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re: For divorced OTers: Do you ever wish you go back and change things?
Posted on 1/6/17 at 9:34 am to Evil Little Thing
Posted on 1/6/17 at 9:34 am to Evil Little Thing
quote:
I'm not sure how to define fault here. I'm at fault for being the one to leave; he's at fault for the reasons I left, even though he did not want the divorce at all.
I know the feeling. See, mine had this unrealistic view of marriage. When we did marriage counseling, she joked of how she'd leave a relationship if things didn't go how she thought they were supposed to. That was a running family joke about her, too. So, since our marriage was put up against what she deemed as "perfect" she decided to leave. That was after the influence from her sister, ex bfs, etc. She is very easily influenced.
quote:
Things would be a LOT easier if we were still together, but it's very hard to imagine now. I'm not in love with him, and it feels like a lifetime ago. Zero pining on my end.
I can relate. I'm not in love with her, either. I'm not sure if its pining or whatever. We were best friends but the main thing is the kids are really being hurt over this - well, her actions and all.
0
Posted on 1/6/17 at 9:37 am to TygerTyger
quote:
I learned a lot from that first marriage: successes and mistakes, priorities and "who really cares", the importance of communication and how to hold my ground on things that really matter to me, heart break and sorrow and what really matters in life. I'm a better man for it, even though it sucked arse going through it.
^This. The whole thing has taught me a lot. Too much, I think.
quote:
Life isn't all roses, and the only thing that's guaranteed is that we are going to royally frick something up along the way. I just hope that I've made it past the worst of it.
Truth.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 9:37 am to Spaceman Spiff
I hear what your saying but it's hard to live in the past. Just got to keep moving forward and make the best of the situation that your in. Hopefully you and your Ex can be good parents to your kids and at least appear to get a long when the kids are involved. Other than that try and find a good mother figure for your kids (if thats the kind of thing you want) and go on about your life.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 9:39 am to Spaceman Spiff
quote:
For divorced OTers: Do you ever wish you go back and change things?
as in not marry the bitch in the first place?
yup
Posted on 1/6/17 at 9:43 am to Spaceman Spiff
Abuse ALWAYS affects men/women/marriage. Some have really traumatic affects down the road, others don't go way off the road. However, it affects everyone. I'm sorry to hear this.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 9:44 am to PoundFoolish
The divorce was my fault. I wish I had been a better man. That was 16 years ago now. Water under the bridge.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 9:46 am to Spaceman Spiff
quote:I know you mean well, but that is not a good enough reason to reconcile. Do all you can to have a healthy, loving relationship with your children. Your ex? Move on. There is a reason you divorced.
I wouldn't but for the kids...
Posted on 1/6/17 at 9:48 am to 6R12
quote:
Abuse ALWAYS affects men/women/marriage. Some have really traumatic affects down the road, others don't go way off the road. However, it affects everyone. I'm sorry to hear this.
In my ex's case, it was very traumatic for her. Hers started at a very young age (endured every type of abuse you could think of...they never had a stable place to live and moved like 40 times in 5 years...her mom's boyfriends had their way with her and her sister. Raped twice as an early adult.
I knew NONE of that. I just attributed some of her stuff to just her quirky self. She has very sociopathic tendencies and has tried suicide twice. And texted about it several times from the mention of divorce to the actual divorce - my lawyer has all that, of course.
This post was edited on 1/6/17 at 9:57 am
Posted on 1/6/17 at 9:51 am to Spaceman Spiff
I've never better happier.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 9:55 am to Spaceman Spiff
quote:
Hers started at a very young age (endured every type of abuse you could think of...they never had a stable place to live and moved like times in 5 years...her mom's boyfriends had their way with her and her sister. Raped twice as an early adult.
Anyone who doesn't believe that there is true evil in this world has their head up their arse. I just hope there's some kind of karma that comes back on those motherfrickers for the things they did to your ex.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 9:59 am to Spaceman Spiff
Crashed on Harley already?
It'll be OK, man, go tame some strange.
It'll be OK, man, go tame some strange.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 10:00 am to Spaceman Spiff
I would have gotten out a whole lot sooner than I did. I put up with too much shite for far too long & just stuck it out. When all was said and done, the divorce ended up being my fault. I'm paying for it now.
I am much happier now and if I would have gotten out sooner I could have been happier 5 or so years sooner. I saw the writing on the wall early in the marriage but stuck it out because divorce with kids involved was/is taboo.
