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re: How do people cope with separation or divorce?
Posted on 5/6/23 at 2:22 pm to Hou_Lawyer
Posted on 5/6/23 at 2:22 pm to Hou_Lawyer
quote:
Golf. Drink. Gamble. Repeat.
Please do not lean into an addictive activity during a depressive event... This is the worst advice I've seen in a while
Posted on 5/6/23 at 2:25 pm to 9Fiddy
quote:
How do people keep their minds from going to crazy dark places and handle their shite?
Fact is, you can’t. The human mind is the most amazing and most dangerous thing on the planet at the same time.
Bingo. I’m almost four years out, and it’s still something I struggle with daily. Coping mechanisms are a very individual thing.
Have a listen: The National - Your Mind Is Not Your Friend
Posted on 5/6/23 at 3:07 pm to ArmyHogs
I wrote it before but I wanted to say it again.
Take care of the kids for 2 weeks. By yourself and let her rest.
It will be a huge reset.
If you make excuses why you can't then you aren't really interested in saving your marriage.
Take care of the kids for 2 weeks. By yourself and let her rest.
It will be a huge reset.
If you make excuses why you can't then you aren't really interested in saving your marriage.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 3:14 pm to ArmyHogs
quote:
That’s the problem right now, she is completely unwilling. She is definitely holding on to how it was and truly believes nothing will change. At this point I’m going to just hope and pray she comes around but I don’t have any real faith that she will. It’s so hard to give her space cause I miss talking to her. I sound like such a pussy I hate it
If she is unwilling today, I would caution you to keep pressuring her (because that is how she will perceive it). Don't bring it up. Any conversation that you have with her should be about the kids. If she wants to talk about the two of you, listen. Don't think you have to "fix" it, because you won't. Not in one conversation or doing. Allow her, if she eventually does, to discuss things with you on her own terms. But until then, let it be.
All you can do right now is shift your focus back to you. Be the best you can be and be the parent and father you can be. That's it. Nothing else.
She may never want to speak about it. She may never want to go to counseling. And while that will absolutely suck, it's her right and decision to do so. Mine didn't, at least not after we separated. She said she would initially go and then changed her mind. We ended up divorcing without speaking to a couples counselor and without having a face-to-face discussion (just the two of us) or even a serious phone conversation. I always thought we would work on ourselves first and then eventually come back around to work on ourselves together.
She ended up having different plans. I don't know if this was her intention the entire time while separated or if this is her way of paying me back. Either way, it doesn't matter. I've had to let that part go, and her go. Because even though I don't agree with her decision, I try my best to respect her decision. It's not what I would have done, but she's not me, and I'm not her.
Again, I think it is incredibly selfish of a person to walk out, and not attempt repair, especially if there isn't any form of abuse or adultery. But that's my belief, and not everyone shares my belief.
"Life don't go quite like you planned it. We try so hard to understand it. The irrefutable, indisputable fact is ... it happens."
This post was edited on 5/6/23 at 3:19 pm
Posted on 5/6/23 at 3:45 pm to ArmyHogs
If you can afford it, a therapist is a nice outlet for someone objective to talk to, help you sort your head out and reframe things. And I know this will sound crazy, but I found a super easy Yoga class (Restorative Yoga).. mostly stretching and in the evenings. It relaxes me and also keeps me from drinking too much, which is what I would do sitting around the house. If you don't think Yoga is your jam, find a nice hiking trail and a serial podcast to listen too. Even if its just Joe Rogan. (I really like Jordan Peterson, actually)
Posted on 5/6/23 at 3:58 pm to ArmyHogs
quote:
but I hate it cause I just want to hate her but I can’t
It sounds like you still love her. If this is the case, you have to put words into action. Here's my advice. Seek out a couple's counselor now. Go on your own if she isn't willing. Just changing you will change the dynamic of your relationship. Perhaps she will see your intent and follow suit. Bring as much humility to the sessions as possible. Let down your defenses. Sometimes it is hard to see how other people perceive our actions and our attitudes and can be hard to hear at first. You can either get better together as a couple or you can get better as an individual starting over. There is not a downside. One note of caution: avoid a counselor that takes sides. Even if its your side. If one partner feels like they are getting dumped on all the time, they will stop going. Be prepared to give your spouse some 'wins' even if you don't agree.
