A Review of the Original Star Wars Trilogy by a Modern SW Fan

So I just got back from the Original Trilogy and hoo boy, what a big piece of shite. I can't express how disappointed I am in these films that are full of plot holes.

First of all, there is just a ridiculous amount of cringy humor all over these movies, and they undercut serious moments. I mean, Han Solo saying "boring conversation anyways" when he shoots the intercom? They're in mortal danger, they have the entire base after them! And huge moments like the first time they finally rescue the princess they've been trying to rescue the whole movie and the first words out of her mouth is "aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?" Not to mention in every single scene where they're supposed to be in danger, C-3PO is piping up with jokes as the stupid "comic relief."

Then Luke is supposed to be finding this great Jedi master, right, and it turns out it's a fricking puppet in a swamp who sounds like a goddamn Muppet and who just makes jokes all the time! He seems more interested in his food then teaching him the ways of the Force! These are supposed to be serious scenes in a serious film and instead they just want to joke, joke, joke. Ugh, just cringe everywhere.

Secondly, do they plan on explaining anything? I mean, OK, we've got the Rebels and the Empire. The Rebels are good because they say they're good and the Empire is bad because they say they're bad. That's great. How about explaining how the Empire came to be? Why the Rebels started fighting? None of this is ever explained over literally three movies. And the main villain, the guy who is obviously a big fricking deal, they never even tell you where he came from? He's just Emperor Palpatine and he's the Emperor because he's the Emperor. Uh, how about explaining how he became Emperor and how he became so powerful in the dark side of the Force? I mean, hello? He's the main bad guy! Seriously, they kill him and never explain who he is or where he came from. I guess now we'll never know.

I mean seriously, it feels like these could use three more films explaining all the shite that they didn't explain in these. I'd watch those, there's no way they could be bad.

Third, these films have no respect for canon. OK, so at the beginning of Empire Strikes Back, Luke is hanging upside down in a wampa cave. And he just reaches out and conveniently the lightsaber just flies into his hand? WTF? It hadn't been established that the Force can do this! Even Obi-Wan didn't do that, and Luke, who hasn't had a lick of actual training, is able to do it first try? Give me a fricking break with this bullshite.

Oh, speaking of Obi-Wan, they build him up in the entire first movie to be this badass, hell he even trained Luke's father supposedly. You know that he's one of the greatest Jedi (whatever a Jedi is, they don't even really explain that, LOL), and you're all ready for him to frick some shite up. And he - get this - he turns his fricking lightsaber off rather than just frick this dude up. He lets himself die. They seriously make Obi-Wan into a bitch, dude. I wanted to see him be a badass.

They just throw in twists for the sake of twists. It's like, Vader is Luke's dad, even though Obi-Wan explicitly said Vader killed his dad. Also Leia is Luke's sister? So like, Darth Vader was arresting his own daugher in ANH? They don't even have the same last name! I thought when Yoda said there was another it was gonna be Han Solo, they just shite all over the fan theories.

Then, get this, they destroy the Death Star, you know, the big goddamn base, at the end of the first one, and in the second one the Empire is just conveniently back with no explanation whatsoever? Again, how the hell did they get so powerful? You destroyed their main base and they just show up again like nothing happened!

And that doesn't even get into the ridiculous plot holes throughout the movies. The Empire apparently actually leaked the plans to the second Death Star to the Rebels on purpose so that the Rebels would show up and be slaughtered. But the Rebels end up destroying the Death Star anyways. So why would you give them the actual plans? Why not give them fake plans so even if they survived the trap somehow, they couldn't blow up the Death Star. Also, if the key to the Death Star is the shields, why would you leave like just a couple guys at the base down on Endor? That's the key to the whole thing!

Jabba, just push them off the skiff into the sarlaac! Better yet, just tie them up and shoot them and then there's no chance for them to escape! Tarkin, stop delaying and just fire the Death Star! It took Alderaan out in like two seconds, why does it take a damn year to power up now? It's just awful, everyone acts illogically the whole time.

Christ. You know, I just want to go to the movies to have fun. It's never happened once in my life, but I am sure someone out there will be able to do it. But it's not these movies, that's for damn sure. Avoid these big steaming turds at all costs.

Sincerely,

Modern Star Wars Fan





















PS, yes I stole this from Reddit