Acoustic Guitar Fake Aged Finishes - A Rant

This is a rant, turn around now or be warned.

I absolutely hate the trend of fake aging on the finishes of high end acoustic guitars. When you spend several thousand dollars on a fine newly made guitar, it should have a fresh high quality brand new tone wood top on it. For example, a new Martin Authentic Series D-28 1937 ($6,899 list price) at the premium end of their line looks like this with brand new spruce:

It is fresh, bright, and youthful. It has its whole life ahead of it and the lives of several players.

As the decades go by, that wood will dry out and the resin will slowly crystallize, making the top a deep golden hue with a very brittle cellular structure. It will also sound incredible because every bit of input gets translated through that dry brittle wood top. It will also inevitably accumulate some dings and scratches, which can add character if it is not too extreme. It speaks to the long life of the instrument and the pickers who played it. This is an incredibly expensive and well-cared for Martin constructed in 1941:

Look at that golden treasure. It exudes class, grace, and timeless beauty. You can just look at it and know that it has the sound. It's had 80 years of break-in and now has more to teach you than you have to teach it. These guitars are family heirlooms that truly hit their full potential with the second and third generation of owners.

This brings me to the scourge of fake "aging." I'm not talking about torrefied tops that are dried out in kilns to simulate old dry wood. I love torrefied tops and they sound amazing. They also do not generally have any changes to the surface appearance of the wood; they are visually identical to normal untorrefied tops.

No, I am talking about using dyes and coatings and rubs and sandpaper and fake grit to frick up an otherwise high quality instrument. Here is that same Martin Authentic Series D-28 1937, but with their special "aged finish."

Look at this abortion. What the frick is that?!? It looks like Caitlyn Jenner with a quarter inch of caked on makeup trying to appear feminine. The color is all wrong. The price? $7,999 list. More than a thousand dollars beyond the standard finish. I admit that this is the worst picture I could find, but 1) it's Martin's stock photo on the website and 2) even the actual photos from third parties online show that the top color is some sort of sickly yellow green:

I note that there are aged finishes that look good off the assembly line. But how will they look in 30 years? Will they continue to age normally? We don't know. Guess the owners will find out.

Here is a "distressed" D-18 ($6,799 list), complete with fake sweat and oil smudges so you don't have to do it yourself:

For what? So you can have a guitar with fake character? So you can ruin a piece of fine craftsmanship and disinherit it from its birthright of 80 years of graceful aging and genuine accumulation of scars, memories, and character? This shite is ridiculous to me and I cannot understand why someone would spend the money to take a gorgeous heirloom instrument and coat it in goddamn spray on tan and henna tattoos.

I am sure someone will come in here and say, "well look at this one, they aren't all hideous!" I know. But even the ones that look good are still faking something for appearances only. Nothing about your sound changes because Jimmy at the Martin factory rubbed some spit into the bridge area and scuffed up the pick guard a bit. It's just fake and gay. One day your great grandchild will pick up this guitar wondering if this smudge or that scratch was from great granddad in 2021 or if it's some fake applique from the factory. "Gee," he ponders. "I wonder what it would have looked like without all this fake bullshite on it."

You can't change my mind. It's a rant. I know there are counter points. I don't care. GTF off my lawn.

/rant