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Message
My wife and I had an abortion. AMA
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:31 pm
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:31 pm
I wanted to share our story due to everything that is going on recently and hopefully open a few minds to a rarely thought about reason for abortions.
First off, at the time, we had an almost 3 year old and were very excited to expand our family. At the anatomy scan, they were not able to get a good view of the whole heart and only 3 of the chambers were flared up. In the following days, we went to the high risk OB and they got better scans and diagnosed our unborn baby with a hypoplastic right heart syndrome with pulmonary atresia. Basically this means that the right ventricle of her heart never developed and therefore the pulmonary valve was sealed shut. Our baby had a 3 chamber heart.
In the coming days, we got a second opinion, and spoke with several doctor friends. Our outlook was horrible. The severity of the issues gave us about a 10% chance she would survive the first week. 100% chance she would require multiple open heart surgeries in the first year, and 100% chance she would need a heart replacement withing the first 10 years if she survived the first year which they gave us a "not good" answer when asking her chances of surviving the first year.
All things considered, we decided to terminate the pregnancy at 22 weeks. There were many reasons we considered, and ultimately didn't want our 3 year old's first memory to be the death of baby sister.
Due to our state of residence, this was not legal unless the mother's life was in danger so we had to go to Boulder, CO to have it done. And we did. It was a 3 day process. Everyone there was there terminating a wanted pregnancy. one couple had a baby with spinal Bifida iirc.
Yes, I still feel shame about it. Yes, I often think about what could have been, but ultimately I believe we made the best choice for our family.
There are hundreds of stories similar to ours on the message board Endingwantedpregnancies.com. they are all tragic, and they all are very hard to read.
All that to say, not everyone gets abortions as a form of birth control. There are situations where the baby has a deformity that makes them not compatible with life and in those cases, I believe terminating the pregnancy should be safely and easily available. Many issues such as ours aren't even diagnosed until the anatomy scan (20 weeks).
All that said, I expect the coming judgement and downvotes, but feel free to ask me anything and I'll do my best to answer.
First off, at the time, we had an almost 3 year old and were very excited to expand our family. At the anatomy scan, they were not able to get a good view of the whole heart and only 3 of the chambers were flared up. In the following days, we went to the high risk OB and they got better scans and diagnosed our unborn baby with a hypoplastic right heart syndrome with pulmonary atresia. Basically this means that the right ventricle of her heart never developed and therefore the pulmonary valve was sealed shut. Our baby had a 3 chamber heart.
In the coming days, we got a second opinion, and spoke with several doctor friends. Our outlook was horrible. The severity of the issues gave us about a 10% chance she would survive the first week. 100% chance she would require multiple open heart surgeries in the first year, and 100% chance she would need a heart replacement withing the first 10 years if she survived the first year which they gave us a "not good" answer when asking her chances of surviving the first year.
All things considered, we decided to terminate the pregnancy at 22 weeks. There were many reasons we considered, and ultimately didn't want our 3 year old's first memory to be the death of baby sister.
Due to our state of residence, this was not legal unless the mother's life was in danger so we had to go to Boulder, CO to have it done. And we did. It was a 3 day process. Everyone there was there terminating a wanted pregnancy. one couple had a baby with spinal Bifida iirc.
Yes, I still feel shame about it. Yes, I often think about what could have been, but ultimately I believe we made the best choice for our family.
There are hundreds of stories similar to ours on the message board Endingwantedpregnancies.com. they are all tragic, and they all are very hard to read.
All that to say, not everyone gets abortions as a form of birth control. There are situations where the baby has a deformity that makes them not compatible with life and in those cases, I believe terminating the pregnancy should be safely and easily available. Many issues such as ours aren't even diagnosed until the anatomy scan (20 weeks).
All that said, I expect the coming judgement and downvotes, but feel free to ask me anything and I'll do my best to answer.
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:34 pm to BigTimer085
I’m sure it was a tough decision but your experience is not the norm.
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:35 pm to BigTimer085
The only ones that care are the far right religious nut bags on here. Mostly found in the poli board.
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:35 pm to BigTimer085
quote:
Everyone there was there terminating a wanted pregnancy. one couple had a baby with spinal Bifida iirc.
Seems really weird that you asked everyone there why they were getting an abortion.
This post was edited on 6/25/22 at 12:36 pm
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:35 pm to BigTimer085
Situations like your wife’s are ones that I can understand the decision and it’s something that I wish nobody had to go through.
Hate y’all had to make that decision man
Hate y’all had to make that decision man
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:35 pm to LongueCarabine
I agree, but if there is a push to put a national 15 week ban in place, they we would not have had any option.
