right or wrong is a concept that may not even exist in this scenario.
Right wrong is the bad way to describe this. I think the primary issue with how emotional thinkers expect others to deal with their emotional communications/demands is that they don't frame it that way. Like if people said, "I have to vent because I require an emotional release" it would be an accurate description...but they do not. It's usually framed in another way and they don't like to be confronted with calling it what it is.
And I don't look at my up/downvotes so it's all good.
Posted on 9/6/21 at 2:03 pm to Odysseus32
This thread makes me feel extremely lucky because my wife doesn't fit into these boxes. We make fun of mainstream women's culture and attitudes, feminism, etc. and when she gets emotional, she wants me to call her out on it. I speak my mind without a filter, I say things that people would consider "things you never tell a woman," and she takes it and appreciates getting the truth.
Of course, unlike most men, I'd rather tell a woman the truth and have to jerk off that night than lie and play sweet to get laid. I'd rather spend nights alone than go catering to women's delusions in exchange for pussy. I don't care how long that would make me sexless, I can always just jerk off. If my wife is gaining weight I would tell her for her own health and self-respect, and she'd appreciate it for the same reasons. Like adults. That a man would be in the doghouse for something like this (or any other irrational crap you're "not supposed" to bring up with women) is out of the realm of acceptable adult behavior to me. For those who play by those rules, you realize that makes you a manipulator too? Just as much as the women who frick so they can get their share of your paycheck.
My wife knows exactly where she stands with me and I know where I stand with her. Be real with your woman if you want her to be real with you. If you don't like the result, you shouldn't be in that relationship to begin with. I mean, if your woman is willing to withhold sex it sounds like sex isn't a mutually pleasurable activity... that needs to be addressed for long term happiness
Of course, unlike most men, I'd rather tell a woman the truth and have to jerk off that night than lie and play sweet to get laid. I'd rather spend nights alone than go catering to women's delusions in exchange for pussy. I don't care how long that would make me sexless, I can always just jerk off. If my wife is gaining weight I would tell her for her own health and self-respect, and she'd appreciate it for the same reasons. Like adults. That a man would be in the doghouse for something like this (or any other irrational crap you're "not supposed" to bring up with women) is out of the realm of acceptable adult behavior to me. For those who play by those rules, you realize that makes you a manipulator too? Just as much as the women who frick so they can get their share of your paycheck.
My wife knows exactly where she stands with me and I know where I stand with her. Be real with your woman if you want her to be real with you. If you don't like the result, you shouldn't be in that relationship to begin with. I mean, if your woman is willing to withhold sex it sounds like sex isn't a mutually pleasurable activity... that needs to be addressed for long term happiness
Posted on 9/6/21 at 2:08 pm to efrad
quote:
My wife knows exactly where she stands with me and I know where I stand with her. Be real with your woman if you want her to be real with you. If you don't like the result, you shouldn't be in that relationship to begin with.
Pretty much sums it up.
Posted on 9/6/21 at 6:23 pm to tbabino
Never underestimate the capability for a woman to lie to herself, that’s her superpower. Keep that in mind if you ever decide to be too honest.
She asks you if you’ve ever had a one night stand? The answer is either “no” or “yeah, but I quickly found out it wasn’t my thing”.
Why do you say that? Well…because she somehow has convinced herself that that those nights she had in college never actually happened or she hasn’t sat around with her girlfriends and eye-fricked a random stranger.
None of the above is actually a problem, and is perfectly normal 20-something behavior, but however be careful if you start admitting to stuff that she has conveniently forgot about doing herself in her younger and shallower days.
She asks you if you’ve ever had a one night stand? The answer is either “no” or “yeah, but I quickly found out it wasn’t my thing”.
Why do you say that? Well…because she somehow has convinced herself that that those nights she had in college never actually happened or she hasn’t sat around with her girlfriends and eye-fricked a random stranger.
None of the above is actually a problem, and is perfectly normal 20-something behavior, but however be careful if you start admitting to stuff that she has conveniently forgot about doing herself in her younger and shallower days.
Posted on 9/6/21 at 6:26 pm to djangochained
quote:
You can’t turn a housewife into a ho
bullshite you can't. Anybody who thinks that better put a camera outside his backdoor.
Posted on 9/6/21 at 6:57 pm to tbabino
Cheaper to rent it
Posted on 9/8/21 at 10:31 pm to tbabino
Make sure you are on the same page before you have kids. Divorce without kids would suck. With them it’s perpetual suck for as long as you are chained to the witch.
Posted on 9/8/21 at 11:34 pm to tbabino
Drink!!! A LOT!!! No really, that’s the only reasonable way to stay sane while sharing a house with a women.
Posted on 9/9/21 at 2:15 am to tbabino
If u wanna know what you are going to be dealing with, spend as much time as possible with her mother before you marry her. Women turn into their mother 99.999% of the time.
Posted on 9/9/21 at 7:05 am to jsmoke222000
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Posted on 9/9/21 at 7:42 am to tbabino
Divorced woman here
If you are unhappy(whether with her or life in general)…,just man the frick up and tell her. Don’t hide that shite for years thinking it will magically get better on its own. Don’t think spending $$$$ and her going through multiple surgeries and hell to try to give you a kid (all the while she had nooo idea you are unhappy) will somehow make you happier. Sit her down and communicate with her.
Don’t have kids with her if you are unhappy and the relationship is unsteady. Any sane adult should know kids never save a relationship.
If you are unhappy(whether with her or life in general)…,just man the frick up and tell her. Don’t hide that shite for years thinking it will magically get better on its own. Don’t think spending $$$$ and her going through multiple surgeries and hell to try to give you a kid (all the while she had nooo idea you are unhappy) will somehow make you happier. Sit her down and communicate with her.
Don’t have kids with her if you are unhappy and the relationship is unsteady. Any sane adult should know kids never save a relationship.
Posted on 9/9/21 at 7:45 am to tbabino
All women are whores.
I mean that 100%.
I mean that 100%.
Posted on 9/9/21 at 8:37 am to lsunurse
quote:=/=
woman
quote:
sane adult
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