It isn't easy, but I've just been through a huge reset this past year with my husband. I didn't even realize how much resentment I was carrying around for past grievances. I was collecting resentments like they were toy cars. He just seemed angry at me all the time. Once I better understood how he was perceiving me I better understood his attitude. We did have work through those past grievances. And we both had to sit and listen to things that were hard to hear. But just the fact that we are listening to each other without being defensive, has completely turned the world around for us. Counseling Is not some hippy dippy bullshite. With the right counselor that you both trust, it can save a family.
This post was edited on 5/6/23 at 4:04 pm
Posted on 5/6/23 at 4:03 pm to TigerBaitOohHaHa
quote:
It sounds like you still love her. If this is the case, you have to put words into action.
Just my experience, but if she’s done, she’s done. Not only do I speak for myself, but also for multiple other men that I know personally who have had similar experiences over the last five years.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 4:06 pm to High C
Sad. I hope it isn't the case here. Its still worth a shot tho, no?
Posted on 5/6/23 at 4:20 pm to ArmyHogs
quote:
How do people cope with separation or divorce?
Okay, I'm going to be serious here. I haven't read any other responses. Separation/Divorce can be very, very, VERY, rough. Depression, insomnia, heartbreak... went through it all. Get therapy/help if you need it. Stay involved with friends, or get friends, join Meetup, etc. Do *NOT* stay in your home every day by yourself isolated feeling down. Exercise - it's not a cliche for this, do cardio every day no matter how you feel. Meditation. Better diet.
Edit: Most importantly, do not isolate.
TLDR: I went through it a couple times, and had to change my lifestyle.
This post was edited on 5/6/23 at 4:22 pm
Posted on 5/6/23 at 4:30 pm to TigerBaitOohHaHa
quote:
Sad. I hope it isn't the case here. Its still worth a shot tho, no?
If he loves her, sure it is. I would very much like to see more relationships saved. I was just relating my own experiences. Too easy to just run away from relationships that have very minor issues these days, imo.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 4:42 pm to ArmyHogs
I saw my brother go thru it. They tried to stay together until their kids graduated HS, but didn't make it.
My advice would be to do things to better yourself. Anything to improve yourself physically or mentally, or just learn something new.
If you are healthy enough to do it, work out, jog, run, ride a bike. If you aren't healthy enough to do those things just start walking and work up to riding a bike, etc. Listen to sports talk, politics, The Bible, whatever you are into while doing these things.
If you aren't able to do that, take an on-line class of some type.
If you aren't afraid of what your friends might think of you, start going to a weekly Bible study group. Most churches have websites now. Checkout times for them.
My advice would be to do things to better yourself. Anything to improve yourself physically or mentally, or just learn something new.
If you are healthy enough to do it, work out, jog, run, ride a bike. If you aren't healthy enough to do those things just start walking and work up to riding a bike, etc. Listen to sports talk, politics, The Bible, whatever you are into while doing these things.
If you aren't able to do that, take an on-line class of some type.
If you aren't afraid of what your friends might think of you, start going to a weekly Bible study group. Most churches have websites now. Checkout times for them.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 4:45 pm to ArmyHogs
Move to a camp on the water and build the life you have always wanted.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 5:03 pm to ArmyHogs
In the first 2 months I went from 168 lbs to 118. I was so distraught, and she cheated on me. It was hard, but I started to focus on God and it got better.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 5:10 pm to ArmyHogs
Divorced 7 years ago. Have two kids. It was hard, very hard. As others have said, get a hobby, get out, do something - anything to take your mind off it. But in all honesty, it’s time that can only make it better. If you have kids, be the best dad you can.
Take this time to make yourself a better person. That’s all you can do. You have to remember that she is on her path, and there isn’t room on it for you. So forge your own.
And the old adage of getting under someone to get over someone most certainly is true
Take this time to make yourself a better person. That’s all you can do. You have to remember that she is on her path, and there isn’t room on it for you. So forge your own.
And the old adage of getting under someone to get over someone most certainly is true
Posted on 5/6/23 at 5:35 pm to Spaceman Spiff
Time it takes time. 10 years ago this August. But I’m living my best like now
Posted on 5/6/23 at 5:51 pm to Lithium
I truly do appreciate everyone’s advice and personal stories. Isolating myself definitely isn’t making things easier lol.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 5:53 pm to ArmyHogs
quote:
How do people keep their minds from going to crazy dark places and handle their shite?
Some don't. Answering for a friend.
Posted on 5/8/23 at 6:41 am to NorthEnd
quote:
Go to counseling with her.
The biggest joke of them all. By the time divorce is mentioned, she's checked out. Same with mine and all the others I know. They go through the motions to say they tried...to justify to themselves their reasons, so to speak.
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