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re: Lighten Up with Laughter: Do your part, with a joke!
Posted on 12/18/24 at 11:11 am to Lutcher Lad
Posted on 12/18/24 at 11:11 am to Lutcher Lad
What did the mobster say to the calendar?
Your days are numbered...........
Your days are numbered...........
1
Posted on 12/18/24 at 11:14 am to North Dallas Tiger
quote:
What did the mobster say to the calendar? Your days are numbered...........
What did the Lobster say to the calendar?
Nothing.
Posted on 12/18/24 at 11:17 am to Lutcher Lad
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted.. :fart:
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."=============
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted.. :fart:
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."=============
Posted on 12/18/24 at 11:19 am to Lutcher Lad
One day, Boudreaux's wife, Marie, went walking in the woods and got lost. Boudreaux searched all day but could not find her. Later that day, his buddy
Thibodeaux showed up with a search party to help find Marie.
Late that night, Thibodeaux came running back to the house and told
Boudreaux, "Boud, I gots sum good news and I gots sum bad news." He said "We found Marie in the swamp. I'm so sorry, but she was dead with 300 blue crabs eating on her body."
Boudreaux said, "Oh no Thib, dat's terrible!! What's the good news?"
Thibodeaux said, "We gonna run her again tomorrow."
Thibodeaux showed up with a search party to help find Marie.
Late that night, Thibodeaux came running back to the house and told
Boudreaux, "Boud, I gots sum good news and I gots sum bad news." He said "We found Marie in the swamp. I'm so sorry, but she was dead with 300 blue crabs eating on her body."
Boudreaux said, "Oh no Thib, dat's terrible!! What's the good news?"
Thibodeaux said, "We gonna run her again tomorrow."
Posted on 12/18/24 at 11:21 am to Lutcher Lad
Please don't make jokes about the holocost. My great grandfather died in a concentration camp.
He got drunk and fell out of the watchtower.
He got drunk and fell out of the watchtower.
Posted on 12/18/24 at 11:44 am to mt1
Guy walks into a bar called "Billiards and Beer."
He's sitting at the bar and hollers at the bartender to get him a glass of his best billiards.
The bartender is kind of confused but he's like whatever, so he goes in the back and pisses in a glass and brings it out to the guy.
Bartender watches to see what the guy does but the guy actually takes the glass and just chugs it down, slams the glass on the bar top and finishes with a satisfying "ahh." He tells the bartender "let me get another round of billiards."
Bartender again goes to the back and musters up enough piss to fill another glass and brings it out.
Guy again takes the glass and chugs it down. This one kind of hits him strong but he just kind of brags to the bartender, "you know, if I wasn't an old billiards drinker, I'd say that tastes like piss."
He's sitting at the bar and hollers at the bartender to get him a glass of his best billiards.
The bartender is kind of confused but he's like whatever, so he goes in the back and pisses in a glass and brings it out to the guy.
Bartender watches to see what the guy does but the guy actually takes the glass and just chugs it down, slams the glass on the bar top and finishes with a satisfying "ahh." He tells the bartender "let me get another round of billiards."
Bartender again goes to the back and musters up enough piss to fill another glass and brings it out.
Guy again takes the glass and chugs it down. This one kind of hits him strong but he just kind of brags to the bartender, "you know, if I wasn't an old billiards drinker, I'd say that tastes like piss."
This post was edited on 12/18/24 at 12:40 pm
Posted on 12/18/24 at 11:53 am to Lutcher Lad
Posted on 12/18/24 at 12:07 pm to FeauxPaw
Two necrophilliacs are walking together down the street when they pass in front of a funeral home. One looks at the other as said, "Hey, you feel like stopping in for a cold one?"
Posted on 12/18/24 at 12:13 pm to Catahoula
So a bear is walking in the woods, and in the distance, he sees a Ranger.
The ranger is going up to each tree, reaching in his pack, and pulling out a pork chop. Then he nails it to the tree and moves on to the next one. Once he's out of meat, he walks away.
The bear is just bewildered, and doesn't know what to think.
The next day the bear sees the ranger again. This time it's chicken wings. The bear is thinking, "what on earth is this guy doing!?"
Next day, it's bacon. Day after that, lamb chops.
Finally Friday gets there and the Ranger is pulling out filet mignons and nailing them to the trees.
The bear has had it, he's got to know what the deal is. So he walks up to the ranger and says "I gotta know, what's the deal with all the meat on the trees?"
And the ranger looks at him and says,
"HOLY frick A TALKING BEAR!"
The ranger is going up to each tree, reaching in his pack, and pulling out a pork chop. Then he nails it to the tree and moves on to the next one. Once he's out of meat, he walks away.
The bear is just bewildered, and doesn't know what to think.
The next day the bear sees the ranger again. This time it's chicken wings. The bear is thinking, "what on earth is this guy doing!?"
Next day, it's bacon. Day after that, lamb chops.
Finally Friday gets there and the Ranger is pulling out filet mignons and nailing them to the trees.
The bear has had it, he's got to know what the deal is. So he walks up to the ranger and says "I gotta know, what's the deal with all the meat on the trees?"
And the ranger looks at him and says,
"HOLY frick A TALKING BEAR!"
This post was edited on 12/18/24 at 3:20 pm
Posted on 12/18/24 at 12:15 pm to Lutcher Lad
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks.
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks.
Posted on 12/18/24 at 12:16 pm to Lutcher Lad
How do you properly eat a vegetable?
You take her out the wheelchair first .
You take her out the wheelchair first .
Posted on 12/18/24 at 12:16 pm to Lutcher Lad
Vagina jokes aren’t funny…. Period
Posted on 12/18/24 at 12:18 pm to Lutcher Lad
A peanut lay on the railroad track
His heart was all aflutter
A train came rolling down the track
Toot! Toot! Peanut butter
His heart was all aflutter
A train came rolling down the track
Toot! Toot! Peanut butter
Posted on 12/18/24 at 12:30 pm to FightinTigersDammit
What was even more useful than the first telephone?
The second telephone.
The second telephone.
Posted on 12/18/24 at 12:31 pm to Lutcher Lad
If Kitty Wells married Conway Twitty, her name would be Kitty Twitty!
Posted on 12/18/24 at 12:32 pm to Lutcher Lad
Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
Her lipstick
Her lipstick
Posted on 12/18/24 at 12:42 pm to Lutcher Lad
Why did the Jew enjoy being at the football game so much?
Because people kept shouting GET THE QUARTERBACK!!!
Because people kept shouting GET THE QUARTERBACK!!!
Posted on 12/18/24 at 1:17 pm to Pascal59
You know why Helen Keller couldn't drive?
She was a woman
She was a woman
Posted on 12/18/24 at 1:26 pm to Lutcher Lad
What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rhino
Walk him and pitch to the rhino
Posted on 12/18/24 at 1:28 pm to Lutcher Lad
What's black and white, and red all over?
A nun with a spear through her head.
A nun with a spear through her head.
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