How To Approach 2020 Like A Real Human

quote:

---

Convince yourself that you’re better, happier, and more valuable to society than them because you live in a major U.S. city and they’re still “stuck” in their small hometown. While you’re literally stuck in your $3,200/month studio crevice and coming down at 7:25am while the sunrise penetrates your curtainless windows like a GDP scene, you can scour their pathetic Facebook profiles and cackle at all the embarrassing spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in their posts about getting married to the love of their life and buying a house together. Send screenshots to your snarky freelance friends and make them gag on their postnasal drip. Remind yourself that these people peaked in high school and you’re “doing something meaningful with your life.” While you’re periodically having casual sex with hedge fund managers, up-and-coming DJs, and verified podcasters, they’re still regularly fricking the same loser they’ve unconditionally loved since 2012. They probably don’t even live within walking distance of any rooftop bars. Imagine those pieces of shite?—?just genuinely enjoying each other’s company at filthy chain restaurants while you slowly sip a $22 cup of frozen vodka syrup in a transparent igloo with someone who’s going to take you back to their twin-size mattress, quasi-frick you with their half-mast adderall dick for the entire length of Losing It by Fisher, and leave you googling “how to treat bed bug bites” on a vomit-scented subway the next morning.

---