re: Looks like it’s the end of the marriage line boys

Thanks man. The counselor that saw us was the same one that my wife went to for her depression. I had a pretty bad attitude about that session and we didn't go back.

My work schedule is part of the problem because she feels like a single mom. I can't blame her but she wasn't working for years and I would get aggravated with the house a mess, and then her telling me we are broke. We made some bad financial desicions and I'm trying to get out us out of a bind. It's just alot of stuff over the years. My drinking didn't help either and she asked me to quit during the first separation which I did. After 3 months of nothing changing I went back to drinking.

She has a job now so I don't get too upset with the house being a mess because I know it's hard. She got a psychology degree and plans on getting her masters in the future. It wasn't long ago we made a detailed plan on our future together and then 2 weeks ago I get blindsided with this. It's always a struggle but I don't get depressed over it. I do feel like the light has left my life and Im not the same cheerful person I used to be. I'm know she feels that way about herself also. We just have to work on ourselves. I know as well as she does that divorce isn't the answer but she does not want this toxic relationship anymore and I told her I don't want it either. It will take longer than 3 months to fix all this shite. I invested too much time and money in this marriage to just say frick it.

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Last thing, it’s devastating to hear your wife say “I don’t love you anymore”, but try not to internalize that. Just refuse that narrative all together. You’re still the guy she fell in love with and said yes to. Nobody changes that much

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And yet in this very thread, we have a woman admitting that she just couldn't take it anymore and bailed on her marriage.

Let's face it, woman can and do change quite a bit. Otherwise, they wouldn't institute the vast, vast majority of divorces.

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Last thing, it’s devastating to hear your wife say “I don’t love you anymore”, but try not to internalize that. Just refuse that narrative all together. You’re still the guy she fell in love with and said yes to. Nobody changes that much and any changes that have occurred, you can undo with some help.

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I believe this too and never could understand how two people who supposedly loved one another can tear each other apart, divorce or not.

No I am specifically thinking of a counselor, as in a licensed social worker (LCSW?).

I have anxiety and depression and my counselor basically punted on any serious marriage counseling due to conflict of interest but steered us to potentially using another counselor in her practice who hadn’t seen either of us.

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Going frick some strange wouldn't solve a damn thing. Neither of us cheated on each other so you can't fault me for having hope. I know I wouldnt have a problem finding another woman, but that's a band aid on a severed limb.

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exactly my point earlier in this thread. Either fix yourself or your marriage...or both

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The counselor shouldn’t have been serving both of you if he previously treated her and had no relationship with you.

The reason is that they aren’t supposed to show bias or an appearance of bias, which they apparently failed at miserably.

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I told her that yesterday. I said those people supposed to have experience and failed me/us on the first visit. I was done with their shite but had to leave for work and didn't get another session with someone else. In the next few months I will have more time to see someone that try to help me.

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Let's face it, woman can and do change quite a bit. Otherwise, they wouldn't institute the vast, vast majority of divorces.

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She changed after the birth of our kid. She put herself and her relationship as a mother to our child before our marriage. You can't put your kids above your marriage, because once they move out, there's nothing left. For years I wrote it off as being temporary, and things will change. Never did. There's just no more romance or love in our relationship anymore. Maybe being separated for a few months will help us realize that we still love each other, maybe not. Regardless, neither one of us deserves to live on miserable with each other, and our kid doesn't deserve to see that example from us. I'd rather be separate and show him that we can still be kind and friendly and work out our differences peacefully.

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I told her that yesterday. I said those people supposed to have experience and failed me/us on the first visit. I was done with their shite but had to leave for work and didn't get another session with someone else. In the next few months I will have more time to see someone that try to help me.

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I agree with Teke. Even if this counselor tried to be partial, it’s way too hard to do so since they treated your wife previously, particularly for depression.

I’m glad that you recognized that and decided not to let that experience color your opinion of marriage counseling. And I think it’s a great sign that you recognize your own faults in this. Counseling goes way better when both parties focus on working on their own issues and not trying to fix their spouse’s

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She put herself and her relationship as a mother to our child before our marriage. You can't put your kids above your marriage, because once they move out, there's nothing left. For years I wro

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You’re 100% right. The marriage should always come first. If the plan is truly “till death do us part”, then the child-rearing phase is only a small fraction of that time. With few exceptions, marriage has to be the priority.

But...there’s probably a reason that she did this. Were you two already having problems when your kid was born? Did she have any signs of postpartum depression?

Is it possible that she “retreated” into motherhood to avoid the problems you two were having? If so, maybe you could look at it as a symptom of a problem that both of you can fix vs seeing it as something she did to you.

Right? It's like "damn she left me for no reason all I did was drink, squander money, fuss about housework, not take care of myself etc etc."

Yeah there's a lot of get up and go divorces out there. But I'd be wary of saying all no-fault is get up and go while many are probably trying to keep a lid on dirty laundry as much as possible.

I say this knowing for sure that there are men out there who cut ties as smooth and clean with a cheating wife as possible just to get her out and move on.