re: Has anyone dealt with a sibling treating their own mother like shite due to their spouse?

Some things are best dealt with a good arse whooping.

Tell him there’s more where that came from too.

My oldest brother chose his wife and her family over his own. Has been that way since they got married in 06. He’s been in Hawaii for the past decade. I was there for 10 days and saw him and his family for less than 2 hours. I’ve come to terms with it. He will not be in my wedding and may not even show up if I’m honest. Live your life. They make their own choices.

Yes. My sister treated my Mother very badly before she passed, and it broke her heart. I saw it affect her in a bad way, and I started to see her decline afterwards. She also fell and broke her hip during that time. I took care of her while she had hospice nurses coming to the house. I called amd texted my sister many times and asked her to come and make things right because she wouldn't be here much longer. She never did. It was because her husband is a possessive amd controlling person. I saw what it did to my Mother and the rest of the family. I dont care who I married, they're not going to persuade me to treat either of my parents in a disrespectful or hateful manner. I do not know how she lives with herself. My Mother was a loving soul who wanted nothing more but to have family around her. My BIL did everything he could to alienate my sister from her Mother. And over the years, he succeeded. I pretty much dont have anything to do her her because of it. If someone treated me that badly, it is easier to forgive them. But when it is your Mother, it is much harder. I finally did after I called her 3 yrs later. But I still do see or spend time with her.

Sorry to read that, andouille. I can only imagine it is quite difficult and hurtful.

My mom went through this with my SIL. Part of it was the "helpful advice' my mom gave my SIL about everything. My brother told me my SIL said my mom old her "better" ways to do nearly everything around the house. She felt like my mom thought she was stupid and couldn't do anything right.

That was a bigger problem than my mom, my dad and I knew, but it wasn't what caused the three year period when my parents didn't get to see their three grandchildren.

Long before my SIL ever met my brother, I had another brother who was killed in a car wreck when he was 17. I was a freshman in high school. The brother who's wife didn't get along with my mom was at LSU slaying sorority girls. There's not much worse that can happen to parents than losing a child, and it really changed my parents. We lived in Kosciusko, MS back then, but they buried my brother in a family plot they had in Bastrop, LA. Kosciusko was where we grew up. We'd been there since I was in the 4th grade and the brother that died was in sixth. I had to retake Algebra that summer, and was away at All Saints Episcopal School in Vicksburg.

While I was off at school, my parents started looking at moving back to the Bastrop area. My mom grew up there and my dad grew up across the border in Crossett, AR. Both had lots of family in North Louisiana. My dad worked in the Woodlands division of IP and my mom taught school. I got a letter they were in Monroe looking at towns in NELA. Then I got one saying we were moving to Farmerville. When they came to get me from All Saints, I didn't go home to Kosciusko, I went to Farmerville.

Moving wasn't the only thing that changed a few years later when I went off to LSU my parents decided they didn't like some of the changes the Methodist Church was making. They started going to an Assembly of God church with some friends who had left the Methodist Church. A couple of years later they moved to Ruston and were going to a tiny Baptist Church in Simsboro. They became much more evangelical than they'd ever been. A lot of, or maybe most of, the toys they got the grands were Christian themed.

My brother had moved to Alaska, met his wife, a Montana girl who had a daughter from a previous marriage, they got married and had two sons together. All of the kids lived up there until they were grown. My parents becoming more evangelical became a problem when my niece asked her mom if they were all going to hell. A couple of years after it happened, my brother told me my niece followed the question with, "Grandmother said people that don't go to church go to hell."

Boom, my parents weren't invited to come visit them, and they didn't bring the kids to visit for maybe three years. My brother asked them to quit sending the kids Christian gifts too. Even though we had grown up going to the Methodist church, my brother completely quit going to church as soon as he moved away to college and never went back. It wasn't just my SIL, he didn't want them around the kids because he didn't want to have to answer those questions either.

After he and his wife decided to divorce, he started back bringing the kids to visit. All have the kids are married now. Two have their own kids. They all have great relationships with my parents.

They have spent a lot of time around my parents. My niece went to Tulane and got closer to my mom because she'd drive up and visit them. One nephew moved to Slidell four years ago. His wife and two kids come for Thanksgiving every year and come a couple more times each year. Their kids are in eighth grade and sixth. Now that my brother's kids are old enough to make their own decisions, they've chosen to let their grandparents have an influence on their kids. My mom gave them 10 Commandments for Kids, or some such when they were there at Thanksgiving this year.

Sometimes ppl want their life to be a certain way and not all people and relationships are compatible with what they envision for themselves.

Pressuring for resolution or explanation only pushes them further away. Because not only have they been turned off, now they find themselves hassled.

My mom did the same to my ex wife, not around town but def to her side of the family.

Current wife and mom get on better. I still maintain a lot of distance to make sure it stays that way.

I’m sure my sister is on a message board somewhere nailing us like the OP is nailing his brother and sister-in-law.