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MeridianDog
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An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)
The 4th of July seems to have become our National Day of BBQ. With that in mind, I have donated my posting privileges today to the esteemed Socio-Anthropologist Dr. Zerobear Polybear, who published a paper in the Fall-2019 issue of the "Journal of Irreproducible Facts" detailing the historical origins of BBQ.

Here is Dr. Zerobear's article for your enjoyment.


An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ

By:

ZeroBear PolyBear, BS, MS, PhD, SOB, LLP, MD, Etc.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/kRPVjAH.jpg


***

Chapter 1:


Any treatise on ancient culinary arts would be incomplete without a journey down the smoky pathway to the time when that most sacred of manly cooking methods was conceived.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/HUU6R0T.jpg



No, Bumbulla, we’re not talking about the first instance of Crock Pot Cooking.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/NGMh3t6.jpg



Our reference is to the day when BBQ came into existence.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/XA1kBBU.jpg



Let’s drift back to days before Smokey Joe’s Kansas City Rib Rub.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/X61o98z.jpg



We’re going back to times before the first Texas chuck wagon chef left a brisket too close to the bean fire.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/rk7JHYF.jpg



even before King Nebuchadnezzar got his Campfire Badge in the cub scouts.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/5LBHIDq.jpg



Let’s go back to those misty prehistory days of flying reptiles,

Image: https://i.imgur.com/XoJp91I.jpg



Geckos you could saddle and ride like a horse,

Image: https://i.imgur.com/Q5YzNoT.jpg



and guys named Gringe,

Image: https://i.imgur.com/wh1CaaP.jpg



Grog,

Image: https://i.imgur.com/HF2fHz5.jpg



Ugga,

Image: https://i.imgur.com/1Y18B0h.jpg



and Doody.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/j06YPVU.jpg



Let’s turn the clock back to about One Million BC and days that predate Homo erectus,
Image: https://i.imgur.com/3Iz8VIj.jpg


and Homo sapiens neanderthalensis,
Image: https://i.imgur.com/XHK8P21.jpg



to that earliest human upright ancestral form, Homo harriestdudas.
Image: https://i.imgur.com/ayo7bKi.jpg



(To be continued)


This post was edited on 7/3 at 6:36 pm


MeridianDog
Mississippi St. Fan
Home on the range
Member since Nov 2010
10992 posts

re: An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)
An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ

Chapter 2


Our culinary journey back in time takes us to the first night of the full fall moon
Image: https://i.imgur.com/c72ZAsA.jpg


And a happy band of naked men,
Image: https://i.imgur.com/vGe9faX.jpg



dancing in fevered ecstasy
Image: https://i.imgur.com/Plr5Fr7.jpg



around a roaring fire.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/W7gtS1q.jpg



Their bodies are smeared with mud
Image: https://i.imgur.com/ToXWI7v.jpg



accented with magical sacred and mysterious markings
Image: https://i.imgur.com/vkOukxv.jpg


In the yellow of ocher and stark white of clay.
Image: https://i.imgur.com/GzeEEnI.jpg



Sound comes to us as they mimic the noise of the hunt, moving to an inner rhythm of the heart,
Image: https://i.imgur.com/pmNdFuC.jpg


thrusting their spears
Image: https://i.imgur.com/HjutJp3.jpg


toward the fullness of the moon

Image: https://i.imgur.com/DxMxiNS.jpg



In a manner nearly identical to the rituals followed by hunters at deer camps in these times, and shouting out the oldest of ancient magic chants.


“Boom chucka lucka lucka”
“Boom chucka lucka lucka”
“Sally's got her red dress on!”

Image: https://i.imgur.com/lfBR6nZ.jpg



The intensity of the dance continues through the night as they whirl and swirl around the dying embers,
urging the appearance of the first rays of the sun and the beginning of the hunt.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/S2JGcbF.jpg



Finally dawn arrives

Image: https://i.imgur.com/uTJ1Mks.jpg



And, with a sure intensity of purpose

Image: https://i.imgur.com/TrSmOcW.jpg



they strike out to take on the massive woolly mammoth during his fall migration down I-75 from Michigan to Orlando and West Palm Beach.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/rvaZsX9.jpg



From the moment they leave the safety of the clearing and hunter’s fire, they will be in his element.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/Zr7KTNi.jpg



They know this and salute him with one last Brewski before taking to the woods.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/jCYzwxq.jpg



Our historical recounting now shifts to the mighty hunter, Ugga

Image: https://i.imgur.com/jtx4vc9.jpg



as he sits atop his Cabelas Tree Climber® Wooly Mammoth tree stand.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/xdqpwMT.jpg



He has been quietly scanning the forest primeval for hours now, anxiously watching for the signs of an approaching mammoth, but, sadly, seeing nothing.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/Ednjpoo.jpg



The six cans of Red Bird Sausages

Image: https://i.imgur.com/fAmldEk.jpg



and the three potted meat sandwiches on Bunny Bread

Image: https://i.imgur.com/vRCY6aC.jpg



he consumed with the gusto of a hound dog at the campfire last night

Image: https://i.imgur.com/3sCbdKq.jpg



are doing a job on his gut and he finally decides that he can wait no longer.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/1Y18B0h.jpg



He must shinny down to the ground and go see a man about a dog. He has barely begun to relieve himself behind a convenient bush when he looks up and sees