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:36 pm to BigTimer085
I'll give you an upvote. I am sure that was a terrible decision to have to make.
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:39 pm to rexorotten
quote:
Seems really weird that you asked everyone there why they were getting an abortion.
I have to believe under these circumstances, the waiting room was a group therapy session.
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:41 pm to rexorotten
quote:
Seems really weird that you asked everyone there why they were getting an abortion.
I think you probably lack basic socialization & coping skills
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:42 pm to BigTimer085
I don't really care about your families medical decisions.
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:42 pm to keks tadpole
quote:
I have to believe under these circumstances, the waiting room was a group therapy session.
Pretty much. As the women are pulled back for various parts of the procedure, we just got to talking rather than sobbing quietly.
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:42 pm to BigTimer085
I'm giving you an upvote, because I've never been in your shoes. I think the decision would be a tough one even if you lean pro life.
This post was edited on 6/25/22 at 12:43 pm
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:43 pm to BigTimer085
Not my job to judge you. I can disagree very strongly with your decision but not judge you. Instead, I’ll include your family in my prayers and pray for healing and grace head your way
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:43 pm to BigTimer085
That was hard to share. Must have been a tough time for both of you.
I'm generally pro life but this is a complex issue with many different points of view. I was given up at birth and adopted. Lucky to have had caring parents. Only found out who my birth mother was after doing Ancestry.com and finding existing siblings. She's dead, but stories tell of real guilt down deep through out her whole life. It scarred her for life.
I am thankful she didn't abort me, or I wouldn't be here. But having worked with disadvantaged children in foster homes for many years, I also see the result of unwanted pregnancies and how it impacts these poor children that were essentially thrown away. Scars them for life as well and most don't turn out to be productive citizens. But they have rights like we all do, it's just that society tends to forget them after birth. Caring for those that are the product of unwanted pregnancies after birth should be just as much "pro life" as discussions about abortion.
Anyway, thank you for sharing something that must have been very hard to do.
I'm generally pro life but this is a complex issue with many different points of view. I was given up at birth and adopted. Lucky to have had caring parents. Only found out who my birth mother was after doing Ancestry.com and finding existing siblings. She's dead, but stories tell of real guilt down deep through out her whole life. It scarred her for life.
I am thankful she didn't abort me, or I wouldn't be here. But having worked with disadvantaged children in foster homes for many years, I also see the result of unwanted pregnancies and how it impacts these poor children that were essentially thrown away. Scars them for life as well and most don't turn out to be productive citizens. But they have rights like we all do, it's just that society tends to forget them after birth. Caring for those that are the product of unwanted pregnancies after birth should be just as much "pro life" as discussions about abortion.
Anyway, thank you for sharing something that must have been very hard to do.
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:43 pm to BigTimer085
I'm sorry for your loss.
I cannot say what I'd do in your situation. I don't think you did anything wrong at all. I might have done same, maybe not. Either decision would be rational.
However, as many have stated, this isn't the norm.
Rational legislation should arise out of state legislatures addressing such situations.
It's how government should work.
Allowing the Federal Government to dictate what should be a state issue, isn't the answer.
I cannot say what I'd do in your situation. I don't think you did anything wrong at all. I might have done same, maybe not. Either decision would be rational.
However, as many have stated, this isn't the norm.
Rational legislation should arise out of state legislatures addressing such situations.
It's how government should work.
Allowing the Federal Government to dictate what should be a state issue, isn't the answer.
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:44 pm to Lester Earl
quote:
I think you probably lack basic socialization & coping skills
You're right, Why did you kill your baby?
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:44 pm to BigTimer085
Perhaps the flunkies in the legislature in Baton Rouge are in a better decision to decide for this family, as God intended.
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:46 pm to BigTimer085
You do realize you could have just carried the baby and let nature take its course?
Obviously the odds were stacked against her but the odds of surviving an abortion are far worse I'm sure.
You could argue she didn't suffer but you don't really know that.
A tough decision but it wasn't your only decision.
Obviously the odds were stacked against her but the odds of surviving an abortion are far worse I'm sure.
You could argue she didn't suffer but you don't really know that.
A tough decision but it wasn't your only decision.
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:47 pm to rexorotten
quote:Man I really think some of you might have autism.
Seems really weird that you asked everyone there why they were getting an abortion.
Posted on 6/25/22 at 12:49 pm to BigTimer085
Thanks for sharing. I'm sure that was not an easy decision to make, and I mostly hate that you had to have made the decision to begin with.
I definitely lean toward pro-life. But I do hope stories like yours don't get completely overlooked in the times to come.
I definitely lean toward pro-life. But I do hope stories like yours don't get completely overlooked in the times to come.
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