"Church of Pit" by Dustin Hymen

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"Church of Pit" by Bustin Hymen

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FIFY

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Dustin Hymen

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married Sandy Schlitz.

Actually very interesting and well written just several paragraphs in. His writing style is easy on the reader, kinda flows well.

Didn't care for it.

Is this award for amateurs? Because this is very poorly written, imo. It's very clunky, the sentences do not flow well. It reads less like a narrative, and more like a simple description of what happened.

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Tucker wakes early and calls for an old hound named Cayenne. She doesn’t appear, so he walks to the back porch and looks over his forty acres of sugarcane.

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That's the first 2 sentences. It doesn't flow well at all.

It would better if it said some thing like the following(punctuation will be off, and I'm not a writer):

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"Cayenne" Tucker called into the morning quiet, as he tried to clear his head. When these early mornings had become an unwelcome normal in his life, he had come to count on petting his old hound as a part of his morning routine. "Cayenne!", he let her name fly out once more, loud enough he could hear it echoing through the stillness well after his bellow had ended. Still seeing no sign of her, stepped out onto his back porch, hoping he could somehow spot her amongst his 40 acres of sugarcane.

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Now, again, I am no writer, but I do read.....a lot. My wife and I have around 2500 books in our library. I can recognize a poorly written narrative.

Obviously, it's supposed to be a short story, and my version was a bit too wordy for that. But its impossible to really dig into the story with the way he has it written at the beginning. Hopefully it gets better from here.

Edit: I condensed 1 sentence in my rewrite, a bit.