I am much happier now and if I would have gotten out sooner I could have been happier 5 or so years sooner. I saw the writing on the wall early in the marriage but stuck it out because divorce with kids involved was/is taboo.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 10:01 am to TygerTyger
quote:
I just hope there's some kind of karma that comes back on those motherfrickers for the things they did to your ex.
Me too, man, me too.
Our counselor (whom I also saw independently) said that the ex has such a defense mechanism built up from it that its like she is still in her child-like protections..flight/agreeing with everyone/etc. I saw her breakdown several times during the divorce process and it was one of the worst thing I have ever witnessed in an adult.
The sad thing is that I never knew. Never. At the same time, she never showed remorse for her affair or what she did to two families.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 10:02 am to ZappBrannigan
quote:
Crashed on Harley already?
No, man. Harley is still in the picture and still talking with her.
This whole thread is resulting how my kids are being affected. And really just a question. There's no chance that we will reconcile. I just wanted to know if people would have done things differently as I would have.
This post was edited on 1/6/17 at 10:06 am
Posted on 1/6/17 at 10:15 am to Spaceman Spiff
Looking back and thinking what if will kill you man. I did for so long. It made me so miserable. It made me date girls that treated me like shite, cause that's what I was used to and didn't think I deserved to be happy. Eventually, I had to just say, this is my life now and make the best of it. Yeah, it hurts seeing your kids upset. But it makes them hurt worse when they see their dad depressed all the time too. I love my ex, always will. I forgave her for the things she did to me and our boys. Do I wish things hadn't turned out the way they did? Sure I do. I even tried to get her to come home after our divorce, but she spit in my face all over again. That made me realize I made the right choice. Don't look back bro.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 10:16 am to Spaceman Spiff
I fricked up. Regrets every day. Still difficult after 9 years. Baby steps moving on. May be blessed with current gf to pull the black spot out of my heart.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 10:38 am to Spaceman Spiff
No but I do get nostalgic for being altogether with the kids and all. I would never get back together with her though, and the kids are grown now.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 10:39 am to Spaceman Spiff
In Nominee Parris, etc Filii, etc Spiritus Sancti.
Be free of all doubts, your kids are better off being away from her. It seems cruel but the mentally ill and malevolent have a way of reproducing if allowed.
Go forth and be happy once more.
AAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaahhhhmen.
Be free of all doubts, your kids are better off being away from her. It seems cruel but the mentally ill and malevolent have a way of reproducing if allowed.
Go forth and be happy once more.
AAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaahhhhmen.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 10:41 am to Spaceman Spiff
quote:
Do you ever wish you go back and change things?
Yeah, I wish I had divorced her earlier and found my second wife earlier.
Only reason I would do it over again is because of the kids ... I mean I love the kids, all girls from my first wife, but they're only cool because of me and they tell everyone that.
First wife was/is a spoiled rotten selfish rich girl that always pitched a fit if she didn't get her way. When she hit menopause she was unbearable. Thank gosh that's 20 years behind me now.
My current wife, she's my second and my last, we've been married almost 20 years and she is the best thing that ever happened to me - the love of my life. Gave me a Son. I worship the ground she walks on.
To answer the question though, would I do anything different? No, I did everything I could the first time around, everything I was capable of doing given that age and stage in life.
My ex lives all alone, goes to bed at 7PM every night, gets up at 4AM, doesn't drink, doesn't party, is socially awkward since she lost her good looks to age ... God Bless her though. There are a lot of good things about her.
Posted on 1/6/17 at 10:50 am to Spaceman Spiff
quote:
In my ex's case, it was very traumatic for her. Hers started at a very young age (endured every type of abuse you could think of...they never had a stable place to live and moved like 40 times in 5 years...her mom's boyfriends had their way with her and her sister. Raped twice as an early adult.
I knew NONE of that. I just attributed some of her stuff to just her quirky self. She has very sociopathic tendencies and has tried suicide twice. And texted about it several times from the mention of divorce to the actual divorce - my lawyer has all that, of course.
So, having just gone through something somewhat similar, I will tell you that its useful to look at yourself in this context.
Most of the time, abuse survivors form bonds with either somewhat who fits the profile of an abuser or who someone was a victim.
**I am not calling you an abuser** More likely you were also a victim. Were either of your parents (or grandparents) absolute fricking jerks?
sorry about the divorce.
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