re: Have Any of You Married a Cluster B Personality Disorder (Narcissistic, Borderline,etc)?

These people are like herpes.

They will keep flaring up if you don’t block em’.

I married and had 3 kids with one. She already had a kid too, so we had a hectic house. Just as you describe. She controlled the mood in the house and everyone walked on egg shells because we never knew what her mood would be. It was scary coming home from work every night. I divorced her after 7-8 years of marraige, easily got custody of my kids and she paid me child support for 15 years or so. She's gone through countless men since, is now on marraige number 6 and has been fired from 15-20 jobs. Her inability to hold a job, maintain a healthy relationship, finish school, etc. is always someone else's fault. She is a lifelong victim. Sex was either wild nymphomaniac stuff or shut off because she was angry-no in between. She blamed everything on me and others, but a marraige counselor and a custody psych examiner said she would not benefit from counseling because she could never admit her behavior caused any problems.

You're a good man! She put herself first. You put your sons first.

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I’m sorry to have hijacked so much of this thread,

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You have not at all hijacked the thread.

It's great to have you back around here. After you got married, you didn't post as much as when you were a student in the band. That was very understandable at the time, of course, but, we did miss you, Picc. I thought to myself, well, she's married and now, so, no more time for posting on TD.

It's great to have you back.

That’s really nice. The musings of my youth youth were cringe, like an old Facebook memory from 15 years ago..

Nevertheless, yes I posted less, but mostly because of work and responsibilities. Thank you for the nice thoughts and encouragement!

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I could literally write a book on what I went through but will go into detail once I see what others here have been through.

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Unless she is dead, you aren't done yet.

Read "The Siren's Dance" and see if it sounds familiar.....

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Ok I feel like an a hole. This thread is about many, not me. I’d like to redirect back to the topic. A few great books I’ve read: -How to walk into a room -Recovery from narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, codependency and complex ptsd. (This is a workbook as well) -healing from hidden abuse

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Your story resonates a lot with me. When my ex was in the morass of her trauma bond, those closest to her (her twin, mother, and me) knew she was a completely different person once she got with her abuser. However, if you didn’t know her from before, you wouldn’t notice, her “new” friends helped with the isolation.

Question for you - would those closest to you before you got with your abuser observe similar changes with you once you got with your abuser?

Her abuser died 3 years ago and within 6 months, we started noticing drastic changes to where she was the person she was before she met the abuser. I only spoke the near minimum to her for 13 years, because she treated us like she was treated by her abuser.

What I’m struggling with is who is she?

I can ID 5 TB’s from that whole debacle:
1. Her and the abuser
2. My son and the abuser
3. My son and Her
4. Her and me
5. Her and her mom’
6. Her and her sister.

Once the abuser died, it’s like those TB’s just disappeared.

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Question for you - would those closest to you before you got with your abuser observe similar changes with you once you got with your abuser?

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Yeah. I didn’t see it but my friends from before did. My best friend made comments saying I dressed even girlier than before since being remarried, and she implied how exhausting it must be to always have to be “on” 24/7 to either be pleasing him or to avoid his criticisms. Yet he would still criticize me for being too dressed up or put together.

A few years ago we traveled down to an LSU home game. I couldn’t decide what shirt to wear; so I tried on two for him and asked which he liked best. Remember, I want to do what you want to make you happy so I’m happy. So, I wore the one he chose. I get all cute and was super excited to go to this game with my kids and him. Gorgeous fall day. We get to the car and he looks and me and says “I’m just wondering why you decided to dress with your tits out since you never do that, you heading to the tailgate to find a new husband?” I sat there flabbergasted… sir, you just chose this shirt and went on and on about how much you liked it and how pretty I/it was. And now I’m a whore who’s husband hunting…? These were the constant twisting mind games that made me so unable to think straight half the time.

The first year of our marriage, when I didn’t agree with joining a country club until our debt was paid off, he yelled “I should have just married a teacher who knew her fricking place and shut her mouth”…. And then always made comments (when I was struggling to make friends here) “well, if you could just sort of… turn yourself down a little, I think that would help. You really stand out and I’m not saying it’s in a bad way but also it’s not going to make you any friends, maybe just kinda turn the volume down on yourself”

Aka dim who you are. Don’t stand out unless it’s at work and it makes us money but even then, who did you talk to/why do you have to send those emails/you don’t really need to go to the hospital, you’re just going to blow some doctor and on and on and on. This became my daily life. And then when I was breaking or broke, he turned the charm on and did intermittent reinforcement of all the sweet things from early on until he can see me soften again. Then? Abuse back on, escalated to the nth degree. I understand why I didn’t leave for good early on… I was too mentally twisted by the mind games to even know if I was right or wrong, I thought I was insane so I just stuck it out and kept trying even harder. And harder. And never enough.

Anyway…yes. I barely stay in touch with anyone from before him. I was totally isolated. It didn’t happen in an obvious way until it had already happened. I changed a lot as a person, in some ways, so I’m working to get back to who I was before.

The person you’re referencing is probably just able to be mentally clear away from her abuser, hence the change.

Once I found out about Covert Narcissism, I realized that's who I've been married to.

I always thought narcissists were overt, vain, self centered people, i had no idea they could be quiet, always unfortunate and needing, deceptively manipulative, but when I started listening to podcasts and coupled that with distinct memories, I know that's what it is. NPD is on a spectrum, but they all follow the same traits.