Image: https://i.imgur.com/xfB9iCk.jpg



the biggest beast he has ever encountered is charging directly toward the bush and him, enraged by the stench of his digestive void.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/joqzLNP.jpg



Ugga is a mighty warrior; a hunter without equal

Image: https://i.imgur.com/VgvZNyb.jpg



And he immediately responds to the charge, running away from the beast for all he is worth, screaming like a little girl.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/MhDSeNH.jpg



This tactic does not deter the beast at all and the animal continues to close fast on Ugga. Death by stomping is within only a few feet when Ugga trips over an exposed root and falls to the ground. His spear flies free from his hairy hand and at the end of a perfect two revolution flight, impales itself squarely between the mammoth’s two beady eyes.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/Ck6HbEz.jpg



The beast takes one more step and then falls at Ugga’s feet, dead, dead, dead. Ugga can’t believe his skill has triumphed yet again.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/jtx4vc9.jpg



Within minutes, he has removed his switch blade flint knife and fashioned a drag sled from a few hickory
and apple wood limbs the beast had plowed to the ground in its charge. He covers the beast with a layer of aromatic leaves and savory herbs to chase away the flies and within an hour he is happily making his way back to camp, pulling the beast along behind him as he sings the sacred song.

“We are the champions my friends.
And we’ll keep on fighting till the end.
We are the champions.
We are the champions.
Da, Da dada da...
Da Da dada da…
Champions, Champions
Da DA dada da”


Image: https://i.imgur.com/tLgkNAl.jpg



Ugga has come within shouting distance of his camp when a sudden thunderstorm passes overhead.
He ducks under an outcropping of rock as the lightning flashes again and again.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/HQvBOir.jpg



Then, in a flash, disaster strikes.

“NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Image: https://i.imgur.com/jtx4vc9.jpg



A lightning bolt has struck the sled and the flames are rising fast. There is no way he can extinguish the fire and so he watches helplessly as the sled is reduced to a bed of coals beneath the fruits of his labor, smoking in the wet leaves and herbs. He is sadly standing beside the remains when a strange odor drifts into his hairy nostrils.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/k9MBz78.jpg



What’s that wonderful smell? Hickory and apple smoke? Fragrant herbs and spices?

Image: https://i.imgur.com/AJKltsa.jpg



He pulls a morsel away from the tender flank of the Mammoth and chews thoughtfully. What has he discovered? What has reduced this carcass to a flavor suitable for the gods?

Image: https://i.imgur.com/CVnpFVT.jpg



After careful consideration, he decides you could make a fortune selling this stuff at the spring t-ball tournament.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/0J4Ex3Q.jpg



At this point, his wife and the love of his life, Sheila,

Image: https://i.imgur.com/CnMi1O3.jpg



comes running up the pathway to Ugga.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/W30M90F.jpg



She has been pulled toward him and the now fully cooked beast by the fragrant deliciousness of perfectly smoked mammoth wafting toward her on the afternoon air.

Image: https://i.imgur.com/JRmVApd.jpg



She takes one look at her husband and with irritation in her voice, tells him,

“You’ve been gone a week. Is this all you got? Alicia’s husband Grog, brought home two of these and a mess of hippo ribs yesterday.”

Image: https://i.imgur.com/ONZoSZ9.jpg


AAaaaaarrRRRRrrrGGGH!

Image: https://i.imgur.com/jtx4vc9.jpg



*** finis ***

This post was edited on 7/3 at 7:53 pm


Btrtigerfan
LSU Fan
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re: An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)
Thank you for your service.


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20
little billy
LSU Fan
Orange County, CA
Member since May 2015
6364 posts

re: An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)
Can someone please post an applauding gif


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Matisyeezy
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Member since Feb 2012
16364 posts

re: An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)
I think I'd rather read a TulaneLSU troll thread


MeridianDog
Mississippi St. Fan
Home on the range
Member since Nov 2010
10992 posts

re: An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)
Rather Read Tulane Troll.

Not to worry. I only have this one in me.

Sorry to mess up your fourth of July Holiday. Drop by and I'll make you a brisket sandwich if that will help ease your suffering.

Have no chips, but I do have some nice BBQ Pork Skins
This post was edited on 7/4 at 12:05 am


TH03
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re: An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)


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weaveballs1
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re: An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)


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60
unclejhim
LSU Fan
Folsom, La.
Member since Nov 2011
2410 posts

re: An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)
Thanks. That was a great way to start the day.
Happy 4th. of July y'all!!


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Twenty 49
LSU Fan
Shreveport
Member since Jun 2014
13110 posts

re: An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)
One guy dragged a field dressed mammoth (live weight about 6 tons) to camp on a sled? He must hit it hard on leg day.


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CAD703X
Toledo Fan
Liberty Island
Member since Jul 2008
65511 posts

re: An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)
quote:

I think I'd rather read a TulaneLSU troll thread


well your opinion sucks so...

well done OP


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32
Stadium Rat
LSU Fan
Metairie
Member since Jul 2004
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re: An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)
This board needs more MeridianDogs and fewer TulaneLSUs.


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Tiger Ryno
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re: An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)
Well done MD!


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Matisyeezy
Duke Fan
End of the bar, Drunk
Member since Feb 2012
16364 posts

re: An Illustrated History of the Origin of BBQ (May be NSFW)
I may have spoken too soon, the cookie cake thread was painful.

I want to apologize to the board for using his name and summoning him from his cave. My bad.


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