Old Humor, Really Old.

A man hanging is better than a vagabond. He has a visible means of support.

I like that one.

My grandad told much better ones.

quote:

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A man hanging is better than a vagabond. He has a visible means of support.

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I feel like in 1866 in Mississippi that one might have been a little bit racist.

Is that just excerpts from The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce?



LINK to The Devil's Dictionary

FEMALE

-n.

One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

The Maker, at Creation's birth,
With living things had stocked the earth.
From elephants to bats and snails,
They all were good, for all were males.
But when the Devil came and saw
He said: "By Thine eternal law
Of growth, maturity, decay,
These all must quickly pass away
And leave untenanted the earth
Unless Thou dost establish birth" —
Then tucked his head beneath his wing
To laugh — he had no sleeve — the thing
With deviltry did so accord,
That he'd suggested to the Lord.
The Master pondered this advice,
Then shook and threw the fateful dice
Wherewith all matters here below
Are ordered, and observed the throw;
Then bent His head in awful state,
Confirming the decree of Fate.
From every part of earth anew
The conscious dust consenting flew,
While rivers from their courses rolled
To make it plastic for the mould.
Enough collected (but no more,
For níggard Nature hoards her store)
He kneaded it to flexible clay,
While Nick unseen threw some away.
And then the various forms He cast,
Gross organs first and finer last;
No one at once evolved, but all
By even touches grew and small
Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade,
To match all living things He'd made
Females, complete in all their parts
Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.
"No matter," Satan cried; "with speed
I'll fetch the very hearts they need" —
So flew away and soon brought back
The number needed, in a sack.
That night earth ranged with sounds of strife —
Ten million males each had a wife;
That night sweet Peace her pinions spread
O'er Hell — ten million devils dead!
-G.J.

quote:

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The Devil's Dictionary-Ambrose Bierce

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Diplomat - n. One who lies in state.

The Definitive shite List

THE GHOST shite
The kind where you feel shite come out, see shite on the toilet paper, but there's no shite in the bowl.

THE CLEAN shite
The kind where you feel shite come out, see shite in the bowl, but there's no shite on the toilet paper.

THE WET shite
You wipe your arse fifty times and it still feels un-wiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your arse and your underwear so you don't ruin them with skidmarks.

THE SECOND WAVE shite
This shite happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shite some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE shite
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead shite." You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN shite
No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG shite
The kind of shite that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER shite
The kind of shite you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD shite" shite
The kind where you want to shite, but even after straining your guts out, all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS shite
Also known as the "Power Dump." The kind that comes out of your arse so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID shite
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD shite
A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
A shite is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
Occurring after a lengthy period of constipation, this shite allows you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This shite occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS shite
A shite so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK shite
This shite has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" shite
Any shite created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
A shite so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shite has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A shite that refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM shite
Appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO shite
Now you see it, now you don't. This shite is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
A shite that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either Inappropriate to shite (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shite which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position... Usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC shite
Occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's shite.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE shite
This shite may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN shite
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can't shite.

PREMEDITATED shite
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHRENIA
Fear of shitting. Can be fatal! [Editor's note: shouldn't it be "Shitzophobia"?]

ENERGIZER vs. DURACELL shite
Also known as a "Still Going" shite.

THE POWER DUMP shite
The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER shite
This shite is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log shite.)

THE SPINAL TAP shite
The kind of shite that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY a-hole" shite
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE shite
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" shite
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" shite
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" shite
Also sometimes known as The Toxic Dump. Of course, you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" shite
You sit there patiently, waiting for the last cling-on to fall because if you wipe now, it's just going to smear all over the place.

No one will even get this


ETA: see, this list was one that was funny when it was probably started as the "9-10 types of shits."

He'll think I saw it a decade ago in my cousin's bathroom printed out and laminated and stuck to the wall. I chuckled.

The problem is, people (and unfunny people at that) have added to it, extrapolated, redunantinated, and pseudo-repeated a third of the entries just to get their shite in. And then, it's been recompilated on Reddit to get this gargantuan 40 shite long list that squeezed all the humor out 6 in.

So we're left with shite that goes on far too long and is unsatisfying once you get to the end.

40 is a number, not for lists, but for coaches to tell pundits he is and that he's